Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Tom62]

Why is it better to have Alzheimer than Parkinson's disease?
It is better to forget to pay for the beer than to knock it over

[Tom62]

A burglar sneaks through a dark living room, looking for valuables to steal.
Suddenly, he hears a voice saying "Jesus is watching you".   
Being scared, the burglar quickly hides himself behind the curtains.
After 5 minutes of silence, he thinks that the coast is clear; leaves his hiding place and carefully walks in the direction of the kitchen.
Again he hears someone saying "Jesus is watching you".
The burglar turns on his flashlight and shines it around carefully.
Then he notices a parrot in a cage, that says "Jesus is watching you".   
"Wow, that is nice", says the burglar, "a talking parrot. Do you have a name?"
The parrot replies "Yes, Moses".
The burglar starts to laugh and says: "What kind of idiots, call their parrot Moses?"
"Well" says the parrot "the same kind of idiots, who call their Rottweiler Jesus."

[Buddy]

^ Ahahaha! The only thing that comes to my mind is my Rott licking the man to death. 

[OldGit]

Going round on the e-mail circuit:

Only in Britain  -   Complaints to Councils
Extracts from letters written by council tenants:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it

[Asmodean]

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

I see how this could confuse some, but the statement is actually perfectly legitimate.

Some of the walls simply have multiple issues, from half the walls being OK and half being damp, crumbling AND filthy to every single wall having one, two or all of the problems. The walls do not add up to half the neighbour's house, you see.

[Ali]

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

We've been doing it wrong all this time?  Oh that is TYPICAL.   

[OldGit]

I'm just reading Bill Bryson's The Lost Continent.  Somewhere in the Bible Belt he sees a sign: CHRIST IS THE ANSWER.  He decides the question must be, 'what do you shout when you hit your thumb with a hammer?"

[Guardian85]

Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again." Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?" Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."

[OldGit]

^ Brilliant!

[xSilverPhinx]

Not exactly a joke per se but funny nonetheless. The stuff of good jokes 

[Guardian85]

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to me."

"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."

[Guardian85]

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

[Tank]

LOL!!!

[faalsekafaasla]

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.



Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.



One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'



When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. 'God Almighty!' shouted Susie. The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..



A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Saviour?' But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt. 'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie. And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.



The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?' Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'



The nun fainted. ____________________________________________________________

[OldGit]

A chap is sitting in a restaurant wishing that he could kind an opening to start chatting to the beautiful woman, who has just come in, when she gives a huge sneeze and what is obviously her glass eye pops out. He plucks it out of the air and hands it back to her.

"Thank you," she says, "let me reward your fielding skills by paying for your dinner." So they get to chatting and she then suggests that they see if they can get tickets for a show, "My treat as well," which they are lucky enough to do.

After the show she says, "Why not come back to my place for coffee and, if you fancy it, breakfast . . ."

Over breakfast the following day the chap asks, "Are you in the habit of treating all men like this on a first date?"

"Oh, no," she replies, "it's just that you caught my eye at the very beginning."