Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[xSilverPhinx]

A professor handed out the final exam and told students they had one hour to finish. When the hour was up, one student was still working. The professor called time and waited. The student continued to work.
"Time!" the professor called. Again, nothing.
'Well, I can play this game too,' the professor thought, putting her feet on the desk to wait.
Another half hour went by. The student boldly came to the front, which drew a sneer from the professor.
"You failed!" she said triumphantly.
"No I didn't," the student said. "Do you know who I am?"
"Doesn't matter. You failed. Period. The end."
"The hell I did. You don't know who you're talking to here."
"No, I don't, and I don't care. You're done."
"So you don't have a clue who I am?"
"Not a one."
To which the student replied by jamming his exam into the middle of the stack of submissions and then darting from the room.

[Icarus]

^ I wish that I had been than clever when I did not finish my exams in the allotted time.

[Magdalena]

^^^
Good one, xSilverPhinx.

[xSilverPhinx]

A grad student, a post doc, and their professor are walking down the street when one of them spots an antique brass lamp lying on the ground. They all reach for it and pick it up at once, when suddenly a puff of smoke emerges from the lamp and becomes the form of a genie.

The genie says, "I have three wishes to give you. Since there are three of you, you each get one wish. Tell me what you want." The grad student says, " I want to be on a tropical beach right now lying under a palm tree." "Done!" says the genie, and the graduate student disappears. The post doc says, "I want to be on a private yacht with attractive servers bringing me tropical drinks." "Done!" says the Genie, and the post doc disappears.

The Genie turns to the professor. "Well that's all fine," says the professor, "but I want them back in the lab after lunch."

[Dark Lightning]

A grad student, a post doc, and their professor are walking down the street when one of them spots an antique brass lamp lying on the ground. They all reach for it and pick it up at once, when suddenly a puff of smoke emerges from the lamp and becomes the form of a genie.

The genie says, "I have three wishes to give you. Since there are three of you, you each get one wish. Tell me what you want." The grad student says, " I want to be on a tropical beach right now lying under a palm tree." "Done!" says the genie, and the graduate student disappears. The post doc says, "I want to be on a private yacht with attractive servers bringing me tropical drinks." "Done!" says the Genie, and the post doc disappears.

The Genie turns to the professor. "Well that's all fine," says the professor, "but I want them back in the lab after lunch."

From Olympus to Tartarus in one hour.

[xSilverPhinx]

[Biggus Dickus]

You should ban yourself for at least a day for that one.

[xSilverPhinx]

You should ban yourself for at least a day for that one.

   

[xSilverPhinx]

[Biggus Dickus]

[Magdalena]

^^^
That's funny. 

[Icarus]

That ain't funny Mags.  The Pig ass, prevaricating, self absorbed, stable genius, shit eating dog,  does keep showing up at the office.  Let us pray fervently that the November election will ease our collective pain.

All together now............pray for an electoral rejection of our ill chosen, White House resident.

[xSilverPhinx]

It's funny in a laugh so you don't cry sort of way.

[Icarus]

I was having a conversation with a loyal and trusted friend. I confessed to him that I was having an affair.  He replied; "are you having it catered?"

[Randy]

A string walked into a bar. The bartender angrily states, "We don't serve strings here," ties him in a knot and throws him into the street where he was run over several times. Now frayed he walks back into the bar.

"Hey, aren't you that string I threw out of here a few moments ago?" the bartender inquired.
The string replied, "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."

Yeah, I groaned when I heard it too.