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Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

Started by no_god_know_peace, November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

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hismikeness

What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

Why doesn't Jesus like Skittles? They fall through the holes in his hands.

Why doesn't Jesus like Snickers? Because he doesn't FUCKING exist.

Why do women love Jesus? Because he's hung like this... /holds arms out wide.
No churches have free wifi because they don't want to compete with an invisible force that works.

When the alien invasion does indeed happen, if everyone would just go out into the streets & inexpertly play the flute, they'll just go. -@UncleDynamite

joeactor

A blonde walks into a pizza place and orders a medium cheese pizza.
The guy behind the counter asks "Would you like that cut into six or eight pieces?"
The blonde thinks for a minute and says: "You better make it six. I don't think I could eat eight!"

launion

the latest from my  in box


Subject: European economics explained
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>
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>
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> Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town In
> Greece. The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town.
> When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he
> wondered
> how he could afford such a house.
> The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there?
> The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a
> single
> lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".
>
>
> The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply
> amazed
> at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous.
> When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that
> bridge over there?"
> The Spaniard replied; "No."
>

keithpenrod

Quote from: Asmodean on December 06, 2011, 01:43:12 PM
I got married in Skyrim. Now I fear that should I get divorsed, she will take half the loot.  >:(
You must be farther along than me.  I didn't even know you could get married.

keithpenrod

Two calculus teachers were having lunch together.  One of them was talking about how stupid young people is becoming.  The other argued that things really weren't all that bad.  So, to settle the argument they decided to ask the waitress a calculus question the next time she came around.  The first teacher went to the restroom and in the meantime, the second signalled the waitress over and told her "In a minute, I'm going to ask you a question.  Regardless of what the question is, I just want you to say 'x squared', ok?" To which she agreed.

The first teacher returned from the restroom and then they asked the waitress "What's the integral of 2x?"  To which she replied "x squared."  Then she leaned in to the teacher who had given her the answer and whispered "+C".

not your typical...

Quote from: keithpenrod on December 07, 2011, 05:50:19 AM
Two calculus teachers were having lunch together.  One of them was talking about how stupid young people is becoming.  The other argued that things really weren't all that bad.  So, to settle the argument they decided to ask the waitress a calculus question the next time she came around.  The first teacher went to the restroom and in the meantime, the second signalled the waitress over and told her "In a minute, I'm going to ask you a question.  Regardless of what the question is, I just want you to say 'x squared', ok?" To which she agreed.

The first teacher returned from the restroom and then they asked the waitress "What's the integral of 2x?"  To which she replied "x squared."  Then she leaned in to the teacher who had given her the answer and whispered "+C".
....Ok, so maybe the youth are getting quite a bit dumber since I have NO idea how that joke was meant to be taken.....
"Accepting the truth and keeping faith is a strong thing to do. Mixing the two however, is the dumbest thing you've ever attempted." - Radical Ostriches Bringing Eternal Requiem Tonight
Advocate for the abnormal.

keithpenrod

Quote from: not your typical... on December 07, 2011, 05:55:13 AM
Quote from: keithpenrod on December 07, 2011, 05:50:19 AM
Two calculus teachers were having lunch together.  One of them was talking about how stupid young people are becoming.  The other argued that things really weren't all that bad.  So, to settle the argument they decided to ask the waitress a calculus question the next time she came around.  The first teacher went to the restroom and in the meantime, the second signalled the waitress over and told her "In a minute, I'm going to ask you a question.  Regardless of what the question is, I just want you to say 'x squared', ok?" To which she agreed.

The first teacher returned from the restroom and then they asked the waitress "What's the integral of 2x?"  To which she replied "x squared."  Then she leaned in to the teacher who had given her the answer and whispered "+C".
....Ok, so maybe the youth are getting quite a bit dumber since I have NO idea how that joke was meant to be taken.....

It means that she already knew the answer to the question.  And, I was so embarrassed about the typo in my original post I had to fix it here when I quoted it.  It only happened because I changed the subject after I had written the verb.  Maybe that shows how dumb adults is [sic] becoming.

not your typical...

Quote from: keithpenrod on December 07, 2011, 06:02:56 AM
It means that she already knew the answer to the question.  And, I was so embarrassed about the typo in my original post I had to fix it here when I quoted it.  It only happened because I changed the subject after I had written the verb.  Maybe that shows how dumb adults is [sic] becoming.
Ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (Had no clue since she is still struggling through Algebra 2) But now that I get it, it is quite amuzing. :D
"Accepting the truth and keeping faith is a strong thing to do. Mixing the two however, is the dumbest thing you've ever attempted." - Radical Ostriches Bringing Eternal Requiem Tonight
Advocate for the abnormal.

Happy_Is_Good

Here's an oldie....

A grade school teacher gave the assignment to her class that each student should think of a story and then a moral lesson learned for that story to share with the class the next day. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, and little Amy raises
her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral lesson of the story and Amy replies, Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next little Sandy offers to tell her story, and she says, "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral lesson of the story and Sandy replies, "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."

Finally it's little Andy's turn and he says, "My uncle John fought in the war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a machine gun, a machete, and case of beer. On the way down he drank the case of beer."

"Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looks in shock at Andy and asks if there is possibly any moral lesson to his story and Andy answers, "Don't mess with uncle John after he's been drinking!"

not your typical...

"Accepting the truth and keeping faith is a strong thing to do. Mixing the two however, is the dumbest thing you've ever attempted." - Radical Ostriches Bringing Eternal Requiem Tonight
Advocate for the abnormal.

keithpenrod

I always feel bad for the dyslexic atheist insomniac. 

He'd lie awake all night long wondering if there really was a dog.

not your typical...

Quote from: keithpenrod on December 07, 2011, 08:05:06 PM
I always feel bad for the dyslexic atheist insomniac. 

He'd lie awake all night long wondering if there really was a dog.
hahahaha! It's so wrong but so good.

Dyslexics Untie!

Procrastinators Unite!.......
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Tomorrow!
"Accepting the truth and keeping faith is a strong thing to do. Mixing the two however, is the dumbest thing you've ever attempted." - Radical Ostriches Bringing Eternal Requiem Tonight
Advocate for the abnormal.

The Magic Pudding


squidfetish

A couple are driving home when they run over a badger. They get out and find that it is still breathing but freezing cold.
The husband says, "Put it between your legs to warm it up."
The wife replies, "But it's wet and it stinks."
The husband says, "Well hold the badger's fucking nose then!"


I was feeling horny so I phoned the wife for a bit of phone sex As she answered, I said, "Tell me you're not wearing any knickers"
She said, "I actually am not wearing any knickers."
I said, "Oh yeah baby, tell me what you're doing, you naughty girl!"
She replied, "I'm taking a shit."

A local Member of Parliament visits an old folks home and asks a 90 year old woman if she'd ever been bed-ridden. She replied, "Oh yes, several times, but I prefer to be fucked up the ass on the sofa."

I reported a dead woman lying in a field to the police. They asked me, "How did you find her body?"
I replied, "Well, her tits were ok, but the rigor mortis had tightened her asshole a bit too much for my liking."

I was in pub last night and saw two large girls up by the bar. They both had strange accents so I said, "Hello are you two girls from Scotland?"
They screamed, "It's Wales, you fucking idiot!!"
So I immediately apologized and said, "Oh sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

I said to my doctor, "I've badly bruised my penis during a surfing accident"
He said, "Did you fall off your surfboard?"
I replied, "No, I had to slam my laptop shut rather quickly."


What's six inches long and isn't going to get sucked tonight?
Jimmy Saville's cigar

Last night I told my mate that I'd been shagging his wife.
He said, "Are you serious?"
I said, "no, nothing like that, it's just sex"

"Push harder!!" I shouted to my wife while she was in labour.
"Fuck off you twat!" she screamed back at me.
A bit harsh, I thought. It wasn't my fault the car had broken down on the way to the hospital.

I went to bed with 3 Thai girls last night. It was like winning the lottery - they had 6 matching balls.

A muslim has died while training to be a skydiver. A spokesman for the BNP School of Skydiving said he had no idea why the snorkel and flippers failed to open.

I just heard a rumour that Paul McCartney is already arguing with his new wife. Apparently she is spending twice as much money on shoes as his last wife.

My mate just asked me what ringtone I had. I said, "I don't know..... probably light brown..."

My wife came down from the shower and said, "I've shaved my pussy, do you know what that means?"
I replied, "Yeah, the fucking plughole is blocked..."

;D
reptilian overlord

squidfetish

There's a new type of Viagra available called 007.

It makes you roger more.
reptilian overlord