Happy Atheist Forum

My son is 6 and is going to school, involved in sports, the whole nine yards.  One thing I have run across more than once is other parents drilling me for information on what and where I worship.  I'm not terribly shy about my beliefs once someone asks me about them and so I've been very open with people about being an atheist.  I have no problem answering questions if people are curious but one reaction that I have an issue understanding is concern.  My automatic reaction is to go into a kind of gentle defense of my beliefs but I dislike this because it's almost as if I'm giving some credibility to some people's entirely unfounded and irrational fears regarding atheism and the ability to raise moral, ethical, happy and/or otherwise stable children.  Has anyone else had to deal with this kind of reaction to your beliefs or are other parents out there less forthcoming about what they believe to avoid these kind of conversations all together?

I'm less forth coming often...but I wish I weren't. I guess my fear is that my children will be discriminated against.

I guess when they ask you should be honest but not stand offish. Just clear and simple. If you defend yourself, it gives the illusion that you are doing something you feel is wrong.

Just say..."Our children are secular." Or..."We don't attend church, my partner and I are atheists." Or somethign along that line.

Christianity is a psychological virus.

pinko, I don't have kids myself (yet, looking at some in the next 2 or 3 years) but my friends who have kids have had more issues with being concerned about how their kids are going to be treated by their friends than the "concern" aspect from their parents.  This makes me think that you have very young children (young kids are less likely to understand when their parents say don't talk to that kid because he's an atheist).  A friend of mine has a 5 year old son who has already lost at least one friend from being outed as the child of (very involved) atheist parents; and her son is barely old enough to really grasp the difference between atheist and theist nor does he really care.

That said, I don't know what you tell the other parents.  Without having been in that exact situation, I think you just tell them that your child is free to determine what she believes when he is older and that you trust him to find the 'correct' path as he sees fit (or she).  If you still notice concern maybe you can point out that you notice the concern and ask why...then address those comments?

The title of this forum is borrowed form a book called "parenting beyond belief"  I've heard it is great from the skeptical parents who have read it.  I haven't personally had a chance to read it yet.

I get the 'concern' thing indirectly.  My husband is a fundamentalist, and at his church they are (inordinately, to my mind) preoccupied with making sure I don't somehow "damage" the kids with my lack of faith.  It would be laughable if they weren't completely serious.

If I'm forced to interact with his church circle, I take the gentle-but-unshakeably-firm-in-how-I view-the-world attitude.  No apologies or discomfort.  I am proud of my atheism, and I think it makes me a better parent, and to pretend otherwise to these people is simply false - bad example to set for my kids.

Bolero.

Quote from: "Bolero"I get the 'concern' thing indirectly.  My husband is a fundamentalist, and at his church they are (inordinately, to my mind) preoccupied with making sure I don't somehow "damage" the kids with my lack of faith.  It would be laughable if they weren't completely serious.

If I'm forced to interact with his church circle, I take the gentle-but-unshakeably-firm-in-how-I view-the-world attitude.  No apologies or discomfort.  I am proud of my atheism, and I think it makes me a better parent, and to pretend otherwise to these people is simply false - bad example to set for my kids.

Bolero.

That's often my plan of action as well.  I don't pretend to be anything I'm not, but I am very polite and compassionate about how I talk about my beliefs regarding religion to people who are religious.  I choose to view their concern was a positive thing - they're concerned for my kid - as opposed to a negative thing - they feel justified in their concern simply because I'm an atheist.

Hey Pinko, nice to meet you.

I'm the parent of three kids and have dealt with the "concern"issue a bit as well.  It got a little old for me.  I kept having to remember back when I was a fundy, and I would have reacted to a "scary atheist" in much the same way they are reacting to me now.  

One thing that seemed to work pretty well is to talk about other ethical atheists that they already knew.  Something like "Lots of people are atheist and agnostic though.  The founder of the Red Cross, Clara Barton, was an agnostic.  The guy behind one of the largest philanthropic organizations in the world, Bill Gates, is also an atheist.  We create loving, ethical families and do a lot of good in the world."

I did find once they got over their initial surprise of meeting a live atheist, most of them tended to settle down and be more accepting.  A few of them never got over the freak-out, however

Quote from: "TheOGMamaBear"I'm less forth coming often...but I wish I weren't. I guess my fear is that my children will be discriminated against. I guess when they ask you should be honest but not stand offish. Just clear and simple. If you defend yourself, it gives the illusion that you are doing something you feel is wrong.

i dont understand. if it bothers you that much why not just lie about it to get everyone to shut up? other than that if a simple i dont want to talk about it or even its none of your business doesnt suffice as an acceptable answer, why do you continue to talk to these people? i hope that people like this wouldnt be considered your friends.. with friends like that who would need enemies?

Quote from: "Bolero"I get the 'concern' thing indirectly. My husband is a fundamentalist, and at his church they are (inordinately, to my mind) preoccupied with making sure I don't somehow "damage" the kids with my lack of faith. It would be laughable if they weren't completely serious.

If I'm forced to interact with his church circle, I take the gentle-but-unshakeably-firm-in-how-I view-the-world attitude. No apologies or discomfort. I am proud of my atheism, and I think it makes me a better parent, and to pretend otherwise to these people is simply false - bad example to set for my kids.

Bolero.

i hope it is a friendly environment for you at least. that could be a sticky predicament seeming your husband is kinda sorta involved. i would hope though that he at least takes your side in some way during these forced interactions. unless of course you enjoy smiting them... then carry on  

i agree that it sets a good example for your kids. you stand up for what you believe in. perhaps seeing their mother do this will make them want to do the same for various things they believe.

Quote from: "G-Roll"

Quote from: "TheOGMamaBear"I'm less forth coming often...but I wish I weren't. I guess my fear is that my children will be discriminated against. I guess when they ask you should be honest but not stand offish. Just clear and simple. If you defend yourself, it gives the illusion that you are doing something you feel is wrong.

i dont understand. if it bothers you that much why not just lie about it to get everyone to shut up? other than that if a simple i dont want to talk about it or even its none of your business doesnt suffice as an acceptable answer, why do you continue to talk to these people? i hope that people like this wouldnt be considered your friends.. with friends like that who would need enemies?

Quote from: "Bolero"I get the 'concern' thing indirectly. My husband is a fundamentalist, and at his church they are (inordinately, to my mind) preoccupied with making sure I don't somehow "damage" the kids with my lack of faith. It would be laughable if they weren't completely serious.

If I'm forced to interact with his church circle, I take the gentle-but-unshakeably-firm-in-how-I view-the-world attitude. No apologies or discomfort. I am proud of my atheism, and I think it makes me a better parent, and to pretend otherwise to these people is simply false - bad example to set for my kids.

Bolero.

i hope it is a friendly environment for you at least. that could be a sticky predicament seeming your husband is kinda sorta involved. i would hope though that he at least takes your side in some way during these forced interactions. unless of course you enjoy smiting them... then carry on  

i agree that it sets a good example for your kids. you stand up for what you believe in. perhaps seeing their mother do this will make them want to do the same for various things they believe.

You are right I should be honest, but I dont considr these people my friends really. Just people I see now and again.

Quote from: "pinkocommie"My son is 6 and is going to school, involved in sports, the whole nine yards.  One thing I have run across more than once is other parents drilling me for information on what and where I worship.  I'm not terribly shy about my beliefs once someone asks me about them and so I've been very open with people about being an atheist.  I have no problem answering questions if people are curious but one reaction that I have an issue understanding is concern.  My automatic reaction is to go into a kind of gentle defense of my beliefs but I dislike this because it's almost as if I'm giving some credibility to some people's entirely unfounded and irrational fears regarding atheism and the ability to raise moral, ethical, happy and/or otherwise stable children.  Has anyone else had to deal with this kind of reaction to your beliefs or are other parents out there less forthcoming about what they believe to avoid these kind of conversations all together?

Simply avoid the questions and answers. It is not their business. I know it's hard, believe me, living in Mississippi we are faced with this often. But you know when the questions start what the goal really is so why go along with it? They are not "concerned," they are self righteous. They want to reinforce their own beliefs at every turn. Your private beliefs and location Sunday mornings is none of these stalkers' business. I have on many occasions said that is private- turn the tables on them can be fun too. Their bible says they are to pray in private, not take their religion outside to public. I suppose that's for the advanced atheist not scared to not be invited back to the picnic, but great fun all the same.

Yes, we've dealt with "concern" as well.  

One Example:  One mom at swim lessons commented on my Coexist sticker and asked me if I was in a cult.  When I laughed and answered that I wasn't, she looked confused.  So I offered that I just think all religions are equally right (a gentle of way of saying all of them are equally wrong, imo) and need to stop bombing each other over their beliefs.  Then she asked me whom we pray to when we get in trouble or need help.  I looked at her all confused and asked, "Why would I pray instead of working on the problem?"  She walked away.  

I totally get why it's harder for some than others to just be completely open and honest with their non-beliefs, especially once children are involved.  My kids do not have the logical, reasoning skills of adults yet (they are all 7 and under), so I don't want to invite debates or conversations that they can't defend/explain/articulate fully yet.  Plus, quite frankly, I don't feel it's anyone's business.  In my experience, the people who want to ask such things are the ones who are convinced they are right; it's pointless to engage in dialogue  about such matters with them.  Also, events with kids requires some ability to be civil so you can participate without feeling confronted or judged at every turn.  And really, I'm just not a confrontational person.  So I try to find a less direct, less threatening way to stand by my views without engaging in a level that suggests I'm trying to prove I'm right and someone else is wrong.  My closest, true friends know the full truth about my beliefs--or lack thereof.  My "friends" that are acquaintances because our kids do some activities together, nah.  Not worth the time and possible tense times together.  I'd rather focus on common ground during our limited time together.