I've been grieving the death of a loved one (happened a long time ago) but I've been thinking about him a lot and how much I miss him. It kills me that I will never see or talk to him ever again, does anyone have any suggestions for how I should deal with this thought? How do you deal with loss? Thanks
Were you ever in a faith that lead you to expect you would see/meet a lost loved one?
I ask because disappointment is proportional to expectation.
As they say, time heals all wounds.
The sadness does not last forever. Loss of a significant other is devastating to be sure. I have first hand knowledge of that crushing blow. My beloved wife of 30 years died suddenly, unexpectedly, and I was crushed beyond description. No I will never see her again or be so fortunate to have had her at my side.
Life goes on. I will never ever forget her or stop having love and respect for her. She was a champion human being and I am certain that she would not even have considered that I should or would resign from a productive and fulfilling life because of her loss.
You must get a grip on reality and accept that your, and our, fates should not, must not, revolve around an event for which you could have had little or no influence. In short, gather your senses and move on. You cannot unring a bell or change what was. I do hope that you can address this reality and take a lot of deep breaths and get on with your life as surely as your loved one could have wanted for you. Do you not honor his wishes for you? Then heal thyself as best you can. Yes you can.
Quote from: TheSadnessWillLastForever on November 25, 2020, 09:11:38 PM
I've been grieving the death of a loved one (happened a long time ago) but I've been thinking about him a lot and how much I miss him. It kills me that I will never see or talk to him ever again, does anyone have any suggestions for how I should deal with this thought? How do you deal with loss? Thanks
This question is hard to give an answer to, at least of the sort I think you're looking for. My Dad died some 10 years ago and as much as I wish I could see him again, it's never occurred to me to feel bad that I can't. It's just the natural order of things that gone is gone and I've never questioned that, even when I was trying to be religious. (admittedly religion and I were never a good fit tho I never had a hard time with it so it took me awhile to figure out)
I think some people are just more inclined to dwell on what was than others, and if, as Tank mentioned, you once had an expectation of seeing dead loved ones again that could make it a particularly hard adjustment. None of which helps with your problem, sorry.
Quote from: TheSadnessWillLastForever on November 25, 2020, 09:11:38 PM
I've been grieving the death of a loved one (happened a long time ago) but I've been thinking about him a lot and how much I miss him. It kills me that I will never see or talk to him ever again, does anyone have any suggestions for how I should deal with this thought? How do you deal with loss? Thanks
Quote from: TheSadnessWillLastForever on November 25, 2020, 09:06:58 PM
At the suggestion of my therapist I have joined (for support from other atheists) happy to be here
Hi,
TheSadnessWillLastForever :computerwave:
Are you here because you have to be here, or because you want to?
As an atheist, what advice would you give another atheist in your position?
"It kills me that I will never see or talk to him ever again,
..."
That sounds as if you're wishing for an afterlife, yes? :eyebrow:
Quote from: TheSadnessWillLastForever on November 25, 2020, 09:11:38 PM
I've been grieving the death of a loved one (happened a long time ago) but I've been thinking about him a lot and how much I miss him. It kills me that I will never see or talk to him ever again, does anyone have any suggestions for how I should deal with this thought? How do you deal with loss? Thanks
It's a sad thing that some of us HAFers react with suspicion to posts like this.
I blame the dishonesty of some Christians.
Was he friend, brother, lover? Your other for fifty years?
I liked Icarus's reply but what if he hadn't found a new love? some don't.
So it is most likely our "TheSadnessWillLastForever" is a drive by Christian, the same words are probably posted wherever the lacking atheist lurks.
QuoteIt kills me that I will never see or talk to him ever again, does anyone have any suggestions for how I should deal with this thought?
You remember a happy time, shed a tear and get on with it.
Or you can drink a lot and listen to Joy Division.
Is Gin better for indulging in morbid thoughts?
How about tequila?
All I've got is bear.
Large mammal with long shaggy coat and strong claws?
No, all I have is beer, I have quite a lot of it though.
Quote from: Tank on November 25, 2020, 09:49:54 PM
Were you ever in a faith that lead you to expect you would see/meet a lost loved one?
I ask because disappointment is proportional to expectation.
I did used to be a Christian but that was a long time ago. I did used to believe that I would see loved ones in heaven but I don't anymore.
Quote from: Magdalena on November 26, 2020, 04:46:34 AM
Quote from: TheSadnessWillLastForever on November 25, 2020, 09:11:38 PM
I've been grieving the death of a loved one (happened a long time ago) but I've been thinking about him a lot and how much I miss him. It kills me that I will never see or talk to him ever again, does anyone have any suggestions for how I should deal with this thought? How do you deal with loss? Thanks
Quote from: TheSadnessWillLastForever on November 25, 2020, 09:06:58 PM
At the suggestion of my therapist I have joined (for support from other atheists) happy to be here
Hi, TheSadnessWillLastForever
:computerwave:
Are you here because you have to be here, or because you want to?
As an atheist, what advice would you give another atheist in your position?
"It kills me that I will never see or talk to him ever again,
..."
That sounds as if you're wishing for an afterlife, yes? :eyebrow:
I am here at the suggestion of my therapist and honestly I just wanted to see if other atheists could help me or give me advice. I do wish I could see my loved one again but I do not want an afterlife, not even a little bit.
Quote from: Bad Penny II on November 26, 2020, 12:10:25 PM
Quote from: TheSadnessWillLastForever on November 25, 2020, 09:11:38 PM
I've been grieving the death of a loved one (happened a long time ago) but I've been thinking about him a lot and how much I miss him. It kills me that I will never see or talk to him ever again, does anyone have any suggestions for how I should deal with this thought? How do you deal with loss? Thanks
It's a sad thing that some of us HAFers react with suspicion to posts like this.
I blame the dishonesty of some Christians.
Was he friend, brother, lover? Your other for fifty years?
I liked Icarus's reply but what if he hadn't found a new love? some don't.
So it is most likely our "TheSadnessWillLastForever" is a drive by Christian, the same words are probably posted wherever the lacking atheist lurks.
QuoteIt kills me that I will never see or talk to him ever again, does anyone have any suggestions for how I should deal with this thought?
You remember a happy time, shed a tear and get on with it.
Or you can drink a lot and listen to Joy Division.
He was my best friend for years then my boyfriend for a little while then he killed himself, but this was years ago as I mentioned. I thought I had moved on but the grief has come back in waves and is overwhelming me. I used to be a Christian but I haven't been for a long time.
Quote from: TheSadnessWillLastForever on November 25, 2020, 09:11:38 PM
I've been grieving the death of a loved one (happened a long time ago) but I've been thinking about him a lot and how much I miss him. It kills me that I will never see or talk to him ever again, does anyone have any suggestions for how I should deal with this thought? How do you deal with loss? Thanks
Hello and welcome,
TheSadnessWillLastForever. Congratulations on correctly answering the questions three. :thumbsup2:
Apparently for humans, to live is to grieve. If you manage to cling to the mudball for more than a few happy summers (and you're not a psychopath) you will inevitably experience genuine, deep grief. I think everybody here knows the pain you speak of.
How to deal with loss? Appreciate the memories and respect those absent by living a good life. Easier said than done, but something to strive for. Keeping calm isn't a requirement, but carrying on is. If they were any good, that's what they'd want you to do.
I hope that you enjoy your time reading and posting here.
Sorry for your loss, TheSadnessWillLastForever. I think there's little I can add besides what others have said here. Be kind to yourself.
Quote from: TheSadnessWillLastForever on November 25, 2020, 09:11:38 PM
I've been grieving the death of a loved one (happened a long time ago) but I've been thinking about him a lot and how much I miss him. It kills me that I will never see or talk to him ever again, does anyone have any suggestions for how I should deal with this thought? How do you deal with loss? Thanks
Well...
Would you like to share with us the things that made him so unforgettable?
My father died more than twenty-five years ago. I'd calculate the exact amount but a quarter of a century is enough.
He died of cancer. I watched him in agony for over two months despite the morphine. He slept a lot too. I think they kept him sedated but I'm not sure.
Anyway, one thing he wanted from his kids (my brother and I) was to go on with our lives. Grieving is inevitable but go on. I've lived to that to the fullest that I was able and have no regrets. I think about him because it was on Thanksgiving day that he went to the hospital for the last time. The doctor said he wouldn't be leaving. He died New Year's day.
The holidays used to make me grieve all over again. The lights, the music, the chill of the night air... They don't do that to me anymore. I'll always think of him but I try to think of the times he spent with me as a child. I have some fond memories.
TheSadnessWillLastForever, I have found that the sadness of the loss of a loved one doesn't really go way, but in time you get to learn how to deal with it and it becomes less overwhelming. What I try to do is to recall the happy times, the great memories and be thankful that I got the opportunity to share in those happy times. It becomes easier with practice and eventually you find that when you think of that person you automatically think of all the good things rather than concentrating on your loss. At least that has been my experience in my 63 orbits around the sun.
Quote from: TheSadnessWillLastForever on November 26, 2020, 02:46:44 PM
I am here at the suggestion of my therapist and honestly I just wanted to see if other atheists could help me or give me advice. I do wish I could see my loved one again but I do not want an afterlife, not even a little bit.
I wouldn't mind an afterlife, if it was nice.
Does "my loved one" have a name?
We could just call him Mylov, or... Jeff.
I'd still suggest sad music, peoples point at youngens listening to sad music, saying it makes 'em sad, but it doesn't, they're already there, it helps.
Quote from: TheSadnessWillLastForever on November 26, 2020, 02:50:02 PM
He was my best friend for years then my boyfriend for a little while then he killed himself, but this was years ago as I mentioned. I thought I had moved on but the grief has come back in waves and is overwhelming me. I used to be a Christian but I haven't been for a long time.
I've been told that grief's often like that, coming in waves rather than ever being resolved completely, and that has been my own experience with intense grief. And I can't imagine a grief more intense than a loved one committing suicide.
The only thing I can see that's an "up" to hold onto here is that it does come and go in cycles -- it was better once before and eventually it'll get better again, for every time it gets worse it will always get better as well.
Dear Sad, you are among sympathetic ears and hearts. Tell us anything you want to about your loved one - we will consider it sacred.
Here is a read that may be of use to you. https://getpocket.com/explore/item/elizabeth-gilbert-on-love-loss-and-how-to-move-through-grief-as-grief-moves-through-you?utm_source=pocket-newtab
Quote from: Icarus on November 29, 2020, 02:34:55 AM
Here is a read that may be of use to you. https://getpocket.com/explore/item/elizabeth-gilbert-on-love-loss-and-how-to-move-through-grief-as-grief-moves-through-you?utm_source=pocket-newtab
That was beautiful, thank you.
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on November 29, 2020, 12:44:29 AM
Dear Sad, you are among sympathetic ears and hearts. Tell us anything you want to about your loved one - we will consider it sacred.
He was beautiful. Black hair and blue eyes, tall as fuck lol. It was his words I fell in love with, and his smile. We stayed up texting each other all night. He was a great storyteller, his best stories were the ones he made up of what our future together would hold. He was very funny, often trying his best to make me smile or laugh because he loved to see it, despite how crooked my teeth are. He was a great poet too, the kind that doesn't rhyme but would make you think. Make you cry. Make you appreciate life and your loved ones. He was a big fan of Edgar Allan Poe, his favorite poem being the one about Annabelle Lee. I still read it when I miss him. We loved with a love that was more than love. He was my soulmate. But his home life was really bad, he was suffering a great deal. I am glad he's not suffering anymore, I just miss him and I wish he would've reached out for help before doing what he did. Thank you for letting me talk about him
Quote from: TheSadnessWillLastForever on November 29, 2020, 06:43:50 PM
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on November 29, 2020, 12:44:29 AM
Dear Sad, you are among sympathetic ears and hearts. Tell us anything you want to about your loved one - we will consider it sacred.
He was beautiful. Black hair and blue eyes, tall as fuck lol. It was his words I fell in love with, and his smile. We stayed up texting each other all night. He was a great storyteller, his best stories were the ones he made up of what our future together would hold. He was very funny, often trying his best to make me smile or laugh because he loved to see it, despite how crooked my teeth are. He was a great poet too, the kind that doesn't rhyme but would make you think. Make you cry. Make you appreciate life and your loved ones. He was a big fan of Edgar Allan Poe, his favorite poem being the one about Annabelle Lee. I still read it when I miss him. We loved with a love that was more than love. He was my soulmate. But his home life was really bad, he was suffering a great deal. I am glad he's not suffering anymore, I just miss him and I wish he would've reached out for help before doing what he did. Thank you for letting me talk about him
Sounds like he was a great person.
Quote from: TheSadnessWillLastForever on November 29, 2020, 06:43:50 PM
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on November 29, 2020, 12:44:29 AM
Dear Sad, you are among sympathetic ears and hearts. Tell us anything you want to about your loved one - we will consider it sacred.
He was beautiful. Black hair and blue eyes, tall as fuck lol. It was his words I fell in love with, and his smile. We stayed up texting each other all night. He was a great storyteller, his best stories were the ones he made up of what our future together would hold. He was very funny, often trying his best to make me smile or laugh because he loved to see it, despite how crooked my teeth are. He was a great poet too, the kind that doesn't rhyme but would make you think. Make you cry. Make you appreciate life and your loved ones. He was a big fan of Edgar Allan Poe, his favorite poem being the one about Annabelle Lee. I still read it when I miss him. We loved with a love that was more than love. He was my soulmate. But his home life was really bad, he was suffering a great deal. I am glad he's not suffering anymore, I just miss him and I wish he would've reached out for help before doing what he did. Thank you for letting me talk about him
I also like Edgar Allan Poe. Thanks for telling us about your loved one.
If you had the opportunity to communicate once again with your lost love, do you think he would want you to suffer, or would he want you to carry on and find happiness?
Six years ago I unexpectedly lost my beloved wife of 24 years. It was devastating, but I knew she would have wanted me to move on - because she loved me.
The following year I met a recently widowed lady who fully understood how I felt. She had a note on her desk that said "There comes a time when the memories bring smiles rather than tears". It took a few years, but it is true. We married later that year.
One thing that helped us both was having pictures of our lost loves throughout the house. We can smile at them and say hello every day, keeping them alive in our hearts. If it were me who had to go, all I would ask is that she remember me and the good times we had together.
Like all memories, the pain is always there if you look for it. I am crying right now as I type this. The key is to not seek out and dwell on those painful memories of loss, but do accept them and give them their moment when they do surface. Then give equal time to the pleasant memories, and get on with your day. Over time older memories are buried by newer ones and surface less often. Seeking them out only brings pain that neither you nor your lost love would want for you.
Carl Sagan's wife summed it up more beautifully than I ever could.
On her husband's death, she said:
"They also frequently ask me if I think I will see him again. Carl faced his death with unflagging courage and never sought refuge in illusions. The tragedy was that we knew we would never see each other again. I don't ever expect to be reunited with Carl. But, the great thing is that when we were together, for nearly twenty years, we lived with a vivid appreciation of how brief and precious life is. We never trivialized the meaning of death by pretending it was anything other than a final parting. Every single moment that we were alive and we were together was miraculous-not miraculous in the sense of inexplicable or supernatural. We knew we were beneficiaries of chance. . . . That pure chance could be so generous and so kind. . . . That we could find each other, as Carl wrote so beautifully in Cosmos, you know, in the vastness of space and the immensity of time. . . . That we could be together for twenty years. That is something which sustains me and it's much more meaningful. . . . The way he treated me and the way I treated him, the way we took care of each other and our family, while he lived. That is so much more important than the idea I will see him someday. I don't think I'll ever see Carl again. But I saw him. We saw each other. We found each other in the cosmos, and that was wonderful."
Mrs Sagans' response is elegant and hugely realistic.