Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

Started by no_god_know_peace, November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

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Amicale

An old farmer writes to his son in prison:

Dear son, this year I wont be able to plant potatoes because I can't dig the field by myself. I know if you were here, you would help me.

The son writes back: Dad, don't even think of digging the field, because that's where I buried the money I stole.

The police read the letter and the next day the whole field was dug by police looking for the money but nothing was found.

The following day the son wrote again....

Now plant your potatoes dad.. It's the best I can do from here!


"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

Magdalena

I hope you haven't heard this one yet.  :D

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, an we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"


"I've had several "spiritual" or numinous experiences over the years, but never felt that they were the product of anything but the workings of my own mind in reaction to the universe." ~Recusant

Sweetdeath

Quote from: Amicale on September 22, 2012, 05:32:15 AM
An old farmer writes to his son in prison:

Dear son, this year I wont be able to plant potatoes because I can't dig the field by myself. I know if you were here, you would help me.

The son writes back: Dad, don't even think of digging the field, because that's where I buried the money I stole.

The police read the letter and the next day the whole field was dug by police looking for the money but nothing was found.

The following day the son wrote again....

Now plant your potatoes dad.. It's the best I can do from here!

Aww, I like this one a lot.  :D
Law 35- "You got to go with what works." - Robin Lefler

Wiggum:"You have that much faith in me, Homer?"
Homer:"No! Faith is what you have in things that don't exist. Your awesomeness is real."

"I was thinking that perhaps this thing called God does not exist. Because He cannot save any one of us. No matter how we pray, He doesn't mend our wounds.

NoHandlebarsAttached

Quote from: Amicale on September 22, 2012, 05:32:15 AM
An old farmer writes to his son in prison:

Dear son, this year I wont be able to plant potatoes because I can't dig the field by myself. I know if you were here, you would help me.

The son writes back: Dad, don't even think of digging the field, because that's where I buried the money I stole.

The police read the letter and the next day the whole field was dug by police looking for the money but nothing was found.

The following day the son wrote again....

Now plant your potatoes dad.. It's the best I can do from here!
Love it.

Guardian85

Olaf was a resistance man during the war and hosted the resistance meetings at his farm. He was also the owner of a rather splendid parrot that he had gotten as a gift from his sailing son before the war. In hisspare time he amused himself by teaching it to talk, which would prove to be a mistake.

One day, while Olaf was out,  a patrol of german soldiers were marching past the house. As the parrot saw them it started saying "Down with Hitler! Down with Hitler!".
The sergeant, furious with this insult to the Fuhrer, made notes of the event and the address. The serving girl at the farm saw what happened and ran to find Olaf and warn him of what had happened. Olaf was suitably terrified of the possibility that he would be arrested, until he remembered that the pastor also owned a parrot. So he ran to the pastor's home and begged him to switch parrot with him until this all blew over. The pastor agreed and the switch was made.

The day after a car pulled up and two severe looking fellows in long dark coats got out. knocking on the door the two men identified themselves as GESTAPO and demanded to see the parrot. Olaf dutifully invited them into his home and brought them into the living room where the parrot (which he had borrowed from the pastor) was sitting on it's peg.
One of them walked up to it and said in a calm, quiet voice "Down with Hitler!" The parrot just sat there looking at him.
"Down with Hitler!" He said again, a little more forcefully. Still the parrot said nothing.
"Down with Hitler!", the agent shouted at the parrot, getting more and more flustered with each attempt to make the parrot speak. By the end both he and his partner are shouting at the parrot, pleading with the parrot, anything to get it to say "down with Hilter".
Finally one of them, sweaty, out of breath and on the verge of giving up tries one last time. He looks at the parrot and with the last of his voice whispers "Down with Hitler...".
The parrot looks at him, folds its' wings in front of it's chest and said: "The Lord hear thy prayer. Amen!"


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-


Buddy

I'm listening to Nephew's Igen Og Igen and my mom's boyfriend walks in my room with a confused look on his face asking why they were singing about and orca man.  :D
Strange but not a stranger<br /><br />I love my car more than I love most people.

Guardian85

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied,

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

Tank

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Amicale

LOL, Tank!  :D Love it.

Now you've got me hungry. And singing. Well done. ;)


"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

joeactor


Amicale

Quote from: joeactor on October 02, 2012, 08:14:57 PM
... one of my faves from Rowan Atkinson:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTzXJMU1sLc


Excellent one. I love that man, haha. So good. Love the one he does on going out on a date with a girl and not appearing too eager. ;D


"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

joeactor

Quote from: Amicale on October 02, 2012, 08:26:19 PM
Quote from: joeactor on October 02, 2012, 08:14:57 PM
... one of my faves from Rowan Atkinson:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTzXJMU1sLc

Excellent one. I love that man, haha. So good. Love the one he does on going out on a date with a girl and not appearing too eager. ;D

... this one has a different ending than I remember (I think he has a less pc version called the Amazing Jesus and Trixie)
He got me in "Blackadder", and I enjoyed some of Mr. Bean (but not the movies).  Very smart and funny guy.

xSilverPhinx

I thought Johnny English was hilarious, Rowan Atkinson can really pull off being serious and funny at the same time. :D
I am what survives if it's slain - Zack Hemsey


Guardian85



"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-