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Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

Started by no_god_know_peace, November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

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joeactor

Quote from: Tank on January 10, 2012, 04:23:53 PM
Q: What should you call a bald teddy?
A: Fred bear!



(7... 8... 9... ) Oh! I get it!  (funny ;-)

Reminded me of this one:

A three year old boy opens the refrigerator and sees a squirrel inside.
The boy says "hey! what are you doing in my fridge?"
The squirrel asks "isn't this a Westinghouse?"
"Yeah", says the boy.
"Well" the squirrel replies, "I is westing!"


Tank

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur.  I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.  I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".

I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it".  He said "Those are pickled onions".
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

superfes

Just heard this one on the radio...

QuoteA cab driver is doing his rounds downtown when he sees a naked woman running down an ally toward his cab.

He picks her up and she tells him where she lives.

He starts driving there and she notices him checking her out through the rear-view mirror.

She asks: You like what you see?

He replies: Well, I was just wondering how you're going to pay your fare...

She puts her feet up against the glass and spreads her legs and says: I was going to pay with this...

He says: Have anything smaller?

=D
Nothing teaches the true teachings of Jesus Christ better than not following them.

Guardian85

Quote from: Tank on January 12, 2012, 08:19:27 PM
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur.  I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.  I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".

I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it".  He said "Those are pickled onions".

BAD PUN! ;D


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

Asmodean

Quote from: Tank on January 12, 2012, 08:19:27 PM
I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it".  He said "Those are pickled onions".
:o WHO would dare complain about lumps?!
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

Ali

Quote from: The Magic Pudding on December 31, 2011, 03:05:54 PM
Quote from: Ali on December 31, 2011, 05:25:44 AM
What's the difference between a badger and a head of lettuce?

Neither one can drive a tractor!

(I love kind of absurd humor.)

I'm having trouble finding absurdity in your humour.
Silly is OK most of the time.
Ah sorry I'm being to negative, here have some smiligans  :) :D :) ;D

D'oh!  I typed the joke wrong.  I'm awful at jokes, I always mess them up.  Let me try it again:

What do a badger and a head of cabbage have in common?

Neither one can drive a tractor.

Better?

--------------------------------------------

Somehow it's not as funny this time around.

Okay, okay.  Let me try another one.

Guy goes out to the woods to go hunting, and he shoots at a bear, but misses.  The bear comes over and says "I hate hunters, and I especially hate bear hunters.  I'll give you a choice.  You can either let me have my way with you, or I can just kill you."

The hunter doesn't want to die, so he lets the bear do have him.

The next day, the hunter is still fuming over having to give over to the bear, so he packs a bigger gun, and he goes back out to the woods.  Shoots at the bear, misses.  Bear comes over and says "You again?!?  Well, you know the drill.  What'll it be?"

The next morning, the hunter is even more angry at having let the bear do his thing twice in two days, so he packs his biggest gun and he goes back to the woods.  Apparently being the world's worst shot, he shoots at the bear again, and misses again.  The bear comes over and says "You don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

The Magic Pudding


Tank

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Asmodean

Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

Guardian85



"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

Buddy

Strange but not a stranger<br /><br />I love my car more than I love most people.

Guardian85

One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin."

In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.

"Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin.

"Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones.

"God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once again. "Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon.

Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again.

He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

Ali

One day, a local man was out fishing with his parish priest.  The priest caught a fish, and before he could help himself, the local man exclaimed "That's a big son of a bitch!"  The priest looked very disapproving, and began to lecture the man about using impure language.  To cover his embarrassment, the man said "Oh no, no Father!  That's the actual name of the fish.  You know, like some fish are trout, some are catfish, that one's a Sonovabitch."

The priest nodded and smiled.  "Oh, see.  I apologize for the misunderstanding."

The priest took the fish home, and brought it to Sister Mary Clare.

"I caught this big Sonovabitch today.  Can you please clean it so we can eat it tonight for dinner?"

"Father!  Your language!"

"No, no, that's the name of the fish.  You know, like some fish are trout, some are catfish, that one's a Sonovabitch."

"Oh, I see.  Of course Father, I'll clean it for you.

Next, Sister Mary Clare took the fish to Sister Mary Francis.

"Father Thomas caught this big Sonovabitch, and I cleaned it.  Can you please cook it for our dinner tonight?"

"Sister!  Your language!"

"No, no, that's the name of the fish.  You know, like some fish are trout, some are catfish, that one's a Sonovabitch."

"Oh, I see.  Of course Sister Mary Clare, I'll cook it for you."

That night, the Pope came for dinner, and as he took a bite of the fish, he commented on how delicious it was.

Father Thomas said proudly "I caught the Sonovabitch."

Sister Mary Clare said proudly "I cleaned the Sonovabitch."

Sister Mary Francis said proudly "I cooked the Sonovabitch."

The pope looked around the table for a moment, and then broke into a big grin.  "You motherfuckers are alright!" he said.

AnimatedDirt

Found this:

A religious woman upon waking up each morning would open her front door stand on the porch and scream, "Praise the Lord." This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, "there is no Lord." One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food, thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch. The next morning the lady screamed, "Praise the Lord, who gave me this food." The neighbor laughing so hard he could barely get the words out screamed "it wasn't the Lord, it was me." The lady without missing a beat screamed "Praise the Lord for not only giving me food but making the atheist pay for it."

Tank

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.