Being an atheist mom....

[Asherah]

Wow, so many great responses. Thanks so much! There is a lot of information for me to think on. You all are just a bunch of really freakin' intelligent people. I love it!

Today, I decided to talk about why we celebrate Easter. So, I talked about how in winter everything dies and then I asked my son "What happens in the Spring?" and  he said "Everything comes back to life!" and I said "Right! And, that's what Easter is about! Dying and coming back to life! And, you know what we are going to learn about at church this morning?" and He said "What?" and I said, "Jesus dying and coming back to life. That's another reason people celebrate Easter. But, you know what? Not everyone believes that Jesus really came to back to life. Daddy believes it and so does grandma and grandpa. But, Ali (our Muslim friend) doesn't believe that Jesus came back to life. People believe different things." And, he looked at me intently and was really taking it all in. Then he went back to playing.

So, that's the first attempt I've ever had at trying to show him that people believe different things. And, I didn't identify my beliefs because I'm not ready to do that in front of them. But, I think you all are right, I'm going to take my kids' lead and answer questions when they come up from now on. I know that sooner or later, they will ask if I believe and I'll be honest.

Just to answer the question of 'how religious can a 3 year old be'... My daughter reminds us to pray at dinner and that's the extent of it. She's so adorable when she says "Mommy! We forgot to pray!!" I came across an idea to help her forget about praying! We are going to start doing cheers before we eat dinner. That will be fun for us and they'll look forward to it. I found the idea on this atheist mom's blog http://atheistmom.com/

[Amicale]

Really, REALLY great responses, everyone! We've got some very smart parents here!

Asherah, I think you handled that really, really well. 

No need to stress too much all at once. Just answer questions over time as they come. Kids ask when they're ready for an answer, usually -- we all do that. And most of life won't come down to religious talks, it'll come down to family time, going on outings, shopping, tucking the kids in at night, etc... just the mundane stuff that makes being a mommy so rewarding.

Also, since your husband does believe in God, if he WANTS to say grace with the kids occasionally, I'm not really sure it would hurt, if it means a lot to him. I mean, grace is basically just "thank you God for this food" or if it's the traditional grace, it's usually so hurriedly mumbled nobody stops to contemplate the wording.  I Do like the idea of cheers, though. At our dinner table before we eat, we either share one really good thing that happened during our day, or we say one thing we're grateful for. If my almost-4-year-old wants to say she's thankful for/happy about her favourite toys, fine by me! One night I tried something different, though. I showed her the packaging from our food, and where the food came from - vegetables from one place, meat from another, etc and I told her I was very thankful to the people who worked so hard to pick the veggies, cut the meat, package everything, ship it, etc. She seemed to like this idea. Her addition was "I'm thankful they waited until the peppers were nice bright colours before they picked them!" 

At bedtime, instead of bedtime prayers, we say out loud who/what we love. I always list our close family including her of course, and her dad, who is family to me and is one of my best friends... and she lists our family, a few of her little friends, and the occasional adored stuffed animal or whichever invisible friend she happens to believe in that week.  It's our family's way of kinda appreciating each other on a good day, and reconnecting/reaffirming our love for everyone even on a stressful day.

[Stevil]

Great job Asherah.

Fantastic tie in to nature and the seasons.

About your kid asking about prayer at food time, my three year old is a creature of habit, if we miss a step, she reminds us of the missing step.

[Amicale]

Great job Asherah.

Fantastic tie in to nature and the seasons.

About your kid asking about prayer at food time, my three year old is a creature of habit, if we miss a step, she reminds us of the missing step.

Mine's like this too. Friends who have kids around that age also seem to experience the same thing - the kids wanting routines, regular habits, etc. I don't know if all kids thrive on that, but so many little kids do, that I think it might be hardwired into them. If mine gets a nap at the wrong time, even, she can get all out of sorts.

[Siz]

Great job Asherah.

Fantastic tie in to nature and the seasons.

About your kid asking about prayer at food time, my three year old is a creature of habit, if we miss a step, she reminds us of the missing step.

Mine's like this too. Friends who have kids around that age also seem to experience the same thing - the kids wanting routines, regular habits, etc. I don't know if all kids thrive on that, but so many little kids do, that I think it might be hardwired into them. If mine gets a nap at the wrong time, even, she can get all out of sorts.

Do you think that reinforcing a reliance on routine and sameness is appropriate? Routines are a wonderful tool for helping a child learn good behaviours but as one grows we must be encouraging an ability to adapt to change and be flexible; this is crucial in our modern world. Otherwise we end up with countries full of opinionated, blinkered bigots unable to take a view of other perspectives and lacking in imagination. Any countries spring to mind?

[Tank]

Great job Asherah.

Fantastic tie in to nature and the seasons.

About your kid asking about prayer at food time, my three year old is a creature of habit, if we miss a step, she reminds us of the missing step.

Mine's like this too. Friends who have kids around that age also seem to experience the same thing - the kids wanting routines, regular habits, etc. I don't know if all kids thrive on that, but so many little kids do, that I think it might be hardwired into them. If mine gets a nap at the wrong time, even, she can get all out of sorts.

Do you think that reinforcing a reliance on routine and sameness is appropriate? Routines are a wonderful tool for helping a child learn good behaviours but as one grows we must be encouraging an ability to adapt to change and be flexible; this is crucial in our modern world. Otherwise we end up with countries full of opinionated, blinkered bigots unable to take a view of other perspectives and lacking in imagination. Any countries spring to mind?

Personally I think routine is very important to a young mind. It's the 'grammer' of existence and the framework of learning. My grandson knows his getting up routine. So he goes to play school where there is tons of free flow play but he knows that when he gets home it's doggies!! dinner, bath, bed. Dogmatic routine with no free flow play or variety is a problem, but IMO a structured day is basically a good thing while kids are young. Also consider how an adult house would run without routine. It's a part of life and if everybody did everything they wanted when they liked how would anything ever get done in modern society? Who would get in the shower first?

[Siz]

Great job Asherah.

Fantastic tie in to nature and the seasons.

About your kid asking about prayer at food time, my three year old is a creature of habit, if we miss a step, she reminds us of the missing step.

Mine's like this too. Friends who have kids around that age also seem to experience the same thing - the kids wanting routines, regular habits, etc. I don't know if all kids thrive on that, but so many little kids do, that I think it might be hardwired into them. If mine gets a nap at the wrong time, even, she can get all out of sorts.

Do you think that reinforcing a reliance on routine and sameness is appropriate? Routines are a wonderful tool for helping a child learn good behaviours but as one grows we must be encouraging an ability to adapt to change and be flexible; this is crucial in our modern world. Otherwise we end up with countries full of opinionated, blinkered bigots unable to take a view of other perspectives and lacking in imagination. Any countries spring to mind?

Personally I think routine is very important to a young mind. It's the 'grammer' of existence and the framework of learning. My grandson knows his getting up routine. So he goes to play school where there is tons of free flow play but he knows that when he gets home it's doggies!! dinner, bath, bed. Dogmatic routine with no free flow play or variety is a problem, but IMO a structured day is basically a good thing while kids are young. Also consider how an adult house would run without routine. It's a part of life and if everybody did everything they wanted when they liked how would anything ever get done in modern society? Who would get in the shower first?

I have nothing against structure, of course, but when that manifests in the individual as obsessive, blind ritual we must be careful of reinforcement by indulgence. Throw them a 'googlie' and they're lost. This is not free-thinking.

[Tank]

Great job Asherah.

Fantastic tie in to nature and the seasons.

About your kid asking about prayer at food time, my three year old is a creature of habit, if we miss a step, she reminds us of the missing step.

Mine's like this too. Friends who have kids around that age also seem to experience the same thing - the kids wanting routines, regular habits, etc. I don't know if all kids thrive on that, but so many little kids do, that I think it might be hardwired into them. If mine gets a nap at the wrong time, even, she can get all out of sorts.

Do you think that reinforcing a reliance on routine and sameness is appropriate? Routines are a wonderful tool for helping a child learn good behaviours but as one grows we must be encouraging an ability to adapt to change and be flexible; this is crucial in our modern world. Otherwise we end up with countries full of opinionated, blinkered bigots unable to take a view of other perspectives and lacking in imagination. Any countries spring to mind?

Personally I think routine is very important to a young mind. It's the 'grammer' of existence and the framework of learning. My grandson knows his getting up routine. So he goes to play school where there is tons of free flow play but he knows that when he gets home it's doggies!! dinner, bath, bed. Dogmatic routine with no free flow play or variety is a problem, but IMO a structured day is basically a good thing while kids are young. Also consider how an adult house would run without routine. It's a part of life and if everybody did everything they wanted when they liked how would anything ever get done in modern society? Who would get in the shower first?

I have nothing against structure, of course, but when that manifests in the individual as obsessive, blind ritual we must be careful of reinforcement by indulgence. Throw them a 'googlie' and they're lost. This is not free-thinking.

I think we are in violent agreement 

[Siz]

Great job Asherah.

Fantastic tie in to nature and the seasons.

About your kid asking about prayer at food time, my three year old is a creature of habit, if we miss a step, she reminds us of the missing step.

Mine's like this too. Friends who have kids around that age also seem to experience the same thing - the kids wanting routines, regular habits, etc. I don't know if all kids thrive on that, but so many little kids do, that I think it might be hardwired into them. If mine gets a nap at the wrong time, even, she can get all out of sorts.

Do you think that reinforcing a reliance on routine and sameness is appropriate? Routines are a wonderful tool for helping a child learn good behaviours but as one grows we must be encouraging an ability to adapt to change and be flexible; this is crucial in our modern world. Otherwise we end up with countries full of opinionated, blinkered bigots unable to take a view of other perspectives and lacking in imagination. Any countries spring to mind?

Personally I think routine is very important to a young mind. It's the 'grammer' of existence and the framework of learning. My grandson knows his getting up routine. So he goes to play school where there is tons of free flow play but he knows that when he gets home it's doggies!! dinner, bath, bed. Dogmatic routine with no free flow play or variety is a problem, but IMO a structured day is basically a good thing while kids are young. Also consider how an adult house would run without routine. It's a part of life and if everybody did everything they wanted when they liked how would anything ever get done in modern society? Who would get in the shower first?

I have nothing against structure, of course, but when that manifests in the individual as obsessive, blind ritual we must be careful of reinforcement by indulgence. Throw them a 'googlie' and they're lost. This is not free-thinking.

I think we are in violent agreement 

I know how painful that admission must have been for you...

[Tank]

Great job Asherah.

Fantastic tie in to nature and the seasons.

About your kid asking about prayer at food time, my three year old is a creature of habit, if we miss a step, she reminds us of the missing step.

Mine's like this too. Friends who have kids around that age also seem to experience the same thing - the kids wanting routines, regular habits, etc. I don't know if all kids thrive on that, but so many little kids do, that I think it might be hardwired into them. If mine gets a nap at the wrong time, even, she can get all out of sorts.

Do you think that reinforcing a reliance on routine and sameness is appropriate? Routines are a wonderful tool for helping a child learn good behaviours but as one grows we must be encouraging an ability to adapt to change and be flexible; this is crucial in our modern world. Otherwise we end up with countries full of opinionated, blinkered bigots unable to take a view of other perspectives and lacking in imagination. Any countries spring to mind?

Personally I think routine is very important to a young mind. It's the 'grammer' of existence and the framework of learning. My grandson knows his getting up routine. So he goes to play school where there is tons of free flow play but he knows that when he gets home it's doggies!! dinner, bath, bed. Dogmatic routine with no free flow play or variety is a problem, but IMO a structured day is basically a good thing while kids are young. Also consider how an adult house would run without routine. It's a part of life and if everybody did everything they wanted when they liked how would anything ever get done in modern society? Who would get in the shower first?

I have nothing against structure, of course, but when that manifests in the individual as obsessive, blind ritual we must be careful of reinforcement by indulgence. Throw them a 'googlie' and they're lost. This is not free-thinking.

I think we are in violent agreement 

I know how painful that admission must have been for you...

That folks was a perfect example of projection. 

[Amicale]

Ah, you two. 

I think it's REALLY important for life to be predictable for small children. They thrive on routine and doing things in a known, precise order. I'm totally fine with indulging that as much as possible. It doesn't mean that life will always be predictable, and it doesn't mean you're an absolute slave to a schedule... but it does mean that as often as possible, I think it's good to make little ones feel as secure as possible. The early years (under 4 or 5) really set the pattern for their later growing up years, I think. If they learn they can trust us to be predictable when they're little, they'll trust us to help them navigate life whenever it becomes a lot less predictable. I just think it's a good foundation, the same way you start babies off on milk, gradually go to pablum/baby food and then more solid food. It's a slow ramping up process. Little kids don't know the world's so complicated, they need to find out in slow steps, I think.

[Ali]

Ah, you two. 

I think it's REALLY important for life to be predictable for small children. They thrive on routine and doing things in a known, precise order. I'm totally fine with indulging that as much as possible. It doesn't mean that life will always be predictable, and it doesn't mean you're an absolute slave to a schedule... but it does mean that as often as possible, I think it's good to make little ones feel as secure as possible. The early years (under 4 or 5) really set the pattern for their later growing up years, I think. If they learn they can trust us to be predictable when they're little, they'll trust us to help them navigate life whenever it becomes a lot less predictable. I just think it's a good foundation, the same way you start babies off on milk, gradually go to pablum/baby food and then more solid food. It's a slow ramping up process. Little kids don't know the world's so complicated, they need to find out in slow steps, I think.

I agree with this.  Which is not to say that we never deviate from our schedule.  Life happens, and we certainly roll with it.  But I do try to provide structure for T as I can, and it does seem to be a comfort for him to know what to expect and what is expected.

Amicale, A still naps?  *Jealous*  I used to live for naptime on the weekends because I love to nap too!  That became part of my routine, put T down for his nap, and then go lay in bed with a book until I drifted off.  It was wonderful.  Then he stopped napping.   

[Amicale]

Ah, you two. 

I think it's REALLY important for life to be predictable for small children. They thrive on routine and doing things in a known, precise order. I'm totally fine with indulging that as much as possible. It doesn't mean that life will always be predictable, and it doesn't mean you're an absolute slave to a schedule... but it does mean that as often as possible, I think it's good to make little ones feel as secure as possible. The early years (under 4 or 5) really set the pattern for their later growing up years, I think. If they learn they can trust us to be predictable when they're little, they'll trust us to help them navigate life whenever it becomes a lot less predictable. I just think it's a good foundation, the same way you start babies off on milk, gradually go to pablum/baby food and then more solid food. It's a slow ramping up process. Little kids don't know the world's so complicated, they need to find out in slow steps, I think.

I agree with this.  Which is not to say that we never deviate from our schedule.  Life happens, and we certainly roll with it.  But I do try to provide structure for T as I can, and it does seem to be a comfort for him to know what to expect and what is expected.

Amicale, A still naps?  *Jealous*  I used to live for naptime on the weekends because I love to nap too!  That became part of my routine, put T down for his nap, and then go lay in bed with a book until I drifted off.  It was wonderful.  Then he stopped napping.   

Yup, agreed on the structure as much as possible but rolling with life as it happens! It slowly introduces them to inconveniences, aka most of reality. 

And yes, she still naps. It was funny, she HATED to nap when she was a bit younger, but by the time she was two and a half, she'd started wanting a nap... so really, I've only had a year and a half of naptime, not nearly 4. 

[Siz]

I have nothing against structure, of course, but when that manifests in the individual as obsessive, blind ritual we must be careful of reinforcement by indulgence. Throw them a 'googlie' and they're lost. This is not free-thinking.

I think we are in violent agreement 

I know how painful that admission must have been for you...

That folks was a perfect example of projection. 

But..but...but... Doh!

[Asherah]

No need to stress too much all at once. Just answer questions over time as they come. Kids ask when they're ready for an answer, usually -- we all do that. And most of life won't come down to religious talks, it'll come down to family time, going on outings, shopping, tucking the kids in at night, etc... just the mundane stuff that makes being a mommy so rewarding.

Yes, I agree. I just had an instance today with my son. He's never really cared about how babies are made and all that. But, today, just out of the blue he asked how the baby bird gets inside the egg!! I was really pleased that he has started to think about these things. And, we got online and I tried explaining it to him in a way a 5 year old could understand. It was cool. I never would have thought to have a talk about how birds make babies, but that's what he wanted to know about.

Also, since your husband does believe in God, if he WANTS to say grace with the kids occasionally, I'm not really sure it would hurt, if it means a lot to him.

Yea, I told him it was cool. But, my husband is a very quiet (with regards to God, and etc) type of a person and he's never been much for praying as a family anyways. So, it's worked itself out. I used to usually remind him to pray. But, now I just don't say anything and he doesn't pray.
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