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Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

Started by no_god_know_peace, November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

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Dark Lightning

What can be worse than getting arrested for indecent exposure?

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Ecurb Noselrub

Quote from: Dark Lightning on October 26, 2021, 04:41:39 PM
What can be worse than getting arrested for indecent exposure?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.


Ha!  You win the coveted Papasito award for today.

Biggus Dickus

Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on October 26, 2021, 04:53:25 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on October 26, 2021, 04:41:39 PM
What can be worse than getting arrested for indecent exposure?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.


Ha!  You win the coveted Papasito award for today.

I agree, that was really funny....so today's award definitely belongs to Dark Lightning, butt I shall return! 8)
"Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair."

Biggus Dickus

During the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution, one morning's executions began with three men: a Rabbi, a Catholic priest, and an Atheist.

The rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the guillotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the rabbi cried out, "I believe in the one and only true God, and He shall save me." The executioner then positioned the rabbi below the blade, set the block above his neck, and pulled the cord to set the terrible instrument in motion. The heavy cleaver plunged downward, searing the air. But then, abruptly, it stopped with a crack just a few inches above the would-be victim's neck. To which the rabbi said, "I told you so."

"It's a miracle!" gasped the crowd. And the executioner had to agree, letting the rabbi go.

Next in line was the priest. Asked for his final words, he declared, "I believe in Jesus Christ the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost who will rescue me in my hour of need." The executioner then positioned this man beneath the blade. And he pulled the cord. Again the blade flew downward thump! creak! ...stopping just short of its mark once more.

"Another miracle!" sighed the disappointed crowd. And the executioner for a second time had no choice, but to let the condemned go free.

Now it was the Atheist turn. "What final words have you to say?" he was asked. But the skeptic didn't hear. Staring intently at the ominous engine of death, he seemed lost, as if deep in thought. So the executioner poked him in the ribs, and asked him again, "what final words have you to say?"

"Oh, now I see your problem," the Atheist said pointing. "You've got a blockage in the gear assembly, right there, do you see it?...that's why the blade keeps stopping short!"
"Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair."

billy rubin

john and jane hill were travelling through transylvania on a vacation when they had a flat tire in the rental car. the spare was flat and there was no cell coverage

what;;ll we do said jane

i guess we walk john answerted

so they walked and walked, and the didnt see anybody, just woods and bleak and barren swampy places. then as it was getting towards dark jane sadid

look up there on top of that hhill is that an old castle

yes said john. it looks pretty ruinous but maybe theres a a caretaker. lets go see

so they walked up the narrow winding lane to the gates in the grwoing dark. the castle wasnt so ruinous after all, although it wasnt very friendly looking either. finally they came to a thick wooden door with a giant knocker on it in the shape of a huge bat

john reached up and swung the heavy knocker

BOOM

BOOM

BOOM

there was no response. then far away inside they could hear a sguffling sound, that got louder and louder and then they heard a heavy latch being turned, and then a bar being lifted behind the door.

the door creaked open heavily on its hinges, revealing a short man in a black cloak. he held a candle in one hand and peered out into the full darkness . john and jane hill could see he was bent over as if he was carrying a heavu wirght, and on his back there was a hump that explained his painful shuffling gait

yes? the man asked, looking at the hills with ssuspicious eyes

TO BE CONTINUED


"I cannot understand the popularity of that kind of music, which is based on repetition. In a civilized society, things don't need to be said more than three times."

Bad Penny II

Take my advice, don't listen to me.

billy rubin

john hill said to the hunnchbacked man

we were driving up your valley and had a flat tire. do you have a telephone we can use to call for help

no telephone here. go away.

but its getting dark. is there anyway to contact anybody?

just then a deep rich voice called out from the shadows

igor! there is no need to be inhospitable. perhaps there is something we can do for our guests.

a tall pale man stepped into the light. his face was white as death itself, and he wor a high collared white shirt, and was wrapped in a dark black cape.

i am count bela gossi, the tall man said. and you are . . . ?

john an d jane hill. we were travelling . . .

yes, yes, i know. you are far from town up here. you must stay the night.

oh no said jane hill, we couldn't put you to that trouble

no, i must insist. igor, prepare a supper for our guests. i suggest the very best mushrooms. i shall join them in the dining room.

yes master, said igor and lurched off into the shadws.

now, mr and mrs hill, what brings you to my litle cornier of the woprld? we seldom see people from outside our valley, and guests approach my humble dwelling even less often. they appear to be somewhat, aha . . . reluctant . . .

we, said john hill, we were travelling on vacation and thought that thios was apossibly beautiful palce to explore.

yes yes, mr hil said count bela gossi. there is a great deal of history here. allow me to off you a tour of my family home . .

and so after a genial tour of the old castle, the hills and the count sat down to a dinner of mushrooms, attended by igor

let me tell you about the mushrooms of this valley, said the count

there are several types, but one variety is edible. all the others are deadly poisonous and cause immediate and inevitable death. they look the same to me, but luckily igor here has many years of experience in selecting the correct ones on his many trips to the forest. igor, tell the hills about ou r lovely mushrooms

igor looked up and began to speak

TO BE CONTINUED


"I cannot understand the popularity of that kind of music, which is based on repetition. In a civilized society, things don't need to be said more than three times."

billy rubin



"I cannot understand the popularity of that kind of music, which is based on repetition. In a civilized society, things don't need to be said more than three times."

Magdalena


"I've had several "spiritual" or numinous experiences over the years, but never felt that they were the product of anything but the workings of my own mind in reaction to the universe." ~Recusant

billy rubin

yes you will says the count

okay

so igor says

these masurooms are historically the famous regional dish of our little valley in transylvania. it is very important to distinguish the good mushrooms from the poisonous mushrooms.

whci are these asked jane hill

these are the good ones said igor

youre sure? said john hill

yes said igor

yes said the count

so john and jane tucked into the mushrooms

while igor and the count looked on dotingly

prsently they pitched ofrward and lay still, face down in their plates

igor, said count bela gossi

yes master?

these are the wrong mushrooms again

i tried very hard, master. i am exceedingly sorry. whatever can we do?

hurry them down to the laboratory. perhas theres time

so the dragged john and jane hill to a large wooden door, and thence down a long series of steps to a vast room with a high ceiling contain a huge skylight open to the night sky

put them on the tables, igor, said the count. and then attach the kites

THE KITES, MASTER, THE KITES!

they hooked up the kites and sailed them off into the night sky into the electrical storm

the thunder crashed and boomed and the lightning struck the kites, once, twice, three times!

igor and count bela gossi looked on at jonh and jane hill, who twitcherd with every strike but otherwise did not move.

another failure, igor. perhaps you have outlived your usefulness to me this time.

no master, please! cried igor.

i shall retire to the tower, said count bela. there i shall play my organ and think about your fate

igor was despondent. after a minute, the soound of melancholy music drifted down the steps from the high tower

TO BE CONTINUED



"I cannot understand the popularity of that kind of music, which is based on repetition. In a civilized society, things don't need to be said more than three times."

Ecurb Noselrub

Billy, are you setting up a joke or just blowing smoke up our asses?

billy rubin

its a really boring joke

i can only tell it in parts

i promise ill finish it up here in one go


"I cannot understand the popularity of that kind of music, which is based on repetition. In a civilized society, things don't need to be said more than three times."

billy rubin

NOW ALL HAS BEEN HEARD; HERE IS THE CONCLUSION OF THE MATTER

igor listened to the sad sound of the organ

and he wondered at the price he woud soon pay for his failure

he pulled up a stool, gazed the imert jonghn and jane hill, and sadly contemplated his sorry future.

after a moment he suddenly jerked to attention

the hills were stirring!!!!

he looked closely as the music wafted across the laboratory

john hill's foot was twitching, then his legs, then his whole body

. . . . and jane hill was wiggling her fingertips

as the music rose to a crescendo, higher and hight, the hills begane to wiggle and to struggle against their restarints

suddenly john hill's eyes jerked wide open, and he turned his head to igor

and jane hills eyes op[ened as well, and she also looked deeply into igors eyes

what the fuck is going on, they both asked, in unison /

igor leapt to his feet in joy

hurtling his decrepit body to the foot of the steps as fast as he could, he then paused, directed his voice up the stone steps to the tower romm, and shouted, as if his whole future was at stake . . .

master! master! he cried . . .


"I cannot understand the popularity of that kind of music, which is based on repetition. In a civilized society, things don't need to be said more than three times."

billy rubin



"I cannot understand the popularity of that kind of music, which is based on repetition. In a civilized society, things don't need to be said more than three times."

billy rubin



"I cannot understand the popularity of that kind of music, which is based on repetition. In a civilized society, things don't need to be said more than three times."