Comfort for the Dying Atheist

[Dobermonster]

Had this thought just now: If I was dying and alone in a hospital, and wanted to talk to someone for comfort or just to have someone there, who would I ask for? The 'normal' thing would be to ask for a priest or pastor, but really, well, I don't need to go on about how horrible that would be. Maybe some would say, "Why are you afraid? You won't know you're dead when you're dead." Some might be at peace with that and have no fear, but I somehow doubt that could be said for all or even most.

When I was working in long term care, and someone was actively dying, there was a volunteer organization (Candlelight Vigil something) we could call to ensure that that person would not be alone in their final moments (I myself spent many hours at bedsides in this manner). Of course, in this sort of situation, the person would be at most barely aware of the presence of other people. And if I called such a volunteer for myself, who's to say that a theistic volunteer wouldn't show up and offer the sort of condolences I would find void of meaning, or even depressing? And if I asked for an atheist volunteer, would they have the philosophical grounding I desired to provide meaningful conversation and comfort?

[Tank]

This is a very good question. I did consider become a hospice volunteer but felt I'd get too involved.

In your experience what do people need in their last moments/

[Sandra Craft]

Had this thought just now: If I was dying and alone in a hospital, and wanted to talk to someone for comfort or just to have someone there, who would I ask for? The 'normal' thing would be to ask for a priest or pastor, but really, well, I don't need to go on about how horrible that would be. Maybe some would say, "Why are you afraid? You won't know you're dead when you're dead." Some might be at peace with that and have no fear, but I somehow doubt that could be said for all or even most.

I find that completely uncomforting and beside the point.  The point is that you're unhappy now about having to leave the party, perhaps before you're ready to go.  And of course being told about an imaginary world after death is equally uncomforting when you don't believe in such things.  It seems not much is left but to have someone hold your hand and make comfortaing noises while you cry or complain about dying, or make comforting small talk about this and that.  That's what I hope for if I die with enough presence of mind to take it in -- someone who'll tell me what a beautiful day it is, or about a cheerful article in the newspaper, or their kid's piano recital.  Since I'm going to be deprived of all these things soon, I'd want to enjoy them one last time however I could.

When I was working in long term care, and someone was actively dying, there was a volunteer organization (Candlelight Vigil something) we could call to ensure that that person would not be alone in their final moments (I myself spent many hours at bedsides in this manner). Of course, in this sort of situation, the person would be at most barely aware of the presence of other people. And if I called such a volunteer for myself, who's to say that a theistic volunteer wouldn't show up and offer the sort of condolences I would find void of meaning, or even depressing? And if I asked for an atheist volunteer, would they have the philosophical grounding I desired to provide meaningful conversation and comfort?

I'd hope you could specify what sort of condolances you were looking for ("no god stuff", for instance).  What would you consider meaningful conversation and comfort before death for an atheist?  Mine could be easily provided for by anyone, theist or atheist, unless that person had an objection to atheists and either didn't think we deserved comfort or couldn't resist last minute preaching.

[Amicale]

If I were dying, and 'with it' enough to be aware that was the case, I believe I'd request favourite photos, music, and any friends and family around me just to come 'hang out' so we could chat, and say whatever we needed to say. If it was a situation where I was away from loved ones/something sudden and they just couldn't be there, I think I'd probably prefer someone sitting there who'd just be willing to hold my hand and laugh with me. I'd ask them for funny stories from their life, and if I could, share some of mine. I might be with strangers, but when it comes down to it, I can think of worse ways to go out than with a smile on my face.

That's actually how an elderly lady died who we knew. My mom worked in nursing at the time, and this woman was very sweet, very funny. Her family lived across the country. She took a downhill turn suddenly, so fast that her kids wouldn't have been able to make it there on time... so the nurses just made sure that a) she was never alone b) she had pictures of her family all around her c) she spent as much time humanly possible on the phone with them and finally, d) she was surrounded by happy, positive people who had come to love her. The day actually went fine, as fine as deaths can go. She died with 3 of her favourite nurses in her room, while they told her stories about their children and pets, and she smiled along before passing away.

[Whitney]

If you were in that situation and there were a humanist celebrant in town you could request one. 

[fester30]

The optimal death for me would be from driving into a tornado at the age of 90.  However, if faced with the situation where I was in a hospital or something and about to die, I wouldn't have to worry about being alone.  My wife has promised under penalty of death that she would outlive me, so I'm good.  She knows if she dies before me, I'll kill her, and I know she doesn't want that.

[BullyforBronto]

I always thought music would provide a comforting exit. Though, I sometimes have flashes of myself expiring in a car wreck in mid station search with the dial stopped on some crappy country station.

[Dobermonster]

This is a very good question. I did consider become a hospice volunteer but felt I'd get too involved.

In your experience what do people need in their last moments/

My experience is limited to the very old, and often demented. Active dying in these cases is usually brought on by complete organ failure (e.g. CHF or renal failure), or infection. Consciousness degrades as the illness progresses - lucidity becomes more unstable and increasingly brief. Physical comfort is provided by subcutaneous or intravenous fluids, to thin mucous and make breathing easier and less painful; narcotics; repositioning if necessary (but to be avoided if the person appears comfortable). Emotional comfort I could provide by physical touch (e.g. holding their hand, rubbing their back), singing or reading, playing soft music, conversation about their lives (if lucid), and yes, prayer (if they were religious). There were many times when I would pray with, or offer prayer, to someone I knew found comfort in this act - one benefit of growing up in a religious household was knowing how, and what words to say. Most of the time, I felt woefully inadequate and inexperienced to provide anything more than what I mentioned - perhaps due to lack of life experience.

To summarize as briefly as I can, I'm aware that there are many things which may bring a dying person comfort - reflection on past achievements and memories, expressions of love from family and friends, humor, simple conversation, meditation, and philosophical reflection. Every individual puts a different emotional value on each of these things, so there is no one combination that suits everyone. What we can say differs most markedly between a dying atheist and a dying theist is the philosophical position from which we view death. If I know my time is short, I may still have unanswered questions or unalleviated fears that I wish to discuss with someone who shares my base philosophical position. Whether or not any conclusion comes to them, I fear being alone and emotionally isolated with these thoughts.

One of Stephen Hawking's colleagues (not sure which one) said that if he ever found himself ill with terminal disease, and knew his end was near, the way he would like to go would be to travel to the event horizon of a black hole. In theory, as you were falling in, you would in an instant see through all of time - past and future. Of course it would probably happen much too fast to register in the mind, but I found this thought particularly poetic.

[Sandra Craft]

What we can say differs most markedly between a dying atheist and a dying theist is the philosophical position from which we view death. If I know my time is short, I may still have unanswered questions or unalleviated fears that I wish to discuss with someone who shares my base philosophical position. Whether or not any conclusion comes to them, I fear being alone and emotionally isolated with these thoughts.

I can understand that, but somehow I don't think I'll care about any of it once the moment comes.  I see philosophical questions as being for when you have time and leisure, when my time is rolling up I think it'll only be the basic things that matter.

[Dobermonster]

What we can say differs most markedly between a dying atheist and a dying theist is the philosophical position from which we view death. If I know my time is short, I may still have unanswered questions or unalleviated fears that I wish to discuss with someone who shares my base philosophical position. Whether or not any conclusion comes to them, I fear being alone and emotionally isolated with these thoughts.

I can understand that, but somehow I don't think I'll care about any of it once the moment comes.  I see philosophical questions as being for when you have time and leisure, when my time is rolling up I think it'll only be the basic things that matter.

But what if your clock starts running out faster than you expected? I would hope to have my philosophical uncertainties pretty well resolved towards the end of my natural life too, but what if I was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer tomorrow and realize my existence may be counted in only weeks or months, not decades?

[Amicale]

What we can say differs most markedly between a dying atheist and a dying theist is the philosophical position from which we view death. If I know my time is short, I may still have unanswered questions or unalleviated fears that I wish to discuss with someone who shares my base philosophical position. Whether or not any conclusion comes to them, I fear being alone and emotionally isolated with these thoughts.

I can understand that, but somehow I don't think I'll care about any of it once the moment comes.  I see philosophical questions as being for when you have time and leisure, when my time is rolling up I think it'll only be the basic things that matter.

But what if your clock starts running out faster than you expected? I would hope to have my philosophical uncertainties pretty well resolved towards the end of my natural life too, but what if I was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer tomorrow and realize my existence may be counted in only weeks or months, not decades?

Hmmm... BooksCatsEtc, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you're talking about 'time rolling up' to maybe mean the last couple days or hours, in which case only basic things may matter. Dobermonster, in the situation you're talking about, if you have weeks or months, I guess you can still say you have some time to sort things out.

[Melmoth]

We're born on our deathbeds. Forty years or forty minutes is just details. I'm comfortable enough here without the empty promises of religion.

Having said that, I wouldn't mind a bit of sexual deviance, a platter of experiences both beautiful, mundane and monstrous, fine music and a few good laughs before I go. Might as well play with life a little, since I've got it to hand.

But what if your clock starts running out faster than you expected? I would hope to have my philosophical uncertainties pretty well resolved towards the end of my natural life too, but what if I was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer tomorrow and realize my existence may be counted in only weeks or months, not decades?

I've settled on the idea that I'll never resolve enough philosophical uncertainties to make me content about dying.

We want death to be like the full stop at the end of a sentence, neatly containing everything that comes before it in some overall meaning or form. We want it to crystallise our lives into a whole. That's why the immanence of death is always terrifying, I think. When it's right on our doorstep we realise that it contains no such resolution - it's more of a weak and empty...

I think if you can somehow come to terms with the meaninglessness of life, accept that nothing is ever resolved or fulfilled in the way that we try to tell ourselves it is when we read stories, or compartmentalise history, or talk about our day, death becomes a bit less frightening.

[Amicale]

I think if you can somehow come to terms with the meaninglessness of life, accept that nothing is ever resolved or fulfilled in the way that we try to tell ourselves it is when we read stories, or compartmentalise history, or talk about our day, death becomes a bit less frightening.

I just want to ask you what you mean when you say life is meaningless. Don't we basically create our own meaning, and give things and people in it value, even if it or they are just of value to us? Don't get me wrong, I understand that things don't get resolved or fulfilled most of the time, and when most of us die, there will be plenty of 'loose ends' we never got answers for. But I'm not sure that takes away the meaning in our lives. Unless you're not talking about individual lives, but life itself in general due to there being no 'ultimate' (aka supernatural) purpose?

[Melmoth]

I think if you can somehow come to terms with the meaninglessness of life, accept that nothing is ever resolved or fulfilled in the way that we try to tell ourselves it is when we read stories, or compartmentalise history, or talk about our day, death becomes a bit less frightening.

I just want to ask you what you mean when you say life is meaningless. Don't we basically create our own meaning, and give things and people in it value, even if it or they are just of value to us? Don't get me wrong, I understand that things don't get resolved or fulfilled most of the time, and when most of us die, there will be plenty of 'loose ends' we never got answers for. But I'm not sure that takes away the meaning in our lives. Unless you're not talking about individual lives, but life itself in general due to there being no 'ultimate' (aka supernatural) purpose?

I wouldn't say an ultimate meaning would have to be 'supernatural' necessarily. An ultimate meaning could be as contrived, man-made and arbitrary as all the other, mini-meanings we superimpose onto our surroundings.

My point was that thinking about death makes us want to consider life as a whole, in its entirety. So it, the whole of it, becomes the loose end that we want to tie up. There's a tendency to look for a total, sum, single meaning of all our experience combined. Lacking that, death is unsatisfying. Now, as to man made meaning, maybe people will look back on my life in the future and cherry-pick bits here and there to put me in a box of some kind - remember me as the person who invented self-replenishing hand soap or something - but I lack the capacity to do that for myself. Life's just too big.

[Amicale]

I think if you can somehow come to terms with the meaninglessness of life, accept that nothing is ever resolved or fulfilled in the way that we try to tell ourselves it is when we read stories, or compartmentalise history, or talk about our day, death becomes a bit less frightening.

I just want to ask you what you mean when you say life is meaningless. Don't we basically create our own meaning, and give things and people in it value, even if it or they are just of value to us? Don't get me wrong, I understand that things don't get resolved or fulfilled most of the time, and when most of us die, there will be plenty of 'loose ends' we never got answers for. But I'm not sure that takes away the meaning in our lives. Unless you're not talking about individual lives, but life itself in general due to there being no 'ultimate' (aka supernatural) purpose?

I wouldn't say an ultimate meaning would have to be 'supernatural' necessarily. An ultimate meaning could be as contrived, man-made and arbitrary as all the other, mini-meanings we superimpose onto our surroundings.

My point was that thinking about death makes us want to consider life as a whole, in its entirety. So it, the whole of it, becomes the loose end that we want to tie up. There's a tendency to look for a total, sum, single meaning of all our experience combined. Lacking that, death is unsatisfying. Now, as to man made meaning, maybe people will look back on my life in the future and cherry-pick bits here and there to put me in a box of some kind - remember me as the person who invented self-replenishing hand soap or something - but I lack the capacity to do that for myself. Life's just too big.

Eh, OK. Thanks for explaining, and I do understand what you meant.

When I think of my life as a whole up to this point though, I can honestly say that if I get suddenly hit by a bus tomorrow and had about 30 seconds to reflect on life before dying, the total sum, single meaning of my life would be that I've tried to be a decent person towards others, and I'm raising a daughter who I love more than I'll ever love anyone -- she's my pride and joy, and being her mama is the greatest privilege I'll ever have. So, for me, although it's arbitrary (which as you pointed out could work!) it's good enough.