The Atheist/Xian Guides to One Another

[MadBomr101]

THE CHRISTIAN GUIDE TO A DAY IN THE LIFE OF AN ATHEIST

* Wake up - blaspheme god.

* Shower - making sure to blaspheme god while cleaning all your bits.

* Eat breakfast - blaspheming god but not with your mouth full

* Drive to work - blame god for the traffic - blaspheme

ARRIVE AT WORK

* Get coffee - take god's name in vain because they no longer provide that Swisse Mocha flavored blend you love so much.

* Return to your desk and pull out the Penske file - swear at god for not magically completing this work for you.  

* Work for 20 mins then take a break to blaspheme the virgin Mary for having given birth to Jesus who was really god in disguise - additional blasphemies

* Go to client meeting to land big account - client passes on your company - blaspheme the client - make fun of his gay tie

* Lunch time - the wife packed leftover meatloaf - you hate leftover meatloaf - blaspheme wife - hurl profanities at god

* Meeting with the Boss - he warns you your work is slipping - urinate on his shoe - blaspheme god - leftover meatloaf

* Return to desk to a new stack of work - blaspheme god - threaten to squeeze his holy nuts if he doesn't back off

* Take another break to blaspheme god but just a little...you're getting tired

* Finish work and head home - stop on way out to take picture of Jesus off your co-worker's desk and rub it against your ass

HOME

* Park car - kick dog - slam door - scream for dinner - tuna casserole, yuck! - blaspheme god

* Watch TV - The Trinity Broadcasting Network just to make fun of Xians praising god - blaspheme god

* Time with children - tell them they were a mistake - a momentary loss of self-control - drink their tears

* Send children to bed - refuse to read them a story - find dog hiding under couch - kick - blaspheme

* Angry sex with wife - finish too soon - disregard wife's protests - download porn - touch thyself in an impure manner

* Go to bed - dream of a world without Jesus - Satan kisses you goodnight

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THE ATHEIST GUIDE TO A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A CHRISTIAN

* Wake up - Praise the LORD

* Shower - making sure to Praise the LORD while cleaning all your bits except the sinful ones.  God doesn't want us to touch those

* Eat breakfast - Praise the LORD even if your mouth is full

* Drive to work - decide to use the extra time in traffic to pray for less traffic

ARRIVE AT WORK

* Get coffee - Praise the LORD because they brought back that Swisse Mocha flavored blend you love so much.

* Return to your desk and pull out the Penske file - Praise the LORD that he has blessed you with a job - Random praisings  

* Work for 2 hours then take a break to Praise the LORD for having died for Man's sins - speak in tongues

* Go to client meeting to land big account - client passes on your company - it's all part of god's perfect plan - Praise the LORD

* Lunch time - the wife packed leftover meatloaf - you love leftover meatloaf - praise wife - Praise the LORD for His blessing of meatloaf

* Meeting with the Boss - he warns you your work is slipping because you spend so much time praising the Lord - pray for his soul - Praise the LORD - leftover meatloaf

* Return to desk to a new stack of work - Praise the LORD for His blessing of job security - additional praisings

* Take another break to Praise the LORD even more...you never get tired of this

* Finish work and head home - stop on way out to take picture of Darwin off your co-worker's desk and rub it against your ass

HOME

* Park car - pet dog - close door - greet wife and ask what's for dinner - tuna casserole, yum! - Praise the LORD for his blessing of an inexpensive but nutricious and delicious meal - Praise the LORD again

* Watch TV - The Trinity Broadcasting Network - Praise the LORD

* Time with children - tell them they are a joy - a gift from Heaven - join hands to sing Kumbaya together

* Tuck children into bed - read them Bible stories to send them off to sleep - find dog sleeping under couch - pet - Praise the LORD

* Christian sex with wife - finish too soon - it's part of God's perfect plan - wife understands - join hands in prayer thanking the LORD for His blessing of pure and loving Christian sex

* Go to bed - dream of a world without atheists - Jesus kisses you goodnight

[MinnesotaMike]

This can't be right... I thought us godless heathens eat or abort all of our babies. How could we have children?

[Gawen]

Cute and funny, MB. But here's a Christians guide one one day in the life of Gawen

THE CHRISTIAN GUIDE TO A DAY IN THE LIFE OF GAWEN (in blue)

* Wake up - blaspheme god.
* Wake up at 6am. Dress, fire up puter and make tea.

* Shower - making sure to blaspheme god while cleaning all your bits.
* I shower at night and never have morning showers. All they do is make me want to go back to bed. Anyway, check emails and HAF.

* Eat breakfast - blaspheming god but not with your mouth full
* I don't eat breakfast until a couple hours or so after I wake up - by then I'm already at work. But I do make my lunch, make coffee and walk about outside with the dogs and read and watch the news.

* Drive to work - blame god for the traffic - blaspheme
* Fire up motorcycle. Drive 2 miles to work. Curse any driver who cuts me off or sits at the green lights while texting.

ARRIVE AT WORK

* Get coffee - take god's name in vain because they no longer provide that Swisse Mocha flavored blend you love so much.
* get to work. By this time my tea is gone so I fetch one of my thermos's and pour coffee. I make 2 thermo's (enough to hold one 12 cup pot) of coffee before I leave for work.

* Return to your desk and pull out the Penske file - swear at god for not magically completing this work for you.
* While at work - One or more of the following - Inspect sewer pipes, inspect manholes, pull out broken submersible pump and motor in a 30,000 gallon sewer wet well and install rebuilt pump. Swear at things that don't work right at all or affect me personally in the form of, God dammit, Sonovabitch, Pieceashit, F*ckin' pieceashit, etc. Otherwise, minor mishaps and surprises are relegated to utterings of Holy Crap!, Shit!, Damn!, You gotta be f*ckin' kidding me!, what a hunka shit! Report sewer infrastructure problems to Supervisor so other workers can fix them.

*Talk RC airplanes or firearms and sometimes religion (other than current events and never politics) with a select few of co-workers when I'm able. Talk work related subjects only when necessary. Watch women joggers or women passersby when applicable. Gossip about stupid co-worker when he does stupid things (nearly every day). Then make fun of him to his face.

* Finish work and head home - stop on way out to take picture of Jesus off your co-worker's desk and rub it against your ass
* Curse at the SUV (that cut me off) with the Jesus fish on the backside and driven by almost always a woman texting or talking on the phone. If I am truly vexed, I will chase them down.

HOME
Everything is usually right at the Home World. Work mode is off. I make supper, she washes the dishes. recap the days events with wife when necessary. I have the computer for the rest of the night. Go to bed at 9pm or so and read for an hour or more.

Sex?...*laffin*

Total Blaspheme usage is perhaps 1-6 times per day. But I don't feel bad because half of my Christian co-workers do it as well.

[Ali]

Sex?...*laffin*

This made me chuckle.  I've been married for almost 7 years now, so I feel you.

[Tank]

Sex?...*laffin*

This made me chuckle.  I've been married for almost 7 years now, so I feel for you.

Or was it a Freudian slip?

[Gawen]

I liked her version better...*poutin*

[Ali]

LOL Pervs.  "I feel you" is an expression that means "I know what you mean.  I can empathize."  Although it might have also been slightly Freudian that I picked that particular phrase....

[MadBomr101]

This can't be right... I thought us godless heathens eat or abort all of our babies. How could we have children?

Oh, you know how it is, a few of them are bound to slip through the cracks.  We'll kill them eventually.