Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Icarus]

^^ A distinct possibility. Trump will do anything to demean Biden.

[Vocaloldfart]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star."
Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials .
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE
 TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for £50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him £50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth
 name, I refused.
You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian .. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right.
 I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke!🤣

[Tank]

Moved to jokes thread

[Vocaloldfart]

Nothing as good as Aussie Bush Poetry!

There was trouble at the station, for the word had got around,
That the Kitchen maid was pregnant and the culprit must be found.
Was it Harrison or Clancy, or perhaps the Chinese cook,
Whose defence I give verbatim: "Me do nothing, me just look!"

Early betting was on Harrison, although his hair was white,
For the country folk will tell you, that a grizzled dog can bite.
And Clancy of the Overflow, came in for mention too,
As the speculation mounted, and the accusations flew.

Till the Boss's wife grew angry, and at last was moved to state,
There's a resolution coming, I'd advise you all to wait.
When the maid's child is delivered - and the day is surely nigh,
Then the issue will be settled, and we'll see just who he's by!
 
We will study frame and visage, and we'll know without a doubt,
Whether station sire or stranger, for the truth will surely out.
We are practiced in such matters, whether human, dog, or horse,
So just cease these allegations and let nature take its course.

And take its course, it surely did, the maid confined to bed,
Produced a healthy baby boy, just as the Missus said,
And close perusal of the lad, the strangest thing revealed,
His sire was never in the call - the roughie of the field!
 
The steel-blue eyes, the sandy hair, the legs already bent,
The rattle flourished like a whip, the clearest message sent.
And Clancy of the overflow, these features pointed out,
Till all agreed the culprit was, that bloody roustabout!
 
He came from mountain country, up by Kosciusko's side,
A skinny sawn-off little sod, one clearly born to ride.
In fact, he rode before he walked, he knew no other trade,
And so it was, this Snowy lad, had saddled up the maid!
 
And round the campfire every night, the ringers wondered why,
This Snowy River specimen, had caught the maiden's eye,
And jubilation and regret, in equal measure weighed,
With those who'd tried and failed to win, the little Kitchen maid.

(with apologies to Banjo Paterson)

[Vocaloldfart]

More Aussie Humour

Said Hanrahan
"We'll all be rooned," said Hanrahan,
In accents most forlorn,
Outside the church, ere Mass began,
One frosty Sunday morn.

The congregation stood about,
Coat-collars to the ears,
And talked of stock, and crops, and drought,
As it had done for years.

"It's looking crook," said Daniel Croke;
"Bedad, it's cruke, me lad,
For never since the banks went broke
Has seasons been so bad."

"It's dry, all right," said young O'Neil,
With which astute remark
He squatted down upon his heel
And chewed a piece of bark.

And so around the chorus ran
"It's keepin' dry, no doubt."
"We'll all be rooned," said Hanrahan,
"Before the year is out."

"The crops are done; ye'll have your work
To save one bag of grain;
From here way out to Back-o'-Bourke
They're singin' out for rain.

"They're singin' out for rain," he said,
"And all the tanks are dry."
The congregation scratched its head,
And gazed around the sky.

"There won't be grass, in any case,
Enough to feed an ass;
There's not a blade on Casey's place
As I came down to Mass."

"If rain don't come this month," said Dan,
And cleared his throat to speak —
"We'll all be rooned," said Hanrahan,
"If rain don't come this week."

A heavy silence seemed to steal
On all at this remark;
And each man squatted on his heel,
And chewed a piece of bark.

"We want an inch of rain, we do,"
O'Neil observed at last;
But Croke "maintained" we wanted two
To put the danger past.

"If we don't get three inches, man,
Or four to break this drought,
We'll all be rooned," said Hanrahan,
"Before the year is out."

In God's good time down came the rain;
And all the afternoon
On iron roof and window-pane
It drummed a homely tune.

And through the night it pattered still,
And lightsome, gladsome elves
On dripping spout and window-sill
Kept talking to themselves.

It pelted, pelted all day long,
A-singing at its work,
Till every heart took up the song
Way out to Back-o'-Bourke.

And every creek a banker ran,
And dams filled overtop;
"We'll all be rooned," said Hanrahan,
"If this rain doesn't stop."

And stop it did, in God's good time;
And spring came in to fold
A mantle o'er the hills sublime
Of green and pink and gold.

And days went by on dancing feet,
With harvest-hopes immense,
And laughing eyes beheld the wheat
Nid-nodding o'er the fence.

And, oh, the smiles on every face,
As happy lad and lass
Through grass knee-deep on Casey's place
Went riding down to Mass.

While round the church in clothes genteel
Discoursed the men of mark,
And each man squatted on his heel,
And chewed his piece of bark.

"There'll be bush-fires for sure, me man,
There will, without a doubt;
We'll all be rooned," said Hanrahan,
"Before the year is out."


Published in:
John O'Brien. Around the Boree Log and Other Verses, Angus & Robertson, Sydney, 1921

[Dark Lightning]

TL;DR. Was there a joke in there?

[Recusant]

Though not a joke per se, I liked it.   

Reminds me of something I read the other day:

"NSW is copping rain and flooding while parts of Australia are in drought. What's going on?" |  The Conversation

[Vocaloldfart]

Though not a joke per se, I liked it.   

Reminds me of something I read the other day:

"NSW is copping rain and flooding while parts of Australia are in drought. What's going on?" |  The Conversation

Though not a joke per se, I liked it.   

Reminds me of something I read the other day:

"NSW is copping rain and flooding while parts of Australia are in drought. What's going on?" |  The Conversation

Inland Queensland was in drought until last month, then it became an inland sea.The flood waters have receded, on it's way to Lake Eyre in the middle of Australia.leaving billions of dollars in damages. Fences, Stock, Wildlife and whole towns destroyed.
America is suffering from deadly twisters, Canada from fires. What it means, if their is any meaning, I fail to speculate upon.

Re Said Hanarahan it was written by a catslick priests' satirical look at 1900 century farming community life.

[Vocaloldfart]

Trump is held hostage by a terrorist.
A  truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway.
He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers.
As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"
Policeman: "A terrorist is holding Trump hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 million Dollars, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire.

So we're asking drivers for donations."

Driver: "Oh, OK. How much do people donate on average."
Policeman: "About a gallon."

[Icarus]

https://imgur.com/gallery/funny-Qon5MDK

[Vocaloldfart]

[The Magic Pudding..]

[Recusant]

 

Mama, the fun had just begun
But now I've gone and thrown it all away
Mama, rooo--ow, don't care if it makes you cry
You'll find another there this time tomorrow
Carry it away, carry it away, fresh linen may just be in order