Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Lee]

OK, I won't, but obviously you are implying that there is such a thing!

No, no there wasn't but still.... ewwww. lol

[Lee]

Today's Ordering Adventure... SNL Live...

Guy At Arby's: May I take your order?
Me: French Dip & Swiss
GAA: What?
Me: French Dip with Swiss
GAA: With sweet?
Me: Swiss Cheese
GAA: Sweet Tea?
Me: SWISS CHEEEEESE!!!
GAA: Oh... well it already comes with that.
Me: *sigh*
GAA: What?


lmao....

[Tank]

[Icarus]

^ good un. 

[Tank]

[OldGit]

A woman makes an appointment with her doctor. She goes to the doctor's office and during the examination she says, "Doctor, I've got a problem that I am deeply concerned about. I keep farting all the time, they don't smell or make a sound but I am constantly farting all the time, in fact I've farted 15 times since you've stepped in the room to exam me, I'm very worried that there is something wrong with me."  The doctor writes her a prescription and says,

"Take 2 of these a day and see me in a week"

The woman comes back in a week and says,

"These pills aren't helping, in fact I'm even worse, I'm still farting all the time, they still don't make any noise, but now they smell horrible"

The doctor says "good, we've cleared up your sinuses, now let's work on your hearing."

[Essie Mae]

Very funny OG.

I read this on Facebook this morining, not sure this is the right thread but here goes -

An opinion without 3.14 is just an onion.

[Tank]

[Essie Mae]

Ha ha. Love play-on-words jokes.

[OldGit]

 
An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into
the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns
around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he
asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts,
"Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him
back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies,
"No, I haven't found Jesus!" The preacher, shocked at the answer,
dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the
water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?" The drunk answers,
"No, I haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk
again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water,
catches his breath, and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[Lee]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next sunday he took the monsignor's advice. at the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

- sip the vodka, don't gulp

- there are 10 commandments, not 12

- there are 12 disciples, not 10

- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated

- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not beat his ass

- we do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook

- when Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say "eat me."

- the Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "mary with the cherry"

- the recommended grace before a meal is not: "rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God."

- next sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's

[Essie Mae]

I laughed out loud at that.

[Lee]

This is not really a joke but a very funny story.

https://www.distractify.com/mykafox-never-too-old-to-scream-fanny-1291630692.html?ts_pid=2&ts_pid=2

Little Old Lady Annihilates Subway Slut-Shamer

Remember kids, you're never too old to scream "vagina" in public.
  Myka Fox 
Like Distractify on Facebook

Pro-tip: in England "Fanny" means "Vagina."

[joeactor]

[Lee]

 

now he's a believer.