Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Tom62]

One that I heard was about a British lady, who asked how long it would take to walk from the cruise-ship to the city. At the reception she got the reply, "It will take about 40 minutes". She asked back "Are these American or European minutes?"

[Magdalena]

Number 15 is hilarious! 

[Tank]

[Magdalena]

Can you imagine Bert's face?

[Tank]

[OldGit]

Senior Driver

I was working in my front yard yesterday when I was startled by a car that veered off the roadway,  clipped the tree on the lawn and ended up in the bushes at the side of house.  Luckily it missed me by a couple of feet.
I rushed over to see if the driver was OK and discovered it was an elderly lady, who could hardly see over the dashboard.  I helped her out, and I sat her down on a lawn chair.
She seemed to be unhurt, just a bit shaken, but otherwise fine.  I said to her that she appeared to be rather old to be still driving a car.
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly.  "I'll be 97 next month."  I told her I was surprised that she still had a driver's license, and  she said she was now old enough that she didn't need one any more.
"You don't?" I asked.  I was amazed to hear that.
"No I don't," she said proudly.  "The last time I went to my doctor he examined my eyes and asked if I had a driver's license.  I told him yes and showed it to him.  He got a pair of scissors, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"

[Crow]

[Davin]

^ Psh... that's an easy one: Happy.

[Crow]

Davin. That's the joke.

[Firebird]

So my father presented this to me as a joke, but it turns out this may have actually happened. Anyway...

One year, at Duke, there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to Virginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UV for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about morality and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It said: (95 points) Which tire?

[Lee]

So my father presented this to me as a joke, but it turns out this may have actually happened. Anyway...

One year, at Duke, there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to Virginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UV for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about morality and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It said: (95 points) Which tire?

Hahahahahaha..... freaking awesome!

[Icarus]

Shrewd Professor 

[Larry]

Laughed out loud, I did.

[Claireliontamer]

[Essie Mae]

Dense I know, but I don't know what I am looking at here.