Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Guardian85]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!

She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that fucking wall!"

[Asmodean]

Don't get it. 

[Guardian85]

Don't get it. 

False causality.

[OldGit]

Don't get it. 

You've never been married.

[Asmodean]

You've never been married.

True. Likely never will be. I'm not the type.

False causality.

Ah! That makes sense. Because the husband appears to be uneducated, foolish or both, he thinks that bumping the casket caused his wife not to be buried like he wanted last time, yes?

[Biggus Dickus]

Newlyweds decide to spend their honeymoon at a posh golf resort. At one hole the husband makes a beautiful long drive, 250 yards, but the ball comes to rest next to a caretaker shed.
"Ah' crap" he says, "I'll have to take a drop here, the sheds in my way of my shot to the green"
But his new wife responds back to him, "Honey you don't have to do that, look there's doors on both ends of the shed, and it empty. We can open both doors and you can hit straight through to the green"!

"That's brillant", said the husband, "So glad I married you".

So they open the doors on both ends as the wife suggests, the husband lines up his shot, and he hits the ball, but it glances off the metal frame of the shed, bounces back with considerable force, strikes his new wife in the head and she drops dead.

Years have past and the husband has finally remarried, he and his new wife decide to spend their honeymoon at the same posh golf resort he had gone to before.
On the very same hole as before he hits another beautiful 250 yard drive, with his ball coming to rest right next to the same shed.

"Ah' crap" he says, "I'll have to take a drop here, the sheds in my way of my shot to the green"
But his new wife responds back to him, "Honey you don't have to do that, look there's doors on both ends of the shed, and it empty. We can open both doors and you can hit straight through to the green"!

"Nah", he say's, "I'll just the drop, the last time I tried that shot I took a double bogey"!

[Tom62]

^I don't get it.

[Davin]

^I don't get it.

I presume, he cared more for his golf score than he did for the wife he killed.

[Biggus Dickus]

^I don't get it.

I presume, he cared more for his golf score than he did for the wife he killed.

It means he kept playing the first time even after the first wife dropped dead.

[Eric V Arachnid]

^I don't get it.

I presume, he cared more for his golf score than he did for the wife he killed.

It means he kept playing the first time even after the first wife dropped dead.

The downside of attempting the through the shed shot last time was dropping two shots, not his wife.

[Tom62]

^I don't get it.

I presume, he cared more for his golf score than he did for the wife he killed.

It means he kept playing the first time even after the first wife dropped dead.

Thanks

[Biggus Dickus]

^I don't get it.

I presume, he cared more for his golf score than he did for the wife he killed.

It means he kept playing the first time even after the first wife dropped dead.

Thanks

New rule: No more golf jokes.

[Guardian85]

 


A man stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed, and it was driving his partner absolutely nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking you so long? Just hit the blasted ball."
The man answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it" his partner says, "you don't stand a chance of hitting her from here."

[Dobermonster]

[xSilverPhinx]

That girl makes me sort of angry, didn't she know that the rat (or is it a hamster?) would be thrown into the air like that? I hope it didn't get too hurt on its way down. Doesn't look like she caught it...