Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[OldGit]

^ LOL 

[Biggus Dickus]

↑ there are no white flags, it can't be French

Sacrebleu!

[Icarus]

We are prone to beat up on the French folk. For shame.
...



Not a french joke....................................Scandinavian probably.

The Minnesota Taxation Office suspected that a commercial fishing boat owner was not paying proper wages to his crew. . They sent an agent to investigate him.

MTO Auditor: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat owner: Well. there's Clarence, my deck hand, he's been with me for three years. I pay him $1000 a week plus free room and board. Then  there is the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours a day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 a week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally.

MTO Auditor: "that's the guy I want to talk to- the mentally challenged one.

Boat owner: That'll be me. What'd you want to know?

[Tank]

[Essie Mae]

The people of Pisa protested to the mayor when he decided to put a clock on top of the leaning tower.  The people thought it was out of place and asked him what he thought he was doing. He said, We've got the inclination, now we'll have the time.  Boo Boom (sorry!)

[Biggus Dickus]

The people of Pisa protested to the mayor when he decided to put a clock on top of the leaning tower.  The people thought it was out of place and asked him what he thought he was doing. He said, We've got the inclination, now we'll have the time.  Boo Boom (sorry!)

I didn't know the thing didn't have a clock on it already, sort of like your Big Ben. Interesting. Good Joke Essie

Speaking of clocks reminded me of this one.

Clocks in Heaven

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's George Washington's clock. The hands have moved once, telling us that the founding father only told one lie in his entire life, apparently he didn't cut down the cherry tree."

Pointing the man said, "What about that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[Essie Mae]

Very good. 

(I think there's a bell on top of Tower of Pisa, but don't remember a clock).

[Biggus Dickus]

John invited his mother over for dinner to meet his new roommate Julie.
During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only make her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact she started to wonder if there was more between John and roommate than met the eye. Reading his moms thoughts, John volunteered, "I know just what you are thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About one week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I have been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle....you don't suppose your mother took it, do you?

"John said "Well I doubt it, but I'll write her a email just to be sure." The email: Dear Mother, I am not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I am not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact of the matter is that since your visit it has been missing.
Love John

Sometime later John received an email response from his mother which read: Dear Son: I am not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'don't" sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love Mom

[Essie Mae]

 

[Icarus]

That's a good un Bruno. 

[Magdalena]

Good one Bruno. 

[Crow]

[Asmodean]

Yes. And people going to Oslo should prepare for yet another variety of aggressive begging - charity subscription salesmen. 

[Crow]

Yes. And people going to Oslo should prepare for yet another variety of aggressive begging - charity subscription salesmen. 

Ewww chuggers. Not seen one of them in a while.

[Pasta Chick]

Ha!  Autocorrect for subtitles would be amazing.