Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Icarus]

^^ Git you are one bad assed dude. I appreciate you for that as well as your ever apparent scholarship. On the other hand our female members may not be as appreciative of your bawdiness.    On the second other hand I think that they are all pretty damned good sports about our chauvinism.

Shout out for our cool ladies.

[Tank]

[Davin]

[Guardian85]

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?" Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

[joeactor]

... now *that's* something I didn't know about bananas! ;-)

[OldGit]

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.
He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request.

Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I have never been with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?"

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because arseholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex.  So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?"

[Niya]

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.
He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request.

Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I have never been with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?"

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because arseholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex.  So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?"

hahahaha

[Pasta Chick]

Well, I went looking for this...



But this is way better:

[Ihateyoumike]

You see, I've always heard it was a simple typo and was supposed to be Virginians.

[Sandra Craft]

A friend posted this on FB,

[Tank]

^^^ 

[Niya]

A friend posted this on FB,

That is rather sexist.

[Tank]

[Icarus]

Am I the last to discover a you tube series called; Somegreybloke?  British humor (humour), which is often hilarious.  If you have not found that one, then do give it a go.

[OldGit]

I'll look for that, Icarus.  Thanks.

ETA:  Wife comes home from the doctor's and is very flustered, very uptight. Husband asks "What's wrong?"
Wife says "I went to the doctor. He examined me and he said I had a nice va-jay-jay!"
"WHAT?" says the husband, and charges off to the doctor's. He bursts into the doctor's office, grabs him by the throat and forces him up against the wall. "WHAT DID YOU SAY TO MY WIFE?" he shouts.
"I gave her a diagnosis. I know she's not happy about it, but it's an accurate diagnosis. What's the problem?"
"YOU SAID SHE HAD A NICE VA-JAY-JAY!"
"No, I said she had Acute Angina".