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Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

Started by no_god_know_peace, November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

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Asmodean

Uh... What?  ??? Where do slaves fit in to what I'm talking about?

Even if they are doing what they do against their will, they should still be removed from all the nice streets.
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

Dobermonster

Quote from: Asmodean on April 16, 2013, 05:16:04 PM
Well, wouldn't that be something to look up to..?  :(

Here, we have crime-crime. People steal, rape, do a spot of murdering on occasion, pretty much everyone commits traffic offences on regular basis... Pretty sure it's the same in Canada as well. Except maybe for the imported hookers and drug dealers and those nasty-ass gypsy beggars, but I do not include them in the "people" cathegory.

Don't think we have many imported hookers. Ours appear to be all home-grown Canadian Grade A (or B or C or F) prostitutes. Other than that, sounds about right. We have a fair chunk of hippies, but there are plenty of hosers to mess up our peace-lovin' groove with their grubby violence.

Crow

Quote from: Asmodean on April 17, 2013, 02:23:44 AM
Uh... What?  ??? Where do slaves fit in to what I'm talking about?

Even if they are doing what they do against their will, they should still be removed from all the nice streets.

Your street hookers aren't likely to be illegal immigrants usually smack heads but the majority of the illegal immigrants that are prostitutes are usually sex slaves as  authorities are all over your street hookers.
Retired member.

Asmodean

Buying sex is the illegal thing, not selling. However, it is also illegal not to pay taxes, be in the country without legal permission and so on. And their methods of trying to get some customers are extremely annoying. They would be so even if those hookers were anywhere near attractive.
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

NoHandlebarsAttached

Jeff Foxworthy said this about Indiana:
**If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Indiana.
**If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't even work there, you may live in Indiana.
**If you've worn shorts and a jacket at the same time, you may live in Indiana.........
**If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Indiana.
**If "vacation" means going anywhere south of Fort Wayne for the weekend, you may live in Indiana.
**If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Indiana.
**If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Indiana.........
**If you have switched from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you may live in Indiana.........
**If you can drive 75 mph through two feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Indiana.
**If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both doors unlocked, you may live in Indiana.
**If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Indiana.
**If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Indiana.
**If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph, you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Indiana.
**If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Indiana.
**If you know all four seasons are: Almost winter, Winter, Still winter and Road Construction, you may live in Indiana.
**If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Indiana.
**If you find 10° "a little chilly", you may live in Indiana.

Tank

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Guardian85

Quote from: NoHandlebarsAttached on April 19, 2013, 05:00:14 AM
Jeff Foxworthy said this about Indiana:
**If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Indiana.
**If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't even work there, you may live in Indiana.
**If you've worn shorts and a jacket at the same time, you may live in Indiana.........
**If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Indiana.
**If "vacation" means going anywhere south of Fort Wayne for the weekend, you may live in Indiana.
**If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Indiana.
**If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Indiana.........
**If you have switched from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you may live in Indiana.........
**If you can drive 75 mph through two feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Indiana.
**If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both doors unlocked, you may live in Indiana.
**If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Indiana.
**If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Indiana.
**If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph, you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Indiana.
**If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Indiana.
**If you know all four seasons are: Almost winter, Winter, Still winter and Road Construction, you may live in Indiana.
**If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Indiana.
**If you find 10° "a little chilly", you may live in Indiana.

Indiana is apparently a lot like Norway in some cases.


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

Buddy

Strange but not a stranger<br /><br />I love my car more than I love most people.

Asmodean

Also, if we do 75 mph in described weather conditions, a policeman will come and... Well, scrape our brains off some random tree, really. Our roads have bends, you see. And at those speeds, no car-driver combo can do those well on regular winter rubbies.
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

NoHandlebarsAttached

Quote from: Asmodean on April 19, 2013, 05:23:54 PM
Also, if we do 75 mph in described weather conditions, a policeman will come and... Well, scrape our brains off some random tree, really. Our roads have bends, you see. And at those speeds, no car-driver combo can do those well on regular winter rubbies.
We don't need bends. We lack hills!

OldGit

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs Smith fainted.

joeactor


NoHandlebarsAttached


Quote from: OldGit on April 20, 2013, 06:14:30 PM
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs Smith fainted.
:D :D :D

Icarus

^^^ Me too. I nominate Old Git for the win. He's a dirty old man isn't he?  (grin)

OldGit

Thank you, folks.

Quote from: IcarusHe's a dirty old man isn't he?  (grin)

Compliments!  I love it.