Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[OldGit]

Stolen from The Daily Mash (again):

PRINCE William and Kate Middleton's new Sandringham home will have indoor hunting facilities.

A royal spokesman said: "The house contains a large forest full of traditional quarry such as stags, foxes and pheasants, as well as more exotic species like okapi for a bit of variety.

"Ducks, grouse and snipe will be tied to the ceiling of the master bedroom, allowing the couple to have a relaxing morning's shooting from the comfort of their own bed.

"The royal baby's bedroom will contain more modest prey, such as squirrels, which the baby will be able to pick off with an air pistol from its cot."

[Tank]

[OldGit]

^ Good one!

[Claireliontamer]

Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, 'Where have you been?'

God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'

'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth. 'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.'

God continued, pointing to the different countries.

This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, 'What's that?'

'Ah,' said God. That's the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.'

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, 'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'

God replied very wisely, 'Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South!

[Tank]

Ha! Just shows how much effort you put into finding jokes! That just got posted on facebook! 

[Claireliontamer]

Ha! Just shows how much effort you put into finding jokes! That just got posted on facebook! 

Because it's bloody brilliant!!!

[Guardian85]

The couple had been married for twenty years. It was a happy, wonderful marriage, except that the wife was very unfaithful. The husband finally got so tired of her unfaithfulness that he made her promise to never again be untrue to him. One day he came home and found her in bed with a midget. He cried out, "My wife, my love, after you made all those promises, I find you in bed with another man, and a midget at that!" She replied, "My dearest husband, the love of my life, do you not believe me, do you not see, do you not understand? I am tapering off."

[Tank]

[OldGit]

[Claireliontamer]

[OldGit]

^ Might well be true! 

[Guardian85]

Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The first mouse says, "You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat 'em like candy." The second mouse, not to be outdone says, "Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us? What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with it." The third mouse says, "You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I'd love to keep hangin' out with you here, but I gotta go fuck the cat."

[Asmodean]

Buying. 

[Tank]

[Asmodean]

Don't get this one. A fat knight on a fat horse poling a fat, steaming dragon. Yes? Everyone seems to be doing exactly what they should..?