Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

Started by no_god_know_peace, November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

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Asmodean

Quote from: NoHandlebarsAttached on March 16, 2013, 09:41:38 PM

Drug down a hole, eh? I may not know what fear is... Spelling, on the other hand... I do know a little about that.
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

Icarus

Livingston was tramping through the African jungle when he came upon a woman from an local tribe.  Livingston said to her; Ubangi?  She said; Ubetcha.

Tank

Quote from: Icarus on March 17, 2013, 04:42:07 AM
Livingston was tramping through the African jungle when he came upon a woman from an local tribe.  Livingston said to her; Ubangi?  She said; Ubetcha.

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

joeactor

Quote from: Icarus on March 17, 2013, 04:42:07 AM
Livingston was tramping through the African jungle when he came upon a woman from an local tribe.  Livingston said to her; Ubangi?  She said; Ubetcha.

"While I was in Africa, I played cards with the natives."
"Zulus?"
"No, I won!"

OldGit

"My wife's gone to the West Indies."
"Jamaica?"
"No, she went of her own free will."

joeactor

"I hear there's some great fishing up in Alaska."
"I've got an uncle who lives in Alaska, but I forget where."
"Nome?"
"Of course I know 'im!  He's my uncle!"

NoHandlebarsAttached


OldGit

"My wife's gone to the East Indies."
"Djakarta?"
"No, she went by boat."

OldGit


Claireliontamer

I REALLY hope these are true  ;D......


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)

__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________

Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________

Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from..
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Asmodean

Quote from: NoHandlebarsAttached on March 18, 2013, 02:55:54 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on March 16, 2013, 10:08:35 PM
I may not know what fear is...
Lies!
Well, obviously!  ::) How could The Asmo make instilling fear in general population as efficient as He has without knowing what it is?
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

Davin

Always question all authorities because the authority you don't question is the most dangerous... except me, never question me.

Icarus

Perhaps this should go in the science section as it involves chemistry. In deference to out main science contributor, Tank, I will post it here.

The Amazon forest has a very strange bird that the indiginous people call a Foo bird.  The bird has exotic plumage that was once coveted by the milliners of high society Europe. These creatures are usually found around the Amazon river basin. Something about their diet and internal bacterial components causes them to have a particularly caustic excrement. In fact it is dangerously caustic and has a chemical constituent that reacts violently in the presence of oxygen and/or hydrogen.

Explorers learned of this during the early 1900s. Here is what happens. The birds very often have diahrhea and are obliged to eliminate frequently. They are upset by human presence and they like to poop on human intruders. The serious problem is that you must not wash off the mess from the Foo birds doings. The chemical composition when exposed to water, which is composed of hydrogen and oxygen, causes lasting and excruciating pain and almost invariably leaves serious and permanent scars.
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In case any of you ever visit the rain forest be very wary of the bird. In the worst case scenario.......If the Foo shits wear it.
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Uh Oh!  With such a horrible clinker, I might be banned from the forum.  :-[



OldGit


Tank

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.