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Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

Started by no_god_know_peace, November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

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Icarus


OldGit


Siz


When one sleeps on the floor one need not worry about falling out of bed - Anton LaVey

The universe is a cold, uncaring void. The key to happiness isn't a search for meaning, it's to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually you'll be dead!

Tank

^^^ I'm not very good at cross word puzzles, but even I worked that one out (in the end).
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Asmodean

It's just one damned word repeating itself. And why did they provide the answer?  >:(
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

OldGit

^  I believe both weaknesses were intentional, O Grey One, in the interests of what is known as humour. ;D

Asmodean

Ah. Yes, well... The Asmo is displeased with it.  >:( Ruin nice crossword..!  >:(
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

Sweetdeath

Law 35- "You got to go with what works." - Robin Lefler

Wiggum:"You have that much faith in me, Homer?"
Homer:"No! Faith is what you have in things that don't exist. Your awesomeness is real."

"I was thinking that perhaps this thing called God does not exist. Because He cannot save any one of us. No matter how we pray, He doesn't mend our wounds.

Tank

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Tank

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

jumbojak


"Amazing what chimney sweeping can teach us, no? Keep your fire hot and
your flue clean."  - Ecurb Noselrub

"I'd be incensed by your impudence were I not so impressed by your memory." - Siz

OldGit

Pope planning 'massive' leaving do

Plans are said to be well underway at the Vatican to mark the departure today of Pope Benedict XVI with what Cardinals are excitedly describing as 'an almighty piss-up'.
'We'll start early in the afternoon at the Vatican with several bottles of communion wine and a buffet of wafer biscuits,' said 87-year-old Cardinal Giovanni Cappa. 'Then we'll move on to an exclusive nightclub just round the corner and really get stuck into some Jägerbombs. The last time we arranged a leaving do for a Pope was in 1414 so we're a little out of practice, but priests' hobbies haven't changed much since then, and none of us have wives so there's no problem getting a pass for the night.'

The main part of the evening will be spent at the Vatican's favourite nightspot, The Chorister's Crotchet, where a table has been specially reserved. 'The Pope and his posse of Cardinals will be entertained by our finest young choirboys dancing and draping themselves seductively across replica altars,' said club promoter, Roberto di Lorenzo. 'They might occasionally glimpse a bit of ankle flashed from beneath a cassock, but if they want to see more or adjourn to the vestry for a private dance, they'll have to slip a €20 note onto the choirboy's collection tray just like everyone else.'

Before the evening gets underway the Pope is expected to finish his official duties by deleting all his emails and setting up his out-of-office message insisting he knew nothing about child abuse allegations. He'll then be presented with a 'Sorry-you're-leaving' card which all the Cardinals have signed, some Marks and Spencer vouchers from a Vatican whip-around, and jokingly teased about the time on 1 April when his Cardinals presented him with a draft speech advocating women priests, gay marriage and the use of contraceptives.
Once the celebrations are over, Cardinals will go into conclave to pray and seek divine guidance on who the next Pope should be. 'It's actually just some quiet time for us to ride out our hangovers,' said Cardinal Cappa. 'We do pray, though. I usually spend most of the next day on the big white telephone to God.'

Newsbiscuit

Tank

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

xXxWashburnxXx

'I was at the beach and heard a man yell "HELP! SHARK HELP!" I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.'
Evolution is JUST a theory. Ya know, like gravity!

Sweetdeath

Law 35- "You got to go with what works." - Robin Lefler

Wiggum:"You have that much faith in me, Homer?"
Homer:"No! Faith is what you have in things that don't exist. Your awesomeness is real."

"I was thinking that perhaps this thing called God does not exist. Because He cannot save any one of us. No matter how we pray, He doesn't mend our wounds.