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Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

Started by no_god_know_peace, November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

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Asmodean

Quote from: Tom62 on February 05, 2013, 06:25:17 PM
Q: What does a model train set and a woman's breast have in common?
A: They are intended for the kids, but it is daddy who plays with them.

It's not a joke. It's an observation. A good one, but still not a joke.
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

Tom62

Another observation

Q. What do Eric the Red and Smokey the Bear have in common?
A. They have the same middle name.
The universe never did make sense; I suspect it was built on government contract.
Robert A. Heinlein

Amicale



"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

Sweetdeath

Law 35- "You got to go with what works." - Robin Lefler

Wiggum:"You have that much faith in me, Homer?"
Homer:"No! Faith is what you have in things that don't exist. Your awesomeness is real."

"I was thinking that perhaps this thing called God does not exist. Because He cannot save any one of us. No matter how we pray, He doesn't mend our wounds.

OldGit


Amicale



"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

OldGit

Oops!  I see Tank posted this one in another thread, well before me.  Sorry, Tank - I stole it from another forum, not from you.  8)

Claireliontamer

I wish my child would take some hide and seek lessons from him, she insists on coming back to find me.

Tank

Quote from: Claireliontamer on February 06, 2013, 01:17:44 PM
I wish my child would take some hide and seek lessons from him, she insists on coming back to find me.

BAD MUMMY! You don't mean that!  :D
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Amicale

Found this on Facebook. I've seen it before, but it's cute and worth sharing. Part funny, part probably true.  :D



Those kids are up to no good!! You find out interesting things when you have kids.

What Kids Taught Me.


1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house one inch deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old boy.

10.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

11.) Super glue is forever.

12.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

13.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

14.) VCR's do not eject "PB&J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

15.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

16.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

17.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

18.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

19.) The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5-minute response time.

20.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

21.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

22.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.


"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

Tank

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Amicale



"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

Asmodean

Only a couple of raindrops on this parade, if The Asmo may:

Quote from: Amicale on February 06, 2013, 04:49:44 PM
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
You obviously need an industrial strength fan. That will spin a kid around as long as it's not a cheap one - that will probably just break.

Quote7) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
Not if you have recently emptied your septic tank.

Quote8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
Yes, and it can also be a fire hazard. Chlorine can also react with many other household items, sometimes with generation of highly poisonous gases (Those warnings about not mixing chlorine-rich cleaning products with anything else..? There is a reason for them)

Quote9.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old boy.
As will coins, batteries and most of the other crap that can be swallowed but not digested. I would advise against trying nails or razor blades though, unless the latter has been taped up.

Quote11.) Super glue is forever.
It's just an organic compound. Organic solvents like acetone will remove it.

Quote14.) VCR's do not eject "PB&J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Provided you stick a sandwich in one to begin with, some models will. It depends on your machine's feeding/ejection system.

Quote17.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
Indeed. Unless it smels of almond with none to be found. In which case, running may be a good idea... Unless it be too late.

There. Parade rained on, Asmo appeased, mission accomplished  :D
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

Amicale

Asmo, you're hilarious. :D Glad you're appeased, although I'm afraid you spent too long raining on the parade of something that took me 15 seconds to pull off Facebook... But I thank you for the extra facts. ;D


"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

Asmodean

And His Appeasedness even managed to throw in a public service announcement or two in there. Now, who wants to learn how to make highly poisonous gases using household chemicals?  :D
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.