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Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

Started by no_god_know_peace, November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

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OldGit

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

Tank

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Tank

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Tank

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Tank

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Amicale

Quote from: Tank on December 05, 2012, 09:50:07 PM


:D I showed this one to a couple people, both of who started singing it with the new words. I love Tard.  ;D


"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

jumbojak


"Amazing what chimney sweeping can teach us, no? Keep your fire hot and
your flue clean."  - Ecurb Noselrub

"I'd be incensed by your impudence were I not so impressed by your memory." - Siz

jumbojak

Quote from: OldGit on December 03, 2012, 09:56:47 AM
^^ That's excellent.  Vive la France!

If you like that here's a few more from the bottom of the page:
www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html

QuoteWith only an hour and a half of research, Jonathan Duczkowski provided the
following losses:

Norse invasions, 841-911.
After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by a
French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them Normandy in
return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only positive
military bonus in France's [favour] for next 500 years.

Andrew Ouellette posts this in response:
1066 A.D. William The Conquerer Duke and Ruler of France Launches the
Largest Invasion in the history of the world no other was as large until the
same trip was taken in reverse on June 6th 1944 William Fights Harold for the
Throne of England Which old king Edward rightfully left to William but Harold
Usurped the throne Will fights the Saxons (English)wins and the French Rule
England for the Next 80 Years. then the French start the largest building and
economic infrastructure since the fall of the Roman Empire the Norman
Economy skyrockets and the Normans inadvertantly start England to become a
major world Power Vive La France-
   
Matt Davis posts this in response to Andrew Ouellette above:
Oh dear. We seem to have overlooked some basic facts. Firstly, Philip the First
(1060 - 1108) was King of France at the time of the Norman invasion of 1066 -
William was Duke of Normandy and, incidentally, directly descended from the
Vikings. William was, therefore, as alien to France as the experience of victory.
Since Philip did not invade England, the victory at Hastings was Norman - not
French. Normandy may be a part of France now but it most certainly wasn't in
1066. Therefore, William's coronation as King of England had nothing
whatsoever to do with the French. As usual, they were nowhere near the place
when the fighting was going on. The mistaken belief that 1066 was a French
victory leads to the Third Rule of French Warfare; "When incapable of any
victory whatsoever - claim someone else's".

Mexico, 1863-1864.
France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its
thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of Montezuma"). Not
surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion
(consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a
little over a year after arrival.

Panama jungles 1881-1890.
No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the
U.S. 1904-1914.

Napoleonic Wars.
Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed of non-
Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and anti-
monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the French on
many occasions.

Haiti, 1791-1804.
French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever.
Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally.

India, 1673-1813.
British were far more charming than French, ended up victors. Therefore the
British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine (er,
wine...). Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England.

Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830.
Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Meditteranean.
France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. America's solution: kick their
asses ("the Shores of Tripoli"). [America's] first overseas victories, won 1801-1815.

1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S.
French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at
sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets precedent for next 200 years of
Franco-American relations.

Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s.
Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile land,
French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyrennes until the
modern day.


French-on-French losses (probably should be counted as victories too, just to
be fair):

1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacared by French.
When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was
"Kill them all. God will know His own." Lesson: French are badasses when
fighting unarmed men, women and children.

St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572.
Once again, French-on-French slaughter.

Third Crusade.
Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion
Heart to finish.

Seventh Crusade.
St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.

[Eighth] Crusade.
St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.


Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line,
sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter
France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with
their traditional route of invading France, entering through Belgium
(Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.). French ignored
this though, and put all their effort into these defenses.

Thomas Whiteley has submitted this addition to me:

Seven year War 1756-1763
Lost: after getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia (yep, the
Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off for the remainder of the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including some Brits.
War also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe at Quebec) and India (Clive
at Plassey).

"Amazing what chimney sweeping can teach us, no? Keep your fire hot and
your flue clean."  - Ecurb Noselrub

"I'd be incensed by your impudence were I not so impressed by your memory." - Siz

Amicale

In response to the xmas lights: Lol, that's funny. I hope the twats next door didn't upend their garbage bins all over their front lawn in friendly response. ;)


"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

OldGit

Two women were sitting next to each other in a bar.
After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .....'
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, sure I am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And whereabouts in Ireland are yez from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, so I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin '
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you leave?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I left in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I left Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 meself!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, And orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are pissed again'.

OldGit


Amicale



"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

Amicale

An old man was asked:
"At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get -Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"

The wise one answered,
"Definitely Parkinson's. Better to spill half an ounce of Jack Daniels, than to forget where you keep the bottle!!"


"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

ExChristian

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

Claireliontamer