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Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

Started by no_god_know_peace, November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

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Siz


When one sleeps on the floor one need not worry about falling out of bed - Anton LaVey

The universe is a cold, uncaring void. The key to happiness isn't a search for meaning, it's to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually you'll be dead!

Amicale



"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

Claireliontamer


Guardian85

A guy walks into a bar with his midget wife and takes a stool, with his wife standing next to him. The bartender was busy at the other end and didn't see them when they walked in. When he got done serving the customers there, he walked down the bar and asks the new customer what he would like. He asks for two glasses of beer, which the barman brings. After leaving him, the bartender goes about serving other patrons, when he notices the man has finished his beers. He asks if he would like a refill, and the man says, "Yes. I'll have a couple more. "The barman gets two more beers and sets them in front of the man. Never having seen anyone with the guy, his curiosity is piqued, and he asks him, "Why, do you order two drinks at a time?"

The man replies, "Oh, one is for me, and the other for my wife."

Astounded, having not seen the midget wife, the bartender says, "Your wife? Where is she?"

"She's standing here next to me."

The bartender, standing on his toes, leaning forward looking over the edge of the bar, utters, "Well, I'll be God damned, she ain't any bigger than your fist!"

The man replies, "No, but she's a lot better!"


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

OldGit

Having read 50 Shades of Grey a Welsh guy persuades his girlfriend to try anal sex for the first time.
He says "If it hurts too much, yell the safety word twice and I'll stop."
She says "OK, what's the safety word?"
"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch."

OldGit

"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!

Claireliontamer

Quote from: OldGit on December 01, 2012, 10:16:39 AM
Having read 50 Shades of Grey a Welsh guy persuades his girlfriend to try anal sex for the first time.
He says "If it hurts too much, yell the safety word twice and I'll stop."
She says "OK, what's the safety word?"
"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch."

hahahaha that's a good one!

jumbojak

Quote from: OldGit on December 01, 2012, 10:17:40 AM
"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!

A guy I used to work with actually had that happen in D.C. The other guy's on the crew set up the 'date' and had a good laugh about it afterwards.

"Amazing what chimney sweeping can teach us, no? Keep your fire hot and
your flue clean."  - Ecurb Noselrub

"I'd be incensed by your impudence were I not so impressed by your memory." - Siz

Amicale

Quote from: jumbojak on December 01, 2012, 03:38:49 PM
Quote from: OldGit on December 01, 2012, 10:17:40 AM
"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!

A guy I used to work with actually had that happen in D.C. The other guy's on the crew set up the 'date' and had a good laugh about it afterwards.

Lol, wow. Did they set him up on just a date, or with a prostitute who turned out to be a guy?


"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

Claireliontamer

These are the top 10 Christian chat up lines:

Did it hurt? (Did what hurt?) When you fell from heaven?
   
Do you know the difference between making out and a sermon? (No?) Wanna go to church with me?
   
Have you ever tried praying at a drive in movie before?

If Eve was tempted by an apple than you must be my fruit.

God was just showing off when He made you.

Do you think "ask, and it shall be given you" is to be taken literally?

Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy.

I don't speak in tongues, but I kiss that way!

[look at the person's shirt label] "Just as i thought ... made in heaven."

Are you religious? (Yes) Good, well I am the answer to your prayers.

jumbojak

Quote from: Amicale on December 01, 2012, 04:55:17 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on December 01, 2012, 03:38:49 PM
Quote from: OldGit on December 01, 2012, 10:17:40 AM
"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!

A guy I used to work with actually had that happen in D.C. The other guy's on the crew set up the 'date' and had a good laugh about it afterwards.

Lol, wow. Did they set him up on just a date, or with a prostitute who turned out to be a guy?

She was a prostitute. He was the sort of guy who always complained that he never got laid, ( his phrase not mine ) so one night at a bar, everyone chipped in and found him a girl. They introduced him to her and gave him the keys to the van, and after the pair went outside the rest of the crew followed to listen in. For the first five minutes or so, everything went fine ( lots of satisfied moans and groans ) until everything stopped.

He was then heard to yell, "WHAT?! YOU GOT A GOD DAMN DICK!!!"
I wasn't there myself, but the reports I heard, both from the unlucky suitor and the rest of the crew were hilarious.

"Amazing what chimney sweeping can teach us, no? Keep your fire hot and
your flue clean."  - Ecurb Noselrub

"I'd be incensed by your impudence were I not so impressed by your memory." - Siz

Amicale



"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

jumbojak

From here: www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html

French miltary victories ??? Don't you mean French military defeats?

Quote
- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French
history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in
history, a Roman -ed.]

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates
The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when
not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when
fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway.
Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started
ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles
the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which
they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims
a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later
known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French
Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a
Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl
home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering
the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not
only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly,
widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in
the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as
they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim
force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We
can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the
Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and
Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and
Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail
after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not
be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France
collapses?"
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion.
All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."
Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there
when they need you."

"Amazing what chimney sweeping can teach us, no? Keep your fire hot and
your flue clean."  - Ecurb Noselrub

"I'd be incensed by your impudence were I not so impressed by your memory." - Siz

Claireliontamer

Quote from: jumbojak on December 02, 2012, 05:19:07 PM
From here: www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html

French miltary victories ??? Don't you mean French military defeats?

Quote
- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French
history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in
history, a Roman -ed.]

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates
The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when
not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when
fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway.
Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started
ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles
the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which
they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims
a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later
known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French
Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a
Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl
home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering
the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not
only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly,
widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in
the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as
they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim
force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We
can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the
Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and
Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and
Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail
after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not
be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France
collapses?"
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion.
All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."
Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there
when they need you."

;D  My favourite line which I am going to use is....

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion.
All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

OldGit