Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[AlisonFox66]

hey noo

everyone knows that at Burns Suppers its the women who wear the trousers

'nothing is worn under the kilt , it is all in perfect working order'

[OldGit]

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there..'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and  7 inches in your pants......

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in  Aspen and  Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in  Louisiana . There are over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.  Just send the wine back.'

[jumbojak]

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there..'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and  7 inches in your pants......

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in  Aspen and  Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in  Louisiana . There are over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.  Just send the wine back.'

That's brilliant!

[OldGit]

I went into the florist's and asked for some flowers for the wife.
He said, "are you looking for anything in particular?"
"Yes," I said, "sex."

[Tom62]

A psychiatrist, administering a Rorschach test, showed his patient the first ink blot and asked, "What do you see here?"
The patient replied, "A naked woman!"
He showed him another ink blot and asked, "What about this one?"
The patient replied again, "A naked woman!" And a third, and a fourth, fifth, and sixth ink blot, it was always the same: "A naked woman."
The psychiatrist said, "Now I see your problem -- you're obsessed with sex!"
The patient replied, "Me?! You're the one with the dirty pictures!"

[Willow]

OMFSM!!

I saw this and my first attempt was to decode it as:
Oh My Fucking Sado Masochism

[NoHandlebarsAttached]

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there..'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and  7 inches in your pants......

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in  Aspen and  Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in  Louisiana . There are over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.  Just send the wine back.'

That's rich! XD

[OhhDucky]

[OhhDucky]

[Tank]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4E-uiaIxNc

[Claireliontamer]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4E-uiaIxNc

.

I feel for the cat as I chuffing hate squirrels (the grey American imports anyway) for that reason.

[Amicale]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4E-uiaIxNc

 

[Amicale]

[OldGit]

[Tank]