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Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

Started by no_god_know_peace, November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

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Tank

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Asmodean

Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

Amicale



"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

OldGit

An 8-year-old choir boy caught the local priest masturbating.
He asked. "What are you doing father?"
"It's called masturbating, my son" the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why's that father ?" he asked.
"Because my wrist is killing me." The priest replied.

Asmodean

Quote from: OldGit on October 09, 2012, 11:02:51 AM
An 8-year-old choir boy caught the local priest masturbating.
He asked. "What are you doing father?"
"It's called masturbating, my son" the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why's that father ?" he asked.
"Because my wrist is killing me." The priest replied.
Yes. You see, THIS is good joke.  :D
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

Tank

Rat #1: Knock, knock.
Rat #2: Who's there?
Rat #1: Euripides.
Rat #2: Euripides, who?
Rat #1: Euripides trousers, you mend-a these trousers.
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Ali


Amicale

Quote from: Ali on October 09, 2012, 04:31:23 PM
Quote from: Amicale on October 07, 2012, 05:58:22 AM


Bahahahahahahahhahaha.  This made me snort decaf out my nose.

;D  Yay, you saw it! I thought of you when I posted that, I thought 'Ali will appreciate the pun!'


"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

OhhDucky

A wife is having sex with her husband's best friend one day. Soon the phone rings, so she answers it. "Yes... uh, huh... OK... yes... bye."
Her husband's best friend says, "Who was it?"
"That was my husband," she replied.
The man jumped out of bed, and tried to put on his clothes in a hurry.
"Relax," said the wife. "He just called to tell me he was out playing golf with you"
__________________
"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature nor do the children of man as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." -Helen Keller

OhhDucky

A man and woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and soon realize they're both doctors. After an hour, the man says, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached." The woman doctor agrees to it. They go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. At last, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex. Afterward, the man says, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yes," says the woman, "how did you know?" "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started," he says. "That makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anesthesiologist, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" asks the man. The woman replies, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature nor do the children of man as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." -Helen Keller

Ali

Two men were out walking their dogs, when they decided to stop in at a local bar to get a drink.  They knew that the bar wouldn't let them bring their dogs in, so they came up with a plan of telling the bartender that they were blind, and these were their seeing eye dogs.  The first man walked in with his dog, a big strapping German Shepherd.  The bar tender stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here."  The man says "No, see, I'm blind, and he's my seeing eye dog."  The bartender lets him in with the dog.  The second guy waits a few minutes, and then he comes in with his dog, a little chihuahua.  The bartender stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here."  The man says "No, see, I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog."  The bartender says "Your seeing eye dog is a chihauhau????"  The man says "What?!?  They gave me a chihuahua?!?" 

:D

OhhDucky

Great duck joke....

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature nor do the children of man as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." -Helen Keller

Amicale

A poor, hungry, cold alley cat dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter welcomes him and says "because you've had such a rough life, we want to make it right for you now. Just tell me what you'd like, and it's yours." The cat exclaims "oh, wow. How kind. Well, I've spent my life sleeping in cold alleys. What I want more than anything is a lovely warm pillow to bask in the sun on. If I got that, I'd be so happy." St Peter readily agrees, the cat is provided with the softest pillow in existence, and he happily snuggles in.

Next a group of mice find their way up to heaven. They're nervous, timid creatures, glancing about frantically left and right. St Peter welcomes them, and says "you've had a rough life, always having to scurry away from predators, trying to find crumbs to eat. We'll make it right. What would you like now that you're in heaven? The mice exclaim "Oh, wow. How kind. Well, getting food on earth was difficult so we'd love to have cheese and crackers available, and it was so hard outrunning those predators that if we can each have a pair of super-fast roller skates, we'd never have to worry again!" St Peter is amused, and agrees that the mice ought to have the food and the roller skates. They're provided with their needs, and happily skate away.

A week goes by. St Peter decides it's time to check in on the new creatures. He finds the cat, and asks "how are you enjoying your lovely warm pillow?"

"It's purrrrrfect", the cat says. "And if I may say so, I've also REALLY appreciated the meals on wheels you've sent my way!"


"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

OhhDucky

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first."

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was,
said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female, as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The frog then turned to the rabbit and asked him to state his third wish.

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."
__________________
"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature nor do the children of man as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." -Helen Keller

Tank

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.