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Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

Started by no_god_know_peace, November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

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OldGit

SAFE SEX WARNING:

Condoms don't guarantee safety - my friend was wearing one and he was shot by the woman's husband.

Guardian85

A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment. He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He realizes that the first one might get bored watching, so he her asks what she'd like to do. She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone." So she plays it while he screws her sister. A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy." The other girl says, "Gee...do you think he'd remember us?"


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

Amicale

Hypnotist at the Senior Center


It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance;

I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.

It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.


"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

Sweetdeath

Quote from: OldGit on September 07, 2012, 09:10:44 AM
SAFE SEX WARNING:

Condoms don't guarantee safety - my friend was wearing one and he was shot by the woman's husband.

HAHAHA!!

That reminds me of Austin Powers I think when they were like "Do you use protection?" and he's like "Of course, I always carry one with me" and pulls out a small hand gun.
Law 35- "You got to go with what works." - Robin Lefler

Wiggum:"You have that much faith in me, Homer?"
Homer:"No! Faith is what you have in things that don't exist. Your awesomeness is real."

"I was thinking that perhaps this thing called God does not exist. Because He cannot save any one of us. No matter how we pray, He doesn't mend our wounds.

Tank

Fun for the childless...
Hire a babysitter, tell them that your child is asleep in their bedroom, and not to be woken. When you return, ask the sitter where the kid is.
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Asmodean

Quote from: Tank on September 11, 2012, 05:03:58 PM
Fun for the childless...
Hire a babysitter, tell them that your child is asleep in their bedroom, and not to be woken. When you return, ask the sitter where the kid is.
???
... ...
...
..!

YEEESS!  :D The Asmo is SO looking for a sitter!  :D
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

Sweetdeath

Quote from: Tank on September 11, 2012, 05:03:58 PM
Fun for the childless...
Hire a babysitter, tell them that your child is asleep in their bedroom, and not to be woken. When you return, ask the sitter where the kid is.

This is so cruel, I love it!! ;D
Law 35- "You got to go with what works." - Robin Lefler

Wiggum:"You have that much faith in me, Homer?"
Homer:"No! Faith is what you have in things that don't exist. Your awesomeness is real."

"I was thinking that perhaps this thing called God does not exist. Because He cannot save any one of us. No matter how we pray, He doesn't mend our wounds.

Crow

Quote from: Tank on September 11, 2012, 05:03:58 PM
Fun for the childless...
Hire a babysitter, tell them that your child is asleep in their bedroom, and not to be woken. When you return, ask the sitter where the kid is.

Golly gosh I am doing that!
Retired member.

Guardian85

A 16-year-old blond girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off." So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What will our baby be called?" The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.

Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?" He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she asked once more. He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she asked again. After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... MacGyver!


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

joeactor

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

Siz


When one sleeps on the floor one need not worry about falling out of bed - Anton LaVey

The universe is a cold, uncaring void. The key to happiness isn't a search for meaning, it's to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually you'll be dead!

Sweetdeath

Quote from: joeactor on September 12, 2012, 08:52:12 PM
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

HAHA  :D
I like this one.
Law 35- "You got to go with what works." - Robin Lefler

Wiggum:"You have that much faith in me, Homer?"
Homer:"No! Faith is what you have in things that don't exist. Your awesomeness is real."

"I was thinking that perhaps this thing called God does not exist. Because He cannot save any one of us. No matter how we pray, He doesn't mend our wounds.

Truthseeker

I thought this was as good a place as any to post this.  Certainly many have already seen this, but my god this is funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMeXGE_a8Gg
Suffering is the breaking of the shell that encloses one's understanding.  Khalil Gibran

Amicale

Quote from: Truthseeker on September 19, 2012, 06:52:58 PM
I thought this was as good a place as any to post this.  Certainly many have already seen this, but my god this is funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMeXGE_a8Gg

:D lol, nope, never seen it before. Thanks for sharing!


"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

NoHandlebarsAttached

-Women's rights.

-Why do black people lean towards the inside of their car when they're driving? They think the smell is coming from the outside.

-How many white guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. A white guy will screw anything.

-How many Mexicans does it take to take a bath? 50. One to sit in the tub, and 49 to spit on him.

-What do you call a Filipino walking his dog? A vegetarian.

-Why don't Jewish cannibals like eating Germans? They give them gas.

I'm on a mission to tell a horrible joke about every group of people I know of.