Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Asmodean]

"I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

In many parts of the world, people survive on one to two dollars a day. 800 a year would give her about 2,20 a day. Upper poor class, in other words, but sounds quite doable.

[Guardian85]

"I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

In many parts of the world, people survive on one to two dollars a day. 800 a year would give her about 2,20 a day. Upper poor class, in other words, but sounds quite doable.

The difference between east Africa and Nevada.

[Siz]

Prince Harry's father has refused to comment on his sons antics. But Prince Charles is said to be furious.

[Tank]

Prince Harry's father has refused to comment on his sons antics. But Prince Charles is said to be furious.

ROFL!!!!

[OldGit]

^^ Good one!

[OldGit]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,

"Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flash light beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot said, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" he laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

[history_geek]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,

"Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flash light beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot said, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" he laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

Man its been ages since I heard that... gets me every time. 

Well, these aren't exactly jokes. I trust that atlest some of you know what IRC is, so you know its a chat. It was developed in the late 80's and "nerds" still use it (and half the population of Finland apparently). There are two sites where people send quotes from these discussion; the Finnish IRCquotes and the more international bash.org. Here's some examples from the later:



<@gloriaea> this is how wars start
<@gloriaea> someone puts up a swedish pop poster and a german blames it on a finn
_________________

t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
BlackAdder> i believe i speak for all of us when i say...
BlackAdder> WRONG BTICH
BlackAdder> IM SICK OF YOU
BlackAdder> AND YOUR LAME STORIES
BlackAdder> NOBODY  HERE THINKS YOURE FUNNY
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR STORIES
BlackAdder> IN FACT
BlackAdder> IF YOU DIED RIGHT NOW
BlackAdder> I  DON"T THINK NOBODY WOULD CARE
BlackAdder> SO WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT FAG
*** t0rbad sets mode: +b BlackAdder*!*@*.*
*** BlackAdder has been kicked my t0rbad ( )
t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
CRCError> right
heartless> Right.
r3v> right

_____________

<Khassaki> HI EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!
<Judge-Mental> try pressing the the Caps Lock key
<Khassaki> O THANKS!!! ITS SO MUCH EASIER TO WRITE NOW!!!!!!!
<Judge-Mental> fuck me

So, yeah. If you ever have a bad case of optimism for our species, you know the address that will set you straight. Have fun.

[OldGit]

The Dead Horse Theory

The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that
"When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."
However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And, of course...

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position

Taken from one of those circular e-mails.

[Tom62]

This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.

[Siz]

This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.

How funny, I was playing this through in my head only yesterday. I'd heard it on some spiritual / self-help tape about 25 years ago. Where'd you hear that?

[Tom62]

How funny, I was playing this through in my head only yesterday. I'd heard it on some spiritual / self-help tape about 25 years ago. Where'd you hear that?

I heard it from my wife, who heard it on a business seminar some years ago.

[Guardian85]

A man had bought himself a new sports car and was out on the highway to test it a little. When he had gotten it up to 160 he spotted blue lights in the rearview mirror.
He slowed down and pulled over to the side and the policeman came up and asked for his license and said. "It's been a long day, I'm tired, it's Saturday night and I will soon get off patrol. I  have no desire to sit with more paperwork. If you can give me a good excuse that I have not heard before why you were speeding, you will avoid fines and a revoked driver's license!"
The man thought for a moment and then replied. "My bitch of a wife ran off with a policeman last week and now I was afraid it was you who wanted to give her back!"
The policeman looked at him and said :"Have a nice weekend".

(Translated with Google Translator)

[joeactor]

A young woman who loved to speed hit the lottery, so she bought the fastest car she could and took it out on the highway to test it out.
She was going about 75 mph in a 60 mph zone and zipped by a motorcycle cop who gave chase.
Seeing the officer in her rear-view mirror, she decided to have a bit of fun.
Just as he was about to catch her, she hit the gas and sped up to 85 mph.
The cop sped up and as he was closing in on her again, she waved and sped off at 100 mph.
The motorcycle cop was obviously having problems catching her, so when he finally got close again, she decided to stop fooling around.
She floored it, and sped away at 180 mph!
After a bit, she slowed down and pulled over to wait... but didn't see the cop.
She turned around to look for him and found him on the side of the road, his bike wrecked in a ditch.
"What happened?", she asked.
"Well, I almost had you that last time...", the cop replied, "but you took off so fast I though my bike had stopped - so I got off to check what was wrong!"

[OldGit]

[Guardian85]

A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, "How about a blowjob?"

"What! Are you crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend.

"No! Someone might see us..."

"It's just a small blowjob," he insists, "and I know you like it."

"No! I said no!"

"Baby... don't be like that."

Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."