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Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

Started by no_god_know_peace, November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

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OldGit

Two men are walking down the road and see a dog licking its testicles.
The first man says: "Blimey, I wish I could do that."
The second man replies: "Better pet him first. He might bite."

Guardian85

Be warned: This one is pretty bad.....

Two pedophiles were walking down the street one day when they came across a pair of small lacey knickers on the ground. The first one picks them up, smells them and goes, "Aahhh... A seven-year-old girl." The other grabs them from him and also takes a smell and goes, "No, no ... Definitely an eight-year-old girl!" The two of them are them smelling them in turns and arguing. "An eight-year-old!", "No, a seven-year-old!", "Definitely an eight-year-old!" .... and so on. The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about.

The first pedophile tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says: "Definitely an eight-year-old girl! ......... but not from my parish!"


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

Tom62

A Dutch man sees a man on his knees using his hand to drink water from one of Amsterdam's canal.
He walks up to him and says in Dutch "Hey – you can't drink that water, it's dirty and will make you sick".
The tourist shouts back in German: "Was sagen Sie?" (What are you saying?)
The Dutch man responds in German: "Sie sollen mit zwei Hände trinken, das geht besser!" (Use both hands, it's much better!")
The universe never did make sense; I suspect it was built on government contract.
Robert A. Heinlein

Tom62

A Belgian truck arrives at a tunnel. There's a sign: "Max. height: 3m". Unfortunately the Belgian truck is 3m15cm high. So, one of the Belgian drivers gets out. Steps on the roof. Looks around. Gets back in and says to his mate: "No cops in sight Sjefke, keep going!" .

Of course the truck gets stuck. A Dutch man in a small car passes by. Sees the truck, and tells the driver: you should let the air out of your tires so you can move the truck again. The Belgian driver starts laughing and says to his mate: Ha ha! Those stupid Dutch people, doesn't he realize we're stuck at the TOP, not the BOTTOM!
The universe never did make sense; I suspect it was built on government contract.
Robert A. Heinlein

Asmodean

...The moral being that Dutch tunnels have margins of error less than 150mm? Kinda' low, isn't it?  :-\
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

Tom62

Quote from: Asmodean on August 15, 2012, 07:50:42 PM
...The moral being that Dutch tunnels have margins of error less than 150mm? Kinda' low, isn't it?  :-\
Who said that it was a Dutch tunnel?
The universe never did make sense; I suspect it was built on government contract.
Robert A. Heinlein

Tom62

I tried to log on to my computer this morning but it wouldn't let me in.
I shouted to my wife, "Babe, have you changed the password on the PC?"
"Yes honey."
"What is it?"
"It's the date of our anniversary."
Bitch.
The universe never did make sense; I suspect it was built on government contract.
Robert A. Heinlein

Asmodean

Quote from: Tom62 on August 15, 2012, 08:07:19 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on August 15, 2012, 07:50:42 PM
...The moral being that Dutch tunnels have margins of error less than 150mm? Kinda' low, isn't it?  :-\
Who said that it was a Dutch tunnel?
What was the Dutch driver doing giving advice to a random truck in someone else's tunnel?  ???
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

OldGit

A blonde walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.
"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the rather deaf clerk, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

Tom62

Quote from: Asmodean on August 15, 2012, 08:36:21 PM
Quote from: Tom62 on August 15, 2012, 08:07:19 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on August 15, 2012, 07:50:42 PM
...The moral being that Dutch tunnels have margins of error less than 150mm? Kinda' low, isn't it?  :-\
Who said that it was a Dutch tunnel?
What was the Dutch driver doing giving advice to a random truck in someone else's tunnel?  ???
???  ???
The universe never did make sense; I suspect it was built on government contract.
Robert A. Heinlein

OldGit

Oh, for the FSM's sake - are you two going to argue all night over this goddamn tunnel?  ;)

Asmodean

Quote from: Tom62 on August 15, 2012, 09:03:11 PM
???  ???
If he was abroad, as in other than Dutch tunnel, he'd have to be familiar with the proper procedure for getting a stuck lorry out before being all helpful. Here, for instance, the police or road authorities would appreciate being called in to assess the damage before any tyre-pumping action was initiated, unless done to avoid getting stuck in the first place before entering a tiny hole with a large object.

Quote from: OldGit on August 15, 2012, 09:11:09 PM
Oh, for the FSM's sake - are you two going to argue all night over this goddamn tunnel?  ;)
YES.  >:(
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

xSilverPhinx

Quote from: Asmodean on August 15, 2012, 09:27:36 PM
Quote from: Tom62 on August 15, 2012, 09:03:11 PM
???  ???
If he was abroad, as in other than Dutch tunnel, he'd have to be familiar with the proper procedure for getting a stuck lorry out before being all helpful. Here, for instance, the police or road authorities would appreciate being called in to assess the damage before any tyre-pumping action was initiated, unless done to avoid getting stuck in the first place before entering a tiny hold with a large object.

I saw that happen here in southern Brazil (it was a laugh) except it was an overhead bridge and not a tunnel. True Failblog material.
I am what survives if it's slain - Zack Hemsey


NoHandlebarsAttached

How do you make a baby cry?
Throw a brick at it!

How do you make a baby stop crying?
Throw another brick at it!

Guardian85

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-