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Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

Started by no_god_know_peace, November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

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OldGit

Mummy, mummy, can I lick the bowl?

No, dear - pull the flush like anybody else.

BonaireBound

Q: What's black and white and red all over and wont go through a revolving door?
A: A nun with a spear through her chest

BonaireBound

Old man and old woman in nursing home. The old man says to the old woman "Guess how old I am". The old woman unzips the old man's fly, fondles his junk for a bit, then zips him up and announces "You're 97." The old man says "That's right!  How did you know?!?" She says "You told me yesterday!"

OldGit

Mummy, mummy, I hate my sister's guts!

Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.

OldGit

The doctor had sex with one of his female patients and
felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to
forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of
betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal,
reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about
it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex
with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And
you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him
back to reality, whispering: "You're a veterinarian, you
sick bastard."

Guardian85

A woman walks into the store and purchases the following: 1 small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of women's deodorant.
She then goes to the check out line.

Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
Cashier: No, you're fucking ugly!


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

Siz

What's red and white and screams?
A peeled baby in a bucket of salt.


When one sleeps on the floor one need not worry about falling out of bed - Anton LaVey

The universe is a cold, uncaring void. The key to happiness isn't a search for meaning, it's to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually you'll be dead!

Amicale



"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

OldGit

What's the difference between a cartload of babies and a cartload of sand?

You can't unload sand with a pitchfork.

Asmodean

Quote from: OldGit on June 17, 2012, 10:07:48 AM
You can't unload sand with a pitchfork.
Well, as it happens... *Down the memory lane, The Asmo goes*  :D
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

OldGit

Quote from: Amicale on June 17, 2012, 05:31:31 AM
At least Ali ought to like this one, for the pun.



What's the difference between a barrow boy and a short-legged Dachshund?

One bawls out his wares on the pavement ...

Ali

Quote from: OldGit on June 19, 2012, 09:57:36 AM
Quote from: Amicale on June 17, 2012, 05:31:31 AM
At least Ali ought to like this one, for the pun.



What's the difference between a barrow boy and a short-legged Dachshund?

One bawls out his wares on the pavement ...

Bahahahahahahaha

Both of these made me laugh.  Yay for word play.

Siz

Bert and Joan go on a tour of the Middle East for their 50th aniversary.
Joan collapses dead in the desert.
As luck would have it, the tour operators local contact is in the funeral business.
"Well, Sir" says the local, "I can prepare the body for shipping back to the UK for 30,000Shekels or prepare a beautiful funeral here for only 1200Shekels".
Bert considers for a few seconds, "I'll have to go with the shipping option".
"Are you sure, Sir?" says Umar, "why would you not want the local ceremony?"
"Well, some fella was buried here a while back and rose from the dead" explained Bert, "I just can't take the risk"

When one sleeps on the floor one need not worry about falling out of bed - Anton LaVey

The universe is a cold, uncaring void. The key to happiness isn't a search for meaning, it's to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually you'll be dead!

Ali


Guardian85

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter...

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money."

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes.


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-