News:

If you have any trouble logging in, please contact admins via email. tankathaf *at* gmail.com or
recusantathaf *at* gmail.com

Main Menu

Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

Started by no_god_know_peace, November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

waitin4godot

Quote from: OldGit on November 17, 2011, 04:56:22 PM
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the U.N. The only question was:-  "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"  The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe thay didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe thay didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution " meant.
In South America thay didn't know what "please" meant.
And finally, in the U.S. they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

hahahahaha

Guardian85

Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he's on fire, so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her. "Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table." So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better?" "Much better!" she replies with a smile. "Okay, then," he says, "now will you please pass the pussy."


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

OldGit

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Amicale

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...


"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

Tank

Quote from: Amicale on May 24, 2012, 02:45:12 PM
How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
Fortunately my wife and daughters never suffered from PMS. However there was a lady where I worked once who's dates were marked on her own calendar by her and woe betide you if you asked the wrong thing on the wrong day! 
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

technolud

Posted from Arkansas:

Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Nancy Pelosi."


The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said, "Excellent trade, Sir."

technolud

Please understand this joke was tongue in cheek.  I still think its funny though. 

OldGit

I don't think you need to apologise for that one.  It's good, and - in various forms - has been around for centuries!  ;)

Tank

Quote from: technolud on May 25, 2012, 07:23:38 AM
Please understand this joke was tongue in cheek.  I still think its funny though. 
The joke area is not 'politically correct'  :D
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Asmodean

Quote from: Tank on May 25, 2012, 09:38:35 AM
The joke area is not 'politically correct'  :D
HEYY! Did you just ever-so-subtly call His Grayness a joke?!
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

Hector Valdez

A smiley face sticker said to a frowny face sticker, "Is something wrong?"
"Oh, heavens yes," The frowny face said, "He wanted a lollipop."

The frowny face sticker then said to the smiley face sticker, "And just why are you so damn happy?"
"Well, you see," the smiley face said, "She brushes her teeth."

Tom62

Mommy, mommy... may I play with granddaddy?
No Johnny, you already dug him up twice today.
The universe never did make sense; I suspect it was built on government contract.
Robert A. Heinlein

OldGit

Mummy, Mummy, why am I walking round in circles?

Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.

squidfetish

Mummy mummy, what's a nymphomaniac?

Shut up and help we get your granny off the doorknob!
reptilian overlord

Guardian85

Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-