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Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

Started by no_god_know_peace, November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

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OldGit

Q.  What kind of tree can't you cut down with an axe?

A.   A lava-tory.

And I know plenty worse than that. ;)

Tank

Quote from: OldGit on May 11, 2012, 08:55:40 PM
Q.  What kind of tree can't you cut down with an axe?

A.   A lava-tory.

And I know plenty worse than that. ;)
I know I'll regret this.

Prove it!!!
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Ali

Quote from: Guardian85 on May 11, 2012, 04:49:48 PM
Quote from: Ali on May 11, 2012, 04:47:40 PM

I liked "Go ahead" as a dare.   ;D  The full and nuanced definition of "fine" is "You are entirely too stupid to be reasnoned with, and I'm going stalk upstairs to take a bath rather than bothering with you for even one more minute."

For some reason I am suddenly glad I am single.... ;)

Haha, whenever you start thinking you might like some female companionship, I will be happy to fill you in on all of the horrible things I think about my husband on a near daily basis.... ;D

joeactor

Quote from: Tank on May 11, 2012, 09:10:38 PM
Quote from: OldGit on May 11, 2012, 08:55:40 PM
Q.  What kind of tree can't you cut down with an axe?

A.   A lava-tory.

And I know plenty worse than that. ;)
I know I'll regret this.

Prove it!!!

... ok ...

What do you call a man who has inherited his father's world-wide chicken broth empire?

.

.

.

.

.

A Bouillonaire!

Amicale

What do you call a hundred rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hareline.

What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies.


"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

jumbojak

Three Indian squaws were getting ready for bed by preparing the hides they were going to sleep on. The first squaw laid out a deer hide, the second squaw laid out a bear hide and the third squaw laid out a hippopotamus hide. Each squaw awoke the next morning and knew that they had miraculously concieved a son, despite the absence of any male companionship.

Nine months later each squaw gave birth. When they compared their children, the squaws who slept on the deer and bear hides noted that the third boy was the biggest of the three.
This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the son of the squaw of the hippopotamus is greater than the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

"Amazing what chimney sweeping can teach us, no? Keep your fire hot and
your flue clean."  - Ecurb Noselrub

"I'd be incensed by your impudence were I not so impressed by your memory." - Siz

Siz

Quote from: jumbojak on May 12, 2012, 03:12:49 PM
Three Indian squaws were getting ready for bed by preparing the hides they were going to sleep on. The first squaw laid out a deer hide, the second squaw laid out a bear hide and the third squaw laid out a hippopotamus hide. Each squaw awoke the next morning and knew that they had miraculously concieved a son, despite the absence of any male companionship.

Nine months later each squaw gave birth. When they compared their children, the squaws who slept on the deer and bear hides noted that the third boy was the biggest of the three.
This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the son of the squaw of the hippopotamus is greater than the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.



...moving on quickly, the two shortest jokes in the world:

A seal walks into a club...

A dyslexic walks into a bra...

When one sleeps on the floor one need not worry about falling out of bed - Anton LaVey

The universe is a cold, uncaring void. The key to happiness isn't a search for meaning, it's to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually you'll be dead!

OldGit


A guy visiting in Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

kitty

how many amoebas does it take to change a lightbulb?


2....

no, 4.....

no, 16.....
Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too? (Douglas Adams)

joeactor

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two.

But don't ask me how they got in there...

Guardian85

How many swedes does it take to change a lightbulb?

5. One to hold the bulb, and four to turn the step ladder.


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

OldGit

Here is yet another really ancient example:

How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.  But the bulb has really got to want to change.


technolud

Seems this one should already be here, but I can't find it:

There are only 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary and those that don't.

Asmodean

Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.