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Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

Started by no_god_know_peace, November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

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Amicale

Quote from: Budhorse4 on April 27, 2012, 12:52:38 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on April 27, 2012, 11:08:32 AM
Quote"The letter is not totally accurate and uses sarcastic humor to make the seat sound a lot worse than it is. But we don't want to pooh-pooh this customer's concerns -- seat 29D is less than ideal. Most flights are not sold out and normally we can easily re-seat a customer who prefers not to sit in this location. However, the Dec. 21 flight was completely full, and we have apologized to the customer who wrote to us about the concerns. If there was a quick and easy solution to this problem we would do it in a whiz. However, the aircraft configuration is fixed and there is little we can do at this point to just flush away the issue."
- Courtney Willcox, Continental Airlines spokeswoman-

That's punny.  ;D


Not to mention not pooh-poohing the idea, and trying to fix the problem in a whiz!


"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

Amicale



"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

ThinkAnarchy

Quote from: Amicale on April 30, 2012, 01:56:26 AM


I like that one a lot. I will have to share it with my evil anarchist cohorts.   ;) I view it as more truth as opposed to a joke though.  :'(

P.S. I have been using emoticons like they are about to go extinct lately...
"He that displays too often his wife and his wallet is in danger of having both of them borrowed." -Ben Franklin

"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote." -credited to Franklin, but not sure.

Siz

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car It's hundreds of  them!'



Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As  they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the
passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it I could have
sworn we just went Through a red light.'
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the
light was red..  Again, they went right  through. The woman in the
passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was
really concerned that she was losing it...  She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was  red and they went
on through. So, She turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did
you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?  You could
have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and  said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'



Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.
She puts  her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters,
'Was I  getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't  know. I'll come up and see.'
She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I  going up the stairs or
down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and
listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head  and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful,
knock on wood.'
She  then yells, 'I'll come up and help Both of you as soon as I see
who's  at the door.'

When one sleeps on the floor one need not worry about falling out of bed - Anton LaVey

The universe is a cold, uncaring void. The key to happiness isn't a search for meaning, it's to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually you'll be dead!

Tank

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Amicale

This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. 'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . ."


"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

Guardian85

A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

Steve Reason

lol You guys are killing!  ;D

Here's one I made up in my empty head many years ago: What do you call a guy that has spent so much time away from his wife fishing, that he now always knows which bait to choose without fail?

Why a master baiter of course! Har!  :P
I do not fear death, in view of the fact that I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it. ~ Mark Twain

http://rumtickle.blogspot.com/

Amicale

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
' May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?'

' Yes. '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No. '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy, ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, ' The search team just landed a helicopter. '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME .'


"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

OldGit


Guardian85

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.

He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.

He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

Amicale



"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

Tank

^^^ Now if a man posted that it would be considered sexist  ;D
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Amicale

Quote from: Tank on May 10, 2012, 07:45:51 PM
^^^ Now if a man posted that it would be considered sexist  ;D

:D On the other hand, I can vouch for it being true, and I can vouch for many women using this language with men as well as other women. ;) The only difference is that when I use any of these with another woman, she KNOWS what they mean.  ;D


"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

Tank

Quote from: Amicale on May 10, 2012, 08:33:58 PM
Quote from: Tank on May 10, 2012, 07:45:51 PM
^^^ Now if a man posted that it would be considered sexist  ;D

:D On the other hand, I can vouch for it being true, and I can vouch for many women using this language with men as well as other women. ;) The only difference is that when I use any of these with another woman, she KNOWS what they mean.  ;D
See! See! I allway knew they had a secret code language!!!
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.