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Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

Started by no_god_know_peace, November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

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Tank

Quote from: Guardian85 on April 21, 2012, 10:08:10 PM
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to me."

"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches." ;D
This is totally unbelievable. I remember what 27 stitches felt like and I didn't even think about smiling for a fortnight!! 
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

ThinkAnarchy

Quote from: ThinkAnarchy on April 21, 2012, 09:04:46 PM
I have one that doesn't involve nationality.

A donkey and camel were walking through the desert. They had been walking for a while and were both very thirsty. They came across a watering hole and the camel immediately drank up all the water.

"What are you doing?" asked the donkey.

The camel responded, "Shut up jackass I know what I'm doing."

So they walk a little more and they come up on the second water hole. Again, the camel drinks all the water before the donkey get's any.

"What are you doing, I'm thirsty too."

The camel says again, "Shut up jackass I know what I'm doing."

They next come across the 4th water hole...

(Sorry need to take a quick break)

Alright, well it looks like I will have to wait a while for someone to bite, if it were ever going to happen. But when you tell it in person someone always corrects you with, "Don't you mean the third watering hole?" To which you respond, "shut up jackass I know what I'm doing."

Corny yes; but I never get tired of doing it.
"He that displays too often his wife and his wallet is in danger of having both of them borrowed." -Ben Franklin

"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote." -credited to Franklin, but not sure.

Hector Valdez

A man walks into a bank on April 1st and fills out a note with the words, "This is an April fools joke: Give me all your money." The teller looks at the joke and laughs. "Good one, she says.". The man then pulls out a sig sauer .9mm and says, "April Fools!"

Tank

Quote from: ThinkAnarchy on April 21, 2012, 10:24:32 PM
Quote from: ThinkAnarchy on April 21, 2012, 09:04:46 PM
I have one that doesn't involve nationality.

A donkey and camel were walking through the desert. They had been walking for a while and were both very thirsty. They came across a watering hole and the camel immediately drank up all the water.

"What are you doing?" asked the donkey.

The camel responded, "Shut up jackass I know what I'm doing."

So they walk a little more and they come up on the second water hole. Again, the camel drinks all the water before the donkey get's any.

"What are you doing, I'm thirsty too."

The camel says again, "Shut up jackass I know what I'm doing."

They next come across the 4th water hole...

(Sorry need to take a quick break)

Alright, well it looks like I will have to wait a while for someone to bite, if it were ever going to happen. But when you tell it in person someone always corrects you with, "Don't you mean the third watering hole?" To which you respond, "shut up jackass I know what I'm doing."

Corny yes; but I never get tired of doing it.

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Guardian85

A Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it
go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid, and because his price
was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks and buying the paint and thinning it down with the turpentine.

Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened,
and rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn.

Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

From the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

Amicale

Quote from: Guardian85 on April 22, 2012, 01:51:44 AM
A Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it
go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid, and because his price
was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks and buying the paint and thinning it down with the turpentine.

Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened,
and rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn.

Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

From the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

This joke in all of its variations (with the punchline always being the same) has always been one of my favourites!  :D


"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

OldGit


Tank

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Amicale

Here's one that's just too good to pass up sharing. It isn't a joke, but a very funny, odd situation that happened about 7ish years ago:

From http://www.lettersofnote.com/2011/03/seat-29e.html



"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

Buddy

Strange but not a stranger<br /><br />I love my car more than I love most people.

Tank

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Asmodean

My guess? They laughed for an obnoxiously long time and then tossed the complaint, OR responded with a politically correct letter, promising less than nothing while appearing to take the complaint seriously.
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

Guardian85

Quote"The letter is not totally accurate and uses sarcastic humor to make the seat sound a lot worse than it is. But we don't want to pooh-pooh this customer's concerns -- seat 29D is less than ideal. Most flights are not sold out and normally we can easily re-seat a customer who prefers not to sit in this location. However, the Dec. 21 flight was completely full, and we have apologized to the customer who wrote to us about the concerns. If there was a quick and easy solution to this problem we would do it in a whiz. However, the aircraft configuration is fixed and there is little we can do at this point to just flush away the issue."
- Courtney Willcox, Continental Airlines spokeswoman-


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

Amicale

Quote from: Guardian85 on April 27, 2012, 11:08:32 AM
Quote"The letter is not totally accurate and uses sarcastic humor to make the seat sound a lot worse than it is. But we don't want to pooh-pooh this customer's concerns -- seat 29D is less than ideal. Most flights are not sold out and normally we can easily re-seat a customer who prefers not to sit in this location. However, the Dec. 21 flight was completely full, and we have apologized to the customer who wrote to us about the concerns. If there was a quick and easy solution to this problem we would do it in a whiz. However, the aircraft configuration is fixed and there is little we can do at this point to just flush away the issue."
- Courtney Willcox, Continental Airlines spokeswoman-

:D  :D  :D Classic.


"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

Buddy

Quote from: Guardian85 on April 27, 2012, 11:08:32 AM
Quote"The letter is not totally accurate and uses sarcastic humor to make the seat sound a lot worse than it is. But we don't want to pooh-pooh this customer's concerns -- seat 29D is less than ideal. Most flights are not sold out and normally we can easily re-seat a customer who prefers not to sit in this location. However, the Dec. 21 flight was completely full, and we have apologized to the customer who wrote to us about the concerns. If there was a quick and easy solution to this problem we would do it in a whiz. However, the aircraft configuration is fixed and there is little we can do at this point to just flush away the issue."
- Courtney Willcox, Continental Airlines spokeswoman-

That's punny.  ;D
Strange but not a stranger<br /><br />I love my car more than I love most people.