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Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

Started by no_god_know_peace, November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

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Sweetdeath

Quote from: Guardian85 on April 17, 2012, 01:18:28 PM
Three women were bragging about their sons.
The first woman jumped up and said, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a Church, everyone says 'Oh, your Emminence!'"
Not to be outdone, the second woman says, "My boy is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a Church, everyone says 'Oh, your Excellency!'"
Then the last woman looks at the others and says, "I don't know about YOUR boys, but my son is 17 years old and weighs 500 lbs. Whenever he walks into a Church they always say 'OH MY GOD!'"




LOL
I love it!!! :D
Law 35- "You got to go with what works." - Robin Lefler

Wiggum:"You have that much faith in me, Homer?"
Homer:"No! Faith is what you have in things that don't exist. Your awesomeness is real."

"I was thinking that perhaps this thing called God does not exist. Because He cannot save any one of us. No matter how we pray, He doesn't mend our wounds.

Tom62

Two Belgians are crawling over the railroad track.
First Belgian: This stair never seem to end.
Second Belgian: Yeah, and the handrail is also very low
The universe never did make sense; I suspect it was built on government contract.
Robert A. Heinlein

Tom62

Now one joke about my own countrymen.

Q: How does the Dutch recipe for an omelet starts?
A: Borrow an egg.
The universe never did make sense; I suspect it was built on government contract.
Robert A. Heinlein

Guardian85

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

Amicale

An Irish man, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump  off  this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off this building too."

The blonde guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irish man opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too.  The blonde guy opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral The Irish man's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!

The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde guy's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He made his own lunches!"


"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

Tom62

An American, a Russian and a Belgian are sitting in a bar.
The American: "Our American submarines can stay under water for more than three years"
"Ah.." says the Russian, "The Russian submarines can stay under water, twice as long than that".
"That is nothing", says the Belgian, "Our submarines never go up".
The universe never did make sense; I suspect it was built on government contract.
Robert A. Heinlein

Guardian85

What's the best weapon against the Russian Navy?

Rust remover.


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

Tom62

Why didn't the Belgian Navy participate in WW-II?

There wasn't enough wind.
The universe never did make sense; I suspect it was built on government contract.
Robert A. Heinlein

The Magic Pudding


Guardian85

What is the worlds shortest book?

"Austrian Navy Handbook".


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

Tank

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Amicale

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.


"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

Asmodean

Quote from: The Magic Pudding on April 21, 2012, 04:06:47 PM
Quoteknow any good jokes

No


There were some ok ones here before this thread devolved to "Know any _Insert Nationality_ jokes?"  ???
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

ThinkAnarchy

I have one that doesn't involve nationality.

A donkey and camel were walking through the desert. They had been walking for a while and were both very thirsty. They came across a watering hole and the camel immediately drank up all the water.

"What are you doing?" asked the donkey.

The camel responded, "Shut up jackass I know what I'm doing."

So they walk a little more and they come up on the second water hole. Again, the camel drinks all the water before the donkey get's any.

"What are you doing, I'm thirsty too."

The camel says again, "Shut up jackass I know what I'm doing."

They next come across the 4th water hole...

(Sorry need to take a quick break)
"He that displays too often his wife and his wallet is in danger of having both of them borrowed." -Ben Franklin

"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote." -credited to Franklin, but not sure.

Guardian85

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to me."

"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches." ;D


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-