Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

Started by no_god_know_peace, November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

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DeterminedJuliet

#270
Don't worry, we Newfies have our own jokes  ;)

In a very swish part of Toronto's retail area two young very hip guys are looking at their new high end boutique. The decorating is done, the stainless steel/glass shelving is erected and the carpet is laid, all they are waiting on is the expensive merchandise to arrive. After surveying their masterpiece one guy turns to the other and says;
"What do you bet some dumb Newfie will come in and ask what we are selling?"
As his friend finishes agreeing with him, a Newfie walks in.
"Aye boys, what are ya sellin?" asks the Newfie.
One guy looks at the other, winks and replies "Ass-holes".
The Newfie takes a quick look around the store and says;
"Aye ya must of had a good price you only got two left"
"We've thought of life by analogy with a journey, with pilgrimage which had a serious purpose at the end, and the THING was to get to that end; success, or whatever it is, or maybe heaven after you're dead. But, we missed the point the whole way along; It was a musical thing and you were supposed to sing, or dance, while the music was being played.

Guardian85

A Swede comes into a bookstore to buy a book.
Bookstore employee: "Do you want something light or would you prefer heavier reading?"
Swede: "Doesn't matter, I have the car with."


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

Asmodean

Quote from: Guardian85 on April 07, 2012, 11:22:19 AM
"Doesn't matter, I have the car with."
You see, that's smart thinking right there! For every kilometer you drive, another polar bear cries another tear, if the eco-whatevers are to be believed and, as an added bonus, you can carry some seriously heavy books without breaking your own back.
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

OldGit

As the Titanic sinks, three men stand talking on the deck: a teacher, a lawyer and a priest.

The teacher says, "The kids!  We've got to save the kids!"
The lawyer says, "Fuck the kids."
The priest says, "Do we have time?"

Tank

^^^ I shared that on the secret atheists page on fb 'The society of the Godless'
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Guardian85

Sven was going to buy his first TV. He went into the electronics shop where Ole worked as a salesman. "I want to buy that nice TV over there" Sven said.
"Sorry, we don't sell TV's to Swedes" Ole said.

Sven was flabbergasted but refused to give up so easily.
He bought himself a very expensive disguise complete with the outfit, the hairstyle and even learned a new accent. He came back to the furniture shop.
"Hey, man, be cool. I really dig dat TV there. How much you want for it, cat?" Sven asked.
Ole didn't pause in his response. "Sorry, we don't sell TV's to Swedes!"

Sven was flabbergasted and more determined than ever.
He went to a neighboring city and bought another disguise and learned another new accent.
He came back to the furniture shop. "Howdy, partner, I'd sure like to purr-chess that TV yonder, wa-ja say?" Sven asked.

Ole again immediately responded, "Sorry, we don't sell TV's to Swedes!"
Sven stepped back, ripped off his mask, and demanded, "Hey, how the hell did you know I'm a Swede?"
"Well, for starters that's a microwave oven...."


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

keithpenrod

Stole this one from Hitchens. 

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian? 
Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

history_geek

These are not so much jokes, but sayings in Finnish that are sometimes used for humorous effect:

"Konstit on monet, sano tummu kun kissalla pöytää pyyhki"

"Tricks are many, grandma said while sweeping the table with a cat"

There seems to be a "it's funny because it's true"-mentality in a lot of these.

Altought the one above is some times followed by:

"Vaihtelu virkistää sano kissa kun tummulla pöytää pyyhki"

"Change is refreshing, said the cat while sweeping the table with grandma"

;D

"Kyllä aikaa on, mutta ikä loppuu."

Roughly translates as "Sure there's time, but it's age that's running out"

"Aikainen lintu madon nappaa, mutta vasta toinen hiiri saa juuston"

"Early bird gets the worm, but it's only the second mouse that gets the cheese"

"Toivossa on hyvä elää, sano lapamato, niin kauan kuin toivo elää"

"It'a good to live in Hope, said the tapeworm, as long as Hope is alive"
(In Finland, "Toivo" is just like "Hope" in English, both a name as well as a word)
"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." Arthur C Clarke's Third Law
"Any sufficiently advanced alien is indistinguishable from a god."
Pierre-Simon, marquis de Laplace:
Je n'ai pas besoin de cette hypothése - I do not require that hypothesis[img]http://www.dakkadakka.com/s/i/a/4eef2cc3548cc9844a491b22ad384546.gif[/i

joeactor

Quote from: history_geek on April 08, 2012, 12:54:26 PM
"Aikainen lintu madon nappaa, mutta vasta toinen hiiri saa juuston"
"Early bird gets the worm, but it's only the second mouse that gets the cheese"

... reminded me of:
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines"

Guardian85

Q: What is the difference between Swedes and Norwegians?
A: The Swedes have nice neighbours!



"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

OldGit

Quote from: Guardian85 on April 08, 2012, 04:19:16 PM
Q: What is the difference between Swedes and Norwegians?
A: A swede is a root vegetable.

FTFY  ;D

Asmodean

Quote from: OldGit on April 09, 2012, 11:36:48 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on April 08, 2012, 04:19:16 PM
Q: What is the difference between Swedes and Norwegians?
A: A swede is a root vegetable.

FTFY  ;D
Turnips, yes? The Asmo is only semi-failiar with such. He doesn't usually eat green things unless there is capsiacin in them.
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

Guardian85

There were two Swedish carpenters building a house. One of them opened a pack of nails, and asked the other: "Why are half of the nails lying in the wrong direction?"
The other replied: "You moron! They are supposed to be used on the other side of the house!"



"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

Buddy

Q: How do Norwegians forge ten crown bills?
A: They scrape one zero off a hundred bill.

A Norwegian went to a museum. The tour guide was explaining: "This sword is over 2000 years old." The Norwegian paused for a second to think about it and then asked: "How is that possible? We are only in the year 1998."

Q: What did the Norwegian train robbers say while robbing a train? A: Okay, now, get us some guns...

Norwegian was bragging to his friend:
- I just bought a piece of field that is 2 cm wide and 10 km long.
- What on Earth are you going to do with a field like that?
- Grow spaghetti, of course.
Strange but not a stranger<br /><br />I love my car more than I love most people.

Asmodean

Quote from: Budhorse4 on April 09, 2012, 01:03:16 PM
Q: What did the Norwegian train robbers say while robbing a train? A: Okay, now, get us some guns...
...And how is getting some guns while robbing shit not sensible? They could be quite useful in future operations..?  ???
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.