Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

Started by no_god_know_peace, November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

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OldGit

I'd just come out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

Guardian85

A priest, rabbi and televangelist were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf, and started discussing their weekly collections. Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to God.
The rabbi explains: "I draw a circle around myself and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself. Whatever lands outside the circle, I give to God."
The priest then adds: "I use a similar method, except that whatever lands in the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs."
The televangelist then proclaims: "I also use the same method. Except, that I toss the money in the air and I figure that whatever God wants, he can take."




"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

xSilverPhinx

Just a silly one I thought I'd add:

A baby mouse was foraging for food one day with it's mother and they spotted a bat flying.
"Look mom, and angel!" said the baby mouse.

Yeah, I'm not that good at jokes. 
I am what survives if it's slain - Zack Hemsey


Asmodean

Quote from: xSilverPhinx on March 12, 2012, 01:52:29 AM
Yeah, I'm not that good at jokes. 
No, that was indeed a joke. It's a well-known fact that rats and mice worship a winged Asmo.
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

MorneDJ

Dear John, I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car started stalling and then broke down about a mile down the road. I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes.He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter! I am 32, my husband is 34, and the Neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I need advice urgently. Can you please help? 

Sincerely, Sheila   

__________________________________

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.  Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold. It could also be that the fuel pump itself is faulty. 

I hope this helps, 

John
I am a right-wing, conservative, agnostic scientist who thinks that the spotted owl taste like chicken ...

Asmodean

It can also be a choked air filter or air intake, a broken gear box (Comes with a wide variety of rattles while driving), water in petrol, petrol in diesel and a whole mob of other issues.  ???

Would need more info to tell her exactly what the problem was.
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

OldGit

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him..
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table
with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye
and takes a sip of his coffee!!!!
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee: 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' ... he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do honey'... she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily..
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
'I would have been released today'

DeterminedJuliet

Quote from: OldGit on March 11, 2012, 10:18:24 AM
I'd just come out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'


Haha, ouch!
"We've thought of life by analogy with a journey, with pilgrimage which had a serious purpose at the end, and the THING was to get to that end; success, or whatever it is, or maybe heaven after you're dead. But, we missed the point the whole way along; It was a musical thing and you were supposed to sing, or dance, while the music was being played.

Guardian85

The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face. "What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked. "It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"

"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver. "Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell left the garage door open?'"


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

Tank

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

DeterminedJuliet

"We've thought of life by analogy with a journey, with pilgrimage which had a serious purpose at the end, and the THING was to get to that end; success, or whatever it is, or maybe heaven after you're dead. But, we missed the point the whole way along; It was a musical thing and you were supposed to sing, or dance, while the music was being played.

Siz

Sorry in advance...

1. Two  blondes walk into a building ....... you'd think at least one of  them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message -  '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A  guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.  The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I  went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't  find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet  him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He  said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in  a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man  came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,  'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know  you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood  disco last week and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting  in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank,  proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. 

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his  van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped  himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry  growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put  on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green  Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it  common?' 'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rottweiler  to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for  him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.   So he picks the dog up  and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says,  'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's  cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.

14. What do you  call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. So I was getting into  my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said  'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..' 

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.  There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's  either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger  brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

17. Two fat  blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one  says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

18. Police arrested two  kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was  eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. 

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my  driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said,  'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

20. A man walked into the  doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor  said, 'Well don't go there anymore!

21. Ireland 's worst air  disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna  plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have  recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as  digging continues into the  night.

When one sleeps on the floor one need not worry about falling out of bed - Anton LaVey

The universe is a cold, uncaring void. The key to happiness isn't a search for meaning, it's to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually you'll be dead!

Tank

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Guardian85

Scissorlegs, those were painful! And yet funny...


A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son but is your mom or dad in?" To which the boy replies, "Does it fucking look like it?"


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

ibm

Quote from: Tank on November 23, 2011, 05:20:52 PM
Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb
A: Five, one to hold the light bulb and the other four to turn the ladder round and round !

Q: How many Irishmen Newfies does it take to change a light bulb
A: Five, one to hold the light bulb and the other four to turn the ladder round and round !

In Canada, that'd be considered a Newfie joke.