Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

Started by no_god_know_peace, November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

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Guardian85

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

Truthseeker

Quote from: Guardian85 on February 28, 2012, 11:14:35 PM
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"


LMAO.  Top shelf Guardian!!
Suffering is the breaking of the shell that encloses one's understanding.  Khalil Gibran

joeactor

Quote from: Guardian85 on February 28, 2012, 11:14:35 PM
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

After he fired the other guy, he hired a woman.
A week later he forgot his hammer, so he pointed to his eye ("I"), pointed to his knee ("need"), and made a hammer motion.
The woman nodded, then pointed to her eye, pointed to her boobs, and pointed to her crotch.
He ran all the way down and shouted "Don't you understand!!! I need a hammer!"
"I know!" - she ran through her motions again "I Left-Tit in the Box!"

Guardian85

Quote from: joeactor on February 29, 2012, 01:04:56 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on February 28, 2012, 11:14:35 PM
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

After he fired the other guy, he hired a woman.
A week later he forgot his hammer, so he pointed to his eye ("I"), pointed to his knee ("need"), and made a hammer motion.
The woman nodded, then pointed to her eye, pointed to her boobs, and pointed to her crotch.
He ran all the way down and shouted "Don't you understand!!! I need a hammer!"
"I know!" - she ran through her motions again "I Left-Tit in the Box!"


Oooooh! Good follow-up!


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

Tank

Copernicus' parents: "Copernicus, young man, when are you going to come to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around you?"
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Asmodean

Quote from: Tank on March 04, 2012, 01:57:30 PM
Copernicus' parents: "Nick, young man, when are you going to come to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around you?"
They would probably use his first name. Fixed.
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

AnimatedDirt

Heaven and Hell

While walking down the street one day a politician was tragically struck by a
car and died. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from high up.  What we'll do is have
you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity."

"Really?  I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

With that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In
the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends
and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at
the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine
on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a
good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it
is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the
elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven
where St.Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven..."

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
time

and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity,"  says St. Peter.

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would
be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to hell...

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting
it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland
full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says,

"Yesterday we were campaigning,

Today, you voted..."


Vote wisely on November 6, 2012

DeterminedJuliet

Why did the hipster wear a scarf in the summer?
Because he was cold before it was cool.
"We've thought of life by analogy with a journey, with pilgrimage which had a serious purpose at the end, and the THING was to get to that end; success, or whatever it is, or maybe heaven after you're dead. But, we missed the point the whole way along; It was a musical thing and you were supposed to sing, or dance, while the music was being played.

Guardian85

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

OldGit

^ LOL!

---------------------


A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'

Siz

Did you hear about the farmer who plowed up what appeared to be an ancient Roman coin that was marked 104BC? How did he know that it was a fake?

When one sleeps on the floor one need not worry about falling out of bed - Anton LaVey

The universe is a cold, uncaring void. The key to happiness isn't a search for meaning, it's to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually you'll be dead!

Guardian85

A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks delighted: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows! "Wow," says his friend, "what did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills'" said the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked his friend. "I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

Tank

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Asmodean

The kid does look high, vacant and/or hung over though, no?  :D
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

Tank

Quote from: Asmodean on March 11, 2012, 08:20:45 AM
The kid does look high, vacant and/or hung over though, no?  :D
Very much so, and little kids can look very much like that while their immature brains start up.
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.