Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

Started by no_god_know_peace, November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

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Davin

Men and women are different.
Women expect men to do certain things.
I mean, my girlfriend was all upset because I didn't help her out of the car.
I was just too busy swimming to the surface.



Edit: citing Emo Philips as the guy who I stole the joke from.
Always question all authorities because the authority you don't question is the most dangerous... except me, never question me.

McQ

Alright, I'm not going to read through 14 pages of jokes to check and see if this was posted already. I don't think it was, but if so, ignore it.



The bartender said, "We don't serve faster than the speed of light neutrinos in here".


A faster than the speed of light neutrino walked into a bar.
Elvis didn't do no drugs!
--Penn Jillette

Tank

It was the 5th post in the thread   :D


Quote from: Tank on November 10, 2011, 08:19:14 AM
Quote from: Heisenberg on November 10, 2011, 04:03:29 AM
Why did the caterpillar traverse the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.

Oh, good jokes? No, don't have any of them.
Very good!

"We don't serve neutrinos."
A neutrino walks into a bar.


If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Guardian85

A room temperature superconductor walks into a bar.
The bartender says "We don't serve superconductors in this bar".
The room temperature superconducter leaves without resisting.


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

McQ

Quote from: Tank on February 15, 2012, 03:38:16 PM
It was the 5th post in the thread   :D


Quote from: Tank on November 10, 2011, 08:19:14 AM
Quote from: Heisenberg on November 10, 2011, 04:03:29 AM
Why did the caterpillar traverse the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.

Oh, good jokes? No, don't have any of them.
Very good!

"We don't serve neutrinos."
A neutrino walks into a bar.




I just knew I shouldn't have started by looking for that joke on the last page of the thread, working toward the first page! I got tired of looking about half way through. Lol!
Elvis didn't do no drugs!
--Penn Jillette

Guardian85

Some helium drifts into a bar.
The bartender says "We don't serve any noble gases in this establishment."
The helium doesn't react.


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

Ali


Siz


When one sleeps on the floor one need not worry about falling out of bed - Anton LaVey

The universe is a cold, uncaring void. The key to happiness isn't a search for meaning, it's to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually you'll be dead!

OldGit

Here's another one cut and pasted lock, stock and barrel from another forum:

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.  Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.  Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.  They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.  Finally, the elderly gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.  'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.  'I would like it infrequently,' she replied.  The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered:

'Is that one word or two?'

Aggie, if you ever see this, take my plagiarism as a compliment.

Guardian85

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." The she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

philosoraptor

My contribution to the Chuck Norris jokes:
*Chuck Norris is suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are the names of his right and left legs.
*When tax time rolls around, Chuck Norris just sends the IRS a picture of himself crouched and ready to strike.  Chuck Norris has never paid taxes.
*Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

An existentialist joke:
A priest, a hooker, and Martin Heidegger are sitting at a bar.  Heidegger says, "I'm undertaking an existential analytic of Dasein in all its throwness and facticity."  The priest and the hooker say, "Huh?"

A gross joke told to me by a college student:
Q: Why don't old ladies like to pee in the morning?
A: Have you ever pulled apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

"Come ride with me through the veins of history,
I'll show you how god falls asleep on the job.
And how can we win when fools can be kings?
Don't waste your time or time will waste you."
-Muse

Guardian85

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I
am going to make it rain until the whole world is
covered with water and all the evil things are
destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and
two of every living thing on the planet. I am
ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of
lightning, he delivered the specifications for the
ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling
with the blueprints, "I'm your man."

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and
the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked
down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and
there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is My ark?" A
lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside
Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my
best, but there were some big problems. First, I had
to get a building permit for the ark's construction,
but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to
hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a
long argument with him about whether to include a
sprinkler system.

"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was
violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my
front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning board.

Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for
the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to
save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists and the Fish and Wildlife
Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but
they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls.

"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got
sued by an animal rights group that objected to me
taking along only two of each kind.

"Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA
notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without
filling out an environmental impact statement on Your
proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea
that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being.
Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the
proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!

"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a
complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over
how many minorities I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has
seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to
leave the country, and I just got a notice from the
state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I
don't think I can finish the ark in less than five
years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to
shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah
looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to
destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord. "The government already has."


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

Tank

Q. What's the difference between a stoat and weasel?
A. A Weasel is weasily wecognised and a stoat is stoataly different
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Gawen

Finally...

The Dalai Lama is hungry and walks into a pizza shop. He asks the guy, "Can you make me one with everything?"
The essence of the mind is not in what it thinks, but how it thinks. Faith is the surrender of our mind; of reason and our skepticism to put all our trust or faith in someone or something that has no good evidence of itself. That is a sinister thing to me. Of all the supposed virtues, faith is not.
"When you fall, I will be there" - Floor

Tank

Quote from: Gawen on February 22, 2012, 06:44:20 PM
Finally...

The Dalai Lama is hungry and walks into a pizza shop. He asks the guy, "Can you make me one with everything?"

Watch this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlIrI80og8c
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.