Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Tank]

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.  "Follow me, son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. 

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."  And they did. 

"Well done, son!  Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. 

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?  Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

[Guardian85]

A young boy had just got his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an
evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to
the study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You
bring your grades up from a C to a B-average, study your Bible a little, and
get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided that he'd best settle for the offer, and they agreed. After about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father about the car.

Again, they went to the study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've been
studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on
Sunday morning. But I'm real disappointed since you haven't got your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment and then said, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, and there's even strong argument that Jesus himself had long hair."

To which his father replied, "You're right, son. Did you also notice that they all WALKED everywhere they went?"

[squidfetish]

When I heard that Steven Hawking had reached 70 I thought "Fuck me, that's some powerful wheelchair!"


First prize in this week's Italian National Lottery is a mediterranean cruise. Last week's was a rollover.

[Tank]

Two boys were walking through a churchyard one dark and stormy night. As one stopped to do up his shoelaces they heard an eerie voice coming from behind one of the tombs saying
"Now that I've got you, I'm going to eat your legs first, then your arms, then you head and finally I'll gulp down your body."
Terrified, the boys ran for the exit but before they could get out of the gate a figure in black loomed before them.
"I thought I heard someone," said the minister, "would you boys like a jelly baby?"

[Tank]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

[joeactor]

Ok... Tank's jogged my memory...


A guy with a duffle bag walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "Hey! Will you give me a free drink if I show you something you've never seen before?"
The bartender says "Sure, why not..."
Then the customer opens his duffle bag, pulls out a tiny piano, a little bench, and a guy who's a half-foot high.  The little guy begins to play beautiful music.
The bartender is amazed, gives the guy a free drink and says "Ya mind if I ask where you got that?"
The customer takes out a necklace he's wearing and replies "This is a wish necklace - you just hold it and ask for what you want..."
The bartender says "I'll give you free drinks for life if you let me make one wish!"
The customer agrees.
The bartender holds the necklace and says "I want a hundred thousand bucks!"
Next thing he knows the bar is packed to the rafter with ducks!
"Hey!" the bartender yells - "that's not what I asked for!"
... and the customer says "Do you really think I wished for a six-inch pianist?"

[Tank]

I once bought a Bonnie Tyler satnav, it was rubbish. It kept telling me to turn around, and every now and then it fell apart

[happyhappa]

Here is a joke that I was told by a six year old client.
I'm sure its way cuter told by him, but I still cracked up!
Client:  "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Me:  "Why"
Client:  "To get to your house"....
Me:....   ???
Client:  "Knock Knock"
Me:  "...whose there?..."
Client:  "THE CHICKEN!!!!!!!"

[Buddy]

Here is a joke that I was told by a six year old client.
I'm sure its way cuter told by him, but I still cracked up!
Client:  "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Me:  "Why"
Client:  "To get to your house"....
Me:....   ???
Client:  "Knock Knock"
Me:  "...whose there?..."
Client:  "THE CHICKEN!!!!!!!"

That is a cute one. 

[Tank]

Here is a joke that I was told by a six year old client.
I'm sure its way cuter told by him, but I still cracked up!
Client:  "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Me:  "Why"
Client:  "To get to your house"....
Me:....   ???
Client:  "Knock Knock"
Me:  "...whose there?..."
Client:  "THE CHICKEN!!!!!!!"

That's one bright 6 year old.

[Anti-antidisestablishmentarianism]

Chuck norris jokes anyone? Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number, you answer the wrong phone.

[Guardian85]

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

[Ali]

Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories.

[Guardian85]

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard." Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

[Ali]

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights off, he turns the dark off.