Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

Started by no_god_know_peace, November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

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lomfs24

A guy was walking along the beach when he sees this bottle with some inscription on it. He picks it up and starts to rub away the dirt to see the inscription when a genie pops out. The genie says "I am the mother-in-law genie and I will grant you three wishes. However, before you wish, you must know that what ever you wish for I will give to you, but will give your mother-in-law double. Now, make your wishes!"

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I wish I had a million dollars!"
And POOF! just like that he had a million dollars in the bank. But, his mother-in-law had two million in the bank.

He thinks for a moment more and says, "I wish I had a big fancy house on the hill!"
And POOF! just like that he had a big fancy house on the hill. But, his mother-in-law had a big fancy house on either side of his. He think this isn't any good, I have to make my last wish count. So he thinks for a long time then suddenly blurts out, "I wish I was beat half to death!"

lomfs24

With high-definition TV everything looks bigger and wider. My 25th high school reunion must have been in HD!

Guardian85

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.

"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

Ali

What's the difference between a badger and a head of lettuce?

Neither one can drive a tractor!

(I love kind of absurd humor.)

Tank

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

joeactor


The Magic Pudding

Quote from: Ali on December 31, 2011, 05:25:44 AM
What's the difference between a badger and a head of lettuce?

Neither one can drive a tractor!

(I love kind of absurd humor.)

I'm having trouble finding absurdity in your humour.
Silly is OK most of the time.
Ah sorry I'm being to negative, here have some smiligans  :) :D :) ;D

squidfetish

My 10 year old daughter has just set up a Facebook account.

I said to her, "Choose your profile picture carefully."

"Why's that, Dad?" she replied.

"Because it'll be the one they use when you go missing."
reptilian overlord

Guardian85

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel.

"Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match."

The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "We'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres ... We can't lose!"
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

Tank

Q. What's the most important aspect of great sex?
A. Having somebody else there!
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Magdalena

Three old women are talking about the bad things that come with getting old.

The first one says, " My memory is really bad, the other day I was at the bottom of the stairs and I couldn't remember if I had just come down or if I had to go up."

The second one says, "That's nothing, the other day, I opened the fridge door and I couldn't remember if I had just put something in or if I had to take something out."

The third one says, "I'm so glad I don't have those kind of memory problems, (and she knocks on wood three times.) Then she says, "Oh, there's someone at the door!"  :D

"I've had several "spiritual" or numinous experiences over the years, but never felt that they were the product of anything but the workings of my own mind in reaction to the universe." ~Recusant

envilid

What goes "clop clop clop bang bang".........................an Amish drive-by
Question everything.

squidfetish

I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.

"Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly," she said, "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with."

"That's fair enough," I replied, "When can you start?"
reptilian overlord

Guardian85

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee and, after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistics master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'".
God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE."


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

Tank

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.