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Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

Started by no_god_know_peace, November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

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Tank

#105
December 27, 2011, 06:00:00 AM
Have you heard that entropy isn't what it used to be?
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Tank

#106
December 27, 2011, 06:05:09 AM
Q: What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy?
A: Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Tank

#107
December 27, 2011, 06:05:55 AM
Q: Why do chemists call helium, curium and barium the medical elements?
A: Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium!
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Tank

#108
December 27, 2011, 01:00:37 PM
Q. What does DNA stand for?
A. National Dyslexics Association

Q: What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?
A: Pull down its genes.
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Tank

#109
December 27, 2011, 01:09:51 PM
A doctor, an engineer, and a fungal taxonomist arrived at The Pearly Gates.
The doctor said how he'd healed the sick, helped the lame; but he was a sinner and was sent to Hell.

The engineer told how he'd built homes for the homeless, etc.; but he messed up the environment, so he was sent to Hell.

The fungal taxonomist was frightened by all this, but as soon as he mentioned his occupation, God said "You've already been thru Hell, Welcome to Heaven."
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Tank

#110
December 27, 2011, 01:10:51 PM
A biologist phones his wife from his office and says, "Honey, something has just come up, I realize its not my field season, but I have to visit my field site for a week. So, would you pack my clothes, my field equipment and my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in 1 hour to pick them up."

A week later he returned. "Did you have a good trip, dear?" his wife asked.
"Oh, it was just a typical field trip, you know, work work work," he exclaimed, and added "But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
"No I didn't," she replied. "I put them in the box of field equipment!"
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Tank

#111
December 27, 2011, 01:16:06 PM
How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes eight million years.
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

squidfetish

#112
December 27, 2011, 02:38:23 PM
How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One... and the rest will say they did it first.


How do you know if a drummer's stool is level?

The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.


How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Let's skin up and think about it....


Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in his car?

He had to break in to get the drummer out.


How do you know when there's a drummer at your door?

The knocking speeds up and they don't know when to come in.
reptilian overlord

Guardian85

#113
December 27, 2011, 05:26:07 PM
Quote from: squidfetish on December 27, 2011, 02:38:23 PM
How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One... and the rest will say they did it first.


How do you know if a drummer's stool is level?

The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.


How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Let's skin up and think about it....


Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in his car?

He had to break in to get the drummer out.


How do you know when there's a drummer at your door?

The knocking speeds up and they don't know when to come in.

As a drummer, I am slightly offended... (but still vastly amused!)


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

lomfs24

#114
December 27, 2011, 05:53:35 PM
Quote from: Tank on December 27, 2011, 01:00:37 PM
Q. What does DNA stand for?
A. National Dyslexics Association

I too suffer from a bit of CDO which is like OCD but in the correct alphabetic order like it should be.

Anti-antidisestablishmentarianism

#115
December 27, 2011, 06:07:35 PM
Q. What type of meat does the pope eat?
A. Nun
"All murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets." -Voltaire
"By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out". Richard Dawkins

Asmodean

#116
December 27, 2011, 06:12:33 PM
Quote from: Robert on December 27, 2011, 06:07:35 PM
Q. What type of meat does the pope eat?
A. Nun
I see the joke, but the pope is not a vegetarian, is he?  ???
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

Anti-antidisestablishmentarianism

#117
December 27, 2011, 06:19:41 PM
I have no idea, but if I keep seeing Elder scrolls quotes it is just going to remind me that my 360 took a crap over a year ago and that I really need to get a PS3 so I can get skyrim.  Until then I will be sitting in a corner crying.   :'(
"All murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets." -Voltaire
"By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out". Richard Dawkins

lomfs24

#118
December 27, 2011, 07:17:23 PM
Quote from: OldGit on November 10, 2011, 01:08:48 PM
Why is the Bible like a penis?
You get it forced down your throat by a priest.

This is a good one. The way I heard it was

Religion is like a penis. It's OK if you have one, it's even OK if you are proud of it, just don't whip it out in public and force it down my throat.

Guardian85

#119
December 28, 2011, 03:41:51 PM
The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaites him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."

St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."

St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."

God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)

Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"

God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."

Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing hysterically. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.

Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-
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