Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Tank]

[Guardian85]

Where the White Man went wrong

Indian chief Two Eagles was asked by a white US Congressman "You have observed the white man for 70 years. You've seen his wars, his technological advances. You've seen his progress and the damage he has done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The Congressman continued " In your opinion, where did we go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the Congressman for a moment, then replied " When white man came to this land, Indians running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty bever, clean water. Women do all house work, medicine man free. Indian men spend all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
The Cief leaned back with his pipe and said "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve this system."

[Asmodean]

Stole that from that Facebook pic, yes? 

[Guardian85]

i had heard it before, but it did remind me.

[Asmodean]

The browser wars reminded me to share... It's a sort of dry nerd humor, but still, true story.

...So there sit Asmo and His Minions, making a run-of-the-mill personal website for a person we will call Fridtjof. The site is all done and packaged and delivered to him and the bill sent and paid. Now, Fridtjof also paid for 6 months limited support. Most people call pretty much the same day as the product gets delivered with some wishes and wants and how-to questions. Fridtjof, he didn't write, he didn't call... Nothing. So, we forgot all about him. One saturday, my phone rang with that annoying work-ringtone (Call forwarding), and what do you know, there was Fridtjof! Complaining.

Apparently, his friend or uncle or whatever could not see the page. "Ok... Is your server up and running", I asked. "Eh..?" "The ser... Ahh, forget it. Do YOU see your page?" "Yep. Is perfectly fine here". "Is there a problem with the other person's network connection?" "Nope. Don't think so" "Is there an error message?" "No, he gets some Hosted By-message" "Oooh-kay, are you viewing your site from the files I sent or the www?" "Uh... There is this file... This link-file..." "...Right, so where on your server did you upload the files I sent you..? You DID upload them, right?" "...Silence" "...Sigh" "Was I supposed to?" "oO(Dumbass!) Yes."

[Tank]

[Claireliontamer]

On a similar theme....

[Asmodean]

Lke that one! "Could of" is just annoying. How can people be that illiterate? HUH?! HOW?! 

[Sweetdeath]

That grammar list needs to be a shirt. Is it a shirt? I get so fumed when people use 'their' and 'there' incorrectly. HOW DO YOU MESS THAT UP?!

[OldGit]

Posessive its only appeared around Shakespeare's time; before that, the correct possessive of it was his.  Saved a lot of trouble, why did we change it?

... if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be salted?  (KJV, Matthew 5:13)

[OldGit]

My wife being the romantic sort, just sent me a beautiful text:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.  If you are laughing, send me your smile.  If you are eating, send me a bite.  If you are drinking, send me a sip.  If you are crying, send me your tears.  I love you xxx."

I replied...

"I'm taking a shit,  Dear, what should I do?"

Ah, the old ones are the best.

[Tank]

[Icarus]

That last one is a gasser OG. 

[OldGit]

That last one is a gasser OG.  

Kind of you to say so, Icarus, but a very old gasser.  

I like Tank's last one, too.

[Guardian85]

One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out "Ouch you fucking wanker!" later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. she said "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do." the priest says "Well, have you tried smacking them?" she said "No, doesn't the church look down on that?" the priest says "Well, yes, but in some cases we'll make an exception." The next day, the two boys come down for breakfast and she asks Tommy what he wants for breakfast. Tommy says "Well, gimme some fucking waffles." The mom backhands Tommy so hard, he flies out of his chair and lands against the door. shocked and terrified by this, Timmy becomes very quiet. his mother asks him what he wants for breakfast, and his reply was "Well you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no fucking waffles!"