Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[OldGit]

Two men are walking down the road and see a dog licking its balls.
The first man says: "Blimey, I wish I could do that."
The second man replies: "Better pet him first. He might bite."



If you're in a long-term relationship, try the following to spice up your sex life: Get your lover, blindfold them, get some ropes and chains and tie them very tightly to the bed. Then go and screw somebody else.

[Melmoth]

What is the difference between Madeleine McCann and Madeleine McCann jokes?

The jokes got old.

[Sovereign_Reason]

A long line of nuns is waiting to get into the VIP section of Heaven. 

St. Peter is standing before the gates explaining the rules... "If you've had any contact with a human penis," he said,
you have to wash that area of your body in this holy water before you'll be allowed to enter the Holy City. 

The first nun walked up and St. Peter asked her "Have you had any contact with a human penis?"
Her response:  "Well I touched the tip of one with the tip of my finger once..."
St. Peter told her to wash her finger in the holy water and enter Heaven.

The second nun walked up and St. Peter asked the same question.
"Well... a priest and I got a little out of control and I massaged one with my hand."  she responded.
He told her to wash her hand off really well and then enter Heaven.

Throughout this whole proceeding, a rather large nun from the back of the LONG line had been clawing and tackling her way to
the front of the line.  It became such a disturbance that eventually, St. Peter had no choice but to address it.

"What is the meaning of this?"  he asked when she had reached the front of the line.

She responded:  "Look dude... if I'm going to have to gargle that shit, I'm doing it before Sister Mary-Thomas sticks her ass in it."

[joeactor]

During the gold rush, a miner in the Klondike finally struck it rich.
He went into the nearest town, and stormed into the saloon.
Throwing some gold on the bar, he grabbed the bartender and said:
"I just struck it rich!  Gimmie two bottles of beer, and point me to the roughest, toughest whore in the Klondike!"
"She's upstairs," the bartender replied, "second door on the left".
The miner grabs the beers, stomps up the stairs, and kicks open the second door on the left.
"I'm lookin' for the roughest, toughest whore in the Klondike!" he shouts.
The mountain woman in the room turns and says "Well, honey, you found her!"
Then she rips off her clothes, turns her back to the miner and grabs her ankles.
"How do you know I want it that way?", he asks.
"I don't", she says, "I just thought you might wanna open up them beers first..."

[squidfetish]

Christmas in the Winehouse home will be different this year: there will still be a tree but there will be less needles on the floor.

[Guardian85]

Jack the miner stumbles into town after spending 6 months up at his prospect.
Walking into the saloon he inquires at the bar:
"Hey, bartender! Are there any hookers in this town?"
"Nope", said the bartender. "But there is always old William if you are really desperate."
"I'm not really into that sort of thing", said Jack and returned to his mine.

Six months later Jack the miner walks back into town, and goes back to the bar.
"Hey, bartender! Are there still no hookers in this town?"
"Yep", said the bartender. "But there is still old William if you are really desperate."
"Well, Im still not really into that sort of thing", Jack said and left town witrh unfinished buisness.

After another six months and the coldest winter in living memory, Jack returns to the bar.
" If I go for this Willian fellow, it would stay a secret, right?"
"Oh, yes", said the barkeep. "Just between me, you, old Willian and two more guys."
"What two other guys?" asked Jack.
"To hold old William down of course!  He's not really into that sort of thing either."

[OldGit]

    A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
    "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow.  I can stow you away on my ship.  I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
    With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted.
    That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.  From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.  Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
    "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
    "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."
    "I see," the captain says.
    Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
    "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

[Tank]

[The Magic Pudding]

Yoink.

[unholy1971]

Why is the Bible like a penis?
You get it forced down your throat by a priest.

Love this. LMFAO

[Tank]

Two women just called at my door and asked what bread I ate.
When I said, "White", they gave me a lecture for 30 minutes on the benefits of brown bread.
I think they were Hovis Witnesses!

[squidfetish]

Apple have just brought out a tablet marketed directly at Catholic priests. It's called the iTouch Kids

Anal sex is like my first car: I didn't want it but my uncle gave it to me anyway....

[OldGit]

A little girl is in the bath with her little boy cousin.

"What's that?", she asks.

"That's my willee!"

"Oh, yes, my Daddy's got two of those."

"Your Daddy's got two willees?

"Yes - he's got a little floppy one like yours for doing wee-wee, and a great big long stiff one for cleaning the au-pair's teeth."

[Tank]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies.

Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him. 'I'm not sure what to do' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go.

I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let you decide who leaves.' George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell. 'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time. 'No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I had to do was break rocks all day.' commented George.

The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said , 'Yeah, I can handle this.' The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to Go'!!!!!!   

[lomfs24]

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?....
Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.

Hey, I resemble that remark! 

In other news, two atoms were walking down the street when one says "I think I have lost an electron." The other says, "Are you positive?"