Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Tank]

[OldGit]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.  She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

[Tank]

  Are you getting these from 'The Carry On Joke Book.'?

[Guardian85]

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.

Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."

"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied. Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds."

"Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!!"

[OldGit]

^  Brilliant!

Are you getting these from 'The Carry On Joke Book.'?

I am stealing them, of course, but not from there.   

[Tank]

[Crow]

Bushwhacked

[OldGit]

[Pasta Chick]

^See, I love that photo, and if it were me I'd commission a painting of a doctor hedgehog to proudly display by my office.  I have a friend who'd paint it for me.

[Tank]

[Tank]

So true!!!

[Icarus]

Tank, the stupid dipshit with the backward hat must surely be an American. We have unimaginably dumb fashions here. Backward caps are de riguer. Among the worst offenders are young boys or infantile men who deliberately, fashionably, and opposed to any vestige of common sense, wear their pants with the belt lines below their buttocks. Their underpants are often garishly decorated or colored. The object is apparently to display their taste in underwear. The dumb bastards have not enough sense to wear suspenders and the result is that they have to hold their pants up with one or both hands. To see them walk is to see a clownish gait. Let us hope that the Brit kids have not embraced that kind of absurd exhibitionism.

[Tank]

I've seen photos the fashion you speak off. I'm sure they'll be some UK kids that will try it, but I've not seen any in the flesh.

[Willow]

Tee hee hee, suspenders means something a bit different here.  Braces hold up your trousers, suspenders hold up your silk stockings.

[OldGit]

Tee hee hee, suspenders means something a bit different here.  Braces hold up our trousers, suspenders hold up your pants.

FTFY, Willow!