Why Do Nice Guys Always Get Screwed Over?

[Whitney]

Well, I just talked to her about 15 minutes ago. She said she isn't looking for a relationship because it would be unfair to me since she wouldn't invest the same amount of time and effort. But she seemed really cool about it so it wasn't really that awkward.

See..not so bad and next time you have a crush you'll remember how telling the girl wasn't that bad of an experience and just ask her out.

But time to move on for sure now.

[Tank]

Well, I just talked to her about 15 minutes ago. She said she isn't looking for a relationship because it would be unfair to me since she wouldn't invest the same amount of time and effort. But she seemed really cool about it so it wasn't really that awkward.

Bummer. But, now that that's done, you can move on.

My advice: Learn to play guitar. Start a crappy band. Sing about stuff. Play a show or two.
I guarantee you'll meet people, and some of them will most likely be girls.

The Pete Townsend method to meet girls. He hired Roger Daltry to attract girls on the basis he'd get the cast offs, he was right.

[Ecurb Noselrub]

One of the nicest guys I've ever seen (almost nauseatingly so) is Joel Osteen, a pastor in Houston, Texas.  You probably would not be able to stand watching him preach on TV, but: 1) he has a great looking wife; 2) he's worth millions from his book sales (all his books and his sermons are based on positive thinking, feel-good themes); and 3) he's famous (just saw him being interviewed on Piers Morgan).  He's sort of the new Billy Graham.  When he preaches, he has about 40,000 people looking at him in person in his church (which is the old Houston Rockets gym), and millions on the TV. So there is one nice guy who is wildly successful.  He definitely is not always getting screwed over, but looking at his wife, he probably is always getting screwed. Just sayin'.

[MathKat]

You're getting some really bad advice here!  The fact is if you try to pretend to be something you're not you're just asking for trouble.  First of all, women aren't stupid.  If you try to play a roll we're going to see through it.  Second, even if you manage to get someone, how long do you expect to keep up the charade?

Also, not ALL women like assholes and the ones who do aren't all that smart to begin with.  I always had a thing for brains.  Men who could carry a conversation.  And believe me, I was no tease before I met my husband.

The only piece of advice here that I saw as useful is when someone said relationships and dating aren't the same thing.  You don't know who you're getting involved with.  You don't know that the girl you ask out is someone you actually want to get into a relationship.  That's why you start with just dating.  If it doesn't work out it doesn't work out.  If it does then you move into a relationship.

[Tank]

You're getting some really bad advice here!  The fact is if you try to pretend to be something you're not you're just asking for trouble.  First of all, women aren't stupid.  If you try to play a roll we're going to see through it.  Second, even if you manage to get someone, how long do you expect to keep up the charade?

Also, not ALL women like assholes and the ones who do aren't all that smart to begin with.  I always had a thing for brains.  Men who could carry a conversation.  And believe me, I was no tease before I met my husband.

The only piece of advice here that I saw as useful is when someone said relationships and dating aren't the same thing.  You don't know who you're getting involved with.  You don't know that the girl you ask out is someone you actually want to get into a relationship.  That's why you start with just dating.  If it doesn't work out it doesn't work out.  If it does then you move into a relationship.

I agree with MathKat, and in particular the bit I highlighted. However there is one caveat, whatever you are like you must be confident in yourself. If you just sit back and let the world wash over you then it'll do just that and leave you behind. If you're a 'good guy' be the best 'good guy' you can be and let people see it. Advertise that you are a 'good guy'!!!

[Whitney]

I don't remember anyone advising him to be an asshole...just to actually say how he feels instead of quietly obsessing.  For a shy person, part of growing up is learning to express yourself more openly and that requires going outside of a comfort zone.  Some people don't even know I'm shy because I keep putting myself in situations that force me to get over it.  It's not being someone you are not, it's bettering yourself.

[DeterminedJuliet]

I don't remember telling him to pretend to be someone he's not, either? There's a difference between giving someone advice about a tactful way to approach a particular situation and saying "Oh yeah, and pretend to be someone else for your entire relationship. That'll work."

He had a resolution to his situation, so I don't really see the problem.

[Davin]

The reason I didn't post in this thread isn't because of my lack of experience, it's from my lack of good experiences. I've have a lot of relationships, but only one that lasted longer than three months (it lasted seven years). So take my advice with a healthy portion of salt. I'm often categorized as a nice guy because of my willingness to help people, but I'm also called and asshole because I don't care very much (and even when I do care, no one else can tell). People have even said that I'm a pushover because of how often I help at what they would consider a great sacrifice. But I'm also called an asshole for my non-acceptance of things that don't make any sense and people that keep engaging me over them (then saying that I just want to argue).

I've found that being mostly honest works far better than being completely honest. I've always been very honest about me not being very emotional, however no one has ever taken it seriously until months later when they finally acknowledge my lack of emotional awareness and expression. Only in very extreme circumstances do I show a hint of emotion (other than the acting that I've gotten quite good at), but still it takes people a long time to adjust to me as I really am. So I act like I have emotions and I do my best to interpret other people's emotions and how I should react to them, for most people, I'm somewhere in between with many of my friends and I'm not acting at all with close friends and family.

If I want a significant relationship, I think I must be honest, but being completely honest at the start would drive away most potential partners while easing them into my lack of emotions has a bit more success. The biggest problem being that no one believes me at first when I'm being completely honest, which seems to be counter to the purpose of honesty.

[Godless]

I've noticed that some of the people I know go from relationship to relationship. It's like as soon as they break up with someone they immediately need someone else to date. I'm very particular and picky about who I like and who I'll put in effort for to ask out. Throughout my life there's really only been several girls that I really liked and I was pretty much friends with all of them first. I do some times talk to people that I don't know but I feel like I don't do it enough. I used to be pretty shy, but I feel a lot more comfortable talking to complete strangers now.