So confused

[rutledj]

Hi,

Newbie here. I've been through the gamut of Christianity (being "saved", baptized, and born again). Now that I've reached the ripe old age of 52 I'm starting to question everything again. My wife is a devout Christian. If she knew I even had doubts she would probably have a meltdown:)

Every time I hear people say that God has spoken to them I just assume it must be their conscious. I hear that inner voice all the time but I never think it is God. If people praise God when great things happen, why don't they praise him when bad things happen. Didn't he cause bad things also.

I've been out of work for 6 months now and people always tell me they are praying for me (and I thank them) but I really believe that we are the choices we make in life. I made the choice to be so enthralled in my work that I didn't keep up with the latest technology. Now I can't get a job (I'm a programmer you see). I don't blame God or expect him to get me a job. But I guess I want to have hope that someone else is in charge so I don't have to take all the blame.

I'm not super smart and can't reason well enough to debate the existence of God. I just know I have never personally experienced a God moment nor have I ever felt like God spoke to me.

I hope I'm wrong and there actually is a God and a heaven where I can see my parents, sister, and friends again but I don't deep down really believe that. I don't have the heart (or balls) to tell anyone I know how I really feel. What if I'm wrong? I wish I had the conviction to live one way or the other.

Just letting off stress.

Thanks
Rut

[Davin]

Welcome to the forums. I wouldn't blame your joblessness wholly on your lack of keeping up on new technologies, my father kept up on the latest technologies however he still found himself out of a job he worked at for 20 years, and a year and a half of job searching later he finally got a job. It's probably just the current conditions of the market where most employers are looking for cheaper less experienced programmers to try and cut costs. I find that to be a huge mistake, but that's another discussion.

Right now it's like playing the lottery (but with much better odds). So I say don't lose the drive to get a new job, just keep looking. From everything I've seen, success is about equal parts luck and hard work. You have to work hard so that when the the opportunity arises, you're ready for it.

Any way, good luck.

[joeactor]

Hi Rut - nice to meet you.

Thanks for the great intro.   I hope being able to talk about it helps somewhat.
Best of luck in your job search.  Maybe some of those praying for you can help in some other, more tangible way?

I was raised Roman Catholic and strayed quite a while ago.
Definitely not an easy thing to let those close to you in on.

Also was a programmer.  Got laid off in 2006, and switched careers.
Maybe you could read "What Color Is My Parachute?" - I found it helpful in narrowing down my job choices in the past.

I'm not an atheist (Agnostic Theist), but I can understand a little of what you're going through.

Hope you stick around - looking forward to more conversations.

Take care,
JoeActor

[Whitney]

I just started working full time on a contract basis after having been out of work due to a lay off for over a year (with the scattered contract job)..so I know how that feels.  Maybe take this time to learn a new skill...web coding would be something easy for a programmer to slip into and as the economy turns around will be a needed skill again (right now it's not paying well for startups).

I also know how it feels to not know what to think about the god issue.  I hope talking about it helps you to reach a place in your views that you can consider to be the truth (at least as much as we can consider anything the truth).

[rutledj]

Maybe you could read "What Color Is My Parachute?"

Thanks. I know the book. I've actually already  changed careers in my life. Once I was an electronics tech. Went back to school and tried many different areas (business, accounting, etc.) but programming seemed to click. Since I didn't learn web programming (My company only concentrated on windows desktop applications) I'm having a really tough time finding anything. Financially, things are getting really tough.

Of course, none of this has anything to do with being an atheist or agnostic. I just don't know when it comes to religion. I still go to church and see the believers raise their hands during songs. I only wish I felt that devotion. I just don't feel anything when it comes to that other than a deep desire to wish I did.

I'm not smart enough to understand why my mind can't rationally believe there is a God, I just don't feel it inside. Hope that makes sense. I'm really torn between wishing and hoping I am wrong and logic telling me that there is no evidence (in my life anyway) that points to his existence.

Rut

[KDbeads]

Rut,
Don't worry about not being 'smart enough', not everyone in the world can be engineers, docs, lawyers, etc, it's the variety in education/smarts level that makes the world more interesting.    And being confused about your religion or lack there of is normal when you get to the point you find yourself in.  My advice to those in your situation, read everything you can to help you through it one way or another.

And, for what it's worth, I've been out of work since Oct 2008, hubby has been under employed for 2 years, takes him 80 hours a week to earn what he did before.  We are both engineers, plant management types.  The economy totally sucks right now.

[Tank]

Rut

No time to respond in detail at the moment. Just hang in there and keep coming back here and asking your questions. From a 50 yo dad with three grown up kids who has never really believed. don't let this get you down.

[Gawen]

Welcome Rut. I'm in my 50's as well. I'm sorry to hear of your joblessness. Been there. Changed jobs 10 years ago from electrical design and wiring to working in sewer...*laffin*. Keep searching though. Something will come through.
As for the doubt you feel and express, keep reading here. There's a lot of good posters here. Don't just lurk, though...ask some questions, especially if you don't understand what someone wrote. Learn to understand why you feel the way you do as I and so many others have done. In the end, you'll make some form of educated decision instead of living in special pleading and wishful thinking. It's quite liberating to throw off the shackles of dogma, doctrine and mysticism. On the other hand, dealing with family and friends is something only you can deal.
Live and learn. They CAN teach us old dogs new tricks, right Tank?

[elliebean]

Hi Rut! Welcome to the forum.  

I hope you find some clarity here. I look forward to reading your posts.