Wanting What You Cannot Have.

[Kidnapkid]

Wanting what you cannot have. We all do it to a certain degree. Why? Are we as evolving creatures always trying to get the edge up?  

I'm beating myself up a little right now. I put myself in a situation last night. I used to go out with this guy, a sort of local entertainer We'll call him D (for drama). Small time stuff. Brilliant comedy from an open point of view. It was complicated from the beginning, but always fun. I was doing an acting gig of my own for a month and a half, and really wanted D to come and see me preform. I'd been to a ton of his shows and full of support. But he was two busy to make it to even one of my nights, and I got upset and dumped him. I almost immediately started dating my current beau, and have been for about a year and a half.

I'm trying to keep this short.

Last night I went out to see my ex's show. I have done this before. Even gone with my beau. I try not to go alone. My roommate K. was supposed to go with me last night but flaked on me, not EVEN texting me to say she didn't want to go. Grr. I had already committed to going and was looking forward to seeing a different circle of friends. D's friends, my friends. But without a chaperon I'd left myself wide open didn't I? I could tell immediately when he changed his normal routine and spoke to be before the performance. (In the past he'd be running around trying to get things set up just right. Also none of his fans knew he had a girl, cos, well it made it more fun, and no one would believe his character was capable of getting any girl. But anyway, as the night wore on and I got a steady buzz on. Well I'll just say that he's not exactly over me. and the way my body kicks into overdrive, tells me I've got me some unresolved feelings myself. I'm drawn to him. Like there's a rope around me pulling me across the room and into his presence. It's always been like that with him though. I was a lady, and nothing happened more than some heart felt sentiments and a sexually charged atmosphere. There were a few hugs of commiseration and one peck goodbye on the cheek but that's it. D isn't even that much to look at really. Pudgy, dumpy, and bald. His eyes are striking and he's got a real smile. Sort of a twinkle in those baby blues. Like the inside of a secret. My beau is big in a burly sort of way, with long blond hair and pretty eyelashes. His eyes are also blue, but just a little flat. Sexy mouth and nice trimmed beard. Definitely the prettier of the two. I'm not really one to see someone solely on looks. D makes me feel like a shiny jewel. My beau like a project.

This is getting kinda hard to write about.

Some of the things D said to me are still swirling through my brain. "You know who I am don't you? I'm the guy you're going to end up with. I'm going to slow down and get you." "I expect you to be good. It turns me on more that you are good." "You came here to torture us both." He even played an old song for me. An anthem dedicated to not getting ones rocks off. It was very fitting and not the first time he'd played it for me. We'd had a long courtship.

Remember that show I was in that I mentioned before? Well I sort of hate the place now. It kinda doesn't matter to me who came to see me preform. I try not to think about that place to much as it bums me out in a super way. So it's hard to be mad at D not for not coming, mostly because I just don't care anymore.

I guess you can tell by now that I've been doing some serious secretive thinking. Wondering if I made a mistake, trying to evaluate my relationship with my beau. Wondering if it's possible to love two people. I wish I could squish them together and have it all. My beau's companionship, stability,and inspiration with D's humor, wit, charm, and outrageousness. Either way I chose it's going to take money and time. Time flies for D, he hasn't been with anyone since me. And the women really do flock to him. It used to amuse me to watch. Still does, even if I am one of the many flocking. I see D, I see the person he keeps hidden behind his characters. (He has a few.) But I see him, and he knows this. And it makes me special to him.

And I can't have him. And I'm a bad person for wanting him. And I got to figure out what to do. My basic plan of action is to back off, which will be easy cos he's going on tour, and think think think. And to maybe get some advice here. I can't talk to anyone close to me about this. I most certainly can't talk to D right now cos I guess it's his turn to try and court me now, but he can't if I stay away. And stay away I am, till I chose. A person's got to do things right, and right by people. I've never cheated in my life, and I'm not going to start now.

Gah!

[Sophus]

If you're looking to extinguish a feeling, or craving desire, I believe it's a matter of switching out of the Having Mode of Existence. There's nothing wrong with wanting, but if it begins to cause some sense of anguish, then, well ... you won't want to want.  It's just a matter of taking a breather and recognizing the power and joy in life as it already is. Switching over to a Being mode. We go in and out of these states of existence somewhat frequently without realizing it. For example, in music our passions enjoy themselves. In longing for something they assault our ego. If I cannot have this, then I have nothing, thus I am nothing.

If you're interested you can always read the psychoanalyst/sociologist/philosopher Erich Fromm's book To Have Or To Be? Gosh, people will start to think I work for this guy, as much as I promote him. He's just a really good philosopher that I admire. You may or may not agree with him...

An alternative is Existentialist morality:

Let us, for example, examine the two following cases, and you will see how far they are similar in spite of their difference. Let us take The Mill on the Floss. We find here a certain young woman, Maggie Tulliver, who is an incarnation of the value of passion and is aware of it. She is in love with a young man, Stephen, who is engaged to another, an insignificant young woman. This Maggie Tulliver, instead of heedlessly seeking her own happiness, chooses in the name of human solidarity to sacrifice herself and to give up the man she loves. On the other hand, La Sanseverina in Stendhal’s Chartreuse de Parme, believing that it is passion which endows man with his real value, would have declared that a grand passion justifies its sacrifices, and must be preferred to the banality of such conjugal love as would unite Stephen to the little goose he was engaged to marry. It is the latter that she would have chosen to sacrifice in realising her own happiness, and, as Stendhal shows, she would also sacrifice herself upon the plane of passion if life made that demand upon her. Here we are facing two clearly opposed moralities; but I claim that they are equivalent, seeing that in both cases the overruling aim is freedom. You can imagine two attitudes exactly similar in effect, in that one girl might prefer, in resignation, to give up her lover while the other preferred, in fulfilment of sexual desire, to ignore the prior engagement of the man she loved; and, externally, these two cases might appear the same as the two we have just cited, while being in fact entirely different. The attitude of La Sanseverina is much nearer to that of Maggie Tulliver than to one of careless greed. Thus, you see, the second objection is at once true and false. One can choose anything, but only if it is upon the plane of free commitment.

[Chewbie Chan]

Sophos I love your philosophical response to everything. (edit: although this is the 'philosophy' section, so perhaps not unexpected)   I imagine a lot of people in your life find it odd but appreciate your friendship for it nonetheless.

Reading Kidnapkid's post I thought its a shame polyamory is socially infeasible. Seems to me everyone is polyamorous in nature.

Anyway, I guess just living with the want isn't so bad. Its not like life isn't always somewhat dissatisfying anyway and frustrated fidelity is better than upsetting people you love.

[Sophus]

Sophos I love your philosophical response to everything. (edit: although this is the 'philosophy' section, so perhaps not unexpected)  lol That they do... that they do....

Seems to me everyone is polyamorous in nature.

Even Biblical figures were before St. Augustine. Nature's way of getting things done I suppose.

[kokaki1g]

Well the Dalai lama says that Human Nature needs to be corrected from its inherently evil nature, so I believe that we want and want because we feed our inner greed, so in his book he says that by practicing restraint, we can successfully correct our inner evility

[elliebean]

So you're saying the Dalai lama knows about as much about human nature as Pat Robertson? Ok, probably not that bad, but still. Inner evility?

The church taught me to be evil. One of my reasons for leaving it was my inherently good nature.

[mama_ape]

So you're saying the Dalai lama knows about as much about human nature as Pat Robertson? Ok, probably not that bad, but still. Inner evility?

The church taught me to be evil. One of my reasons for leaving it was my inherently good nature.

Elliebean you are the golden goddess of wording what I cannot.

[Kylyssa]

I go with polyamory regardless of what society says.  But you'd probably need to start with completely different people so that's no solution for most people.

My partner and I are both delighted by each other's happiness.  I'll admit it has not been an easy road and lovers have caved to societal pressure in many cases or tried to exploit the idea of polyamory to cover their secrets.  But it works for me, at least in its current incarnation.

[AntiAtheist]

The very core of atheism is about wanting something that you cannot have: Freedom away from God. It is very simply, GOD created us before we were even born. There is a price for existence, the price is unquestioning faith and obedience in the Lord and Holy Bible.  

Sometimes I can kind of understand why you atheists want to deny God. It is because you want to sin without suffering the consequences. But you are asking for something that you will never have.

[Tank]

The very core of atheism is about wanting something that you cannot have: Freedom away from God. It is very simply, GOD created us before we were even born. There is a price for existence, the price is unquestioning faith and obedience in the Lord and Holy Bible.  

Sometimes I can kind of understand why you atheists want to deny God. It is because you want to sin without suffering the consequences. But you are asking for something that you will never have.

But theists desire the 'Perfect Father' and immortality. These are the ultimate fantasies. The big lie if you like that has been the cause of so much suffering for humanity, wars, persecutions, pogroms, which hunts, the Spanish inquisition. There is no evil deed that has not been perpetrated by theists specifically in the name of god is there. People kill and main in the name of god and they always have and by the looks of it always will. The latests homophobic laws in Uganda being only the latest nail in the coffin of theistic morality.

AA you need to calm down a bit you look like this guy, but carrying a cross.

[elliebean]

But you are asking for something that you will never have.

Speaking of which, and since you're banned already:
[spoiler:1h6a97e1][youtube:1h6a97e1]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wOKK8mAkiUI[/youtube:1h6a97e1][/spoiler:1h6a97e1]

[Tank]

But you are asking for something that you will never have.

Speaking of which, and since you're banned already:
[spoiler:3k92x89o][youtube:3k92x89o]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wOKK8mAkiUI[/youtube:3k92x89o][/spoiler:3k92x89o]

[Myoslnev]

I think you have some unresolved feelings about this man, D, that you are not addressing. Philosophy is all right, but you need to address these issues, and Not with D. You need to first recognized that you do have some unresolved feelings, and you need to take ownership of them.

First of all, you dumped D because he wouldn't come see you at your performance. It may seem like that doesn't matter now, but you are getting hot inside the pants now that he is paying attention to you. But your feelings for him are not a matter of who he is or what he's acting like. Simply, because you feel that you got "burned" back when you were together, you are tempted to get it all back by hooking up with him again so that you can erase that feeling of not being seen.

So, the first order of business is to let the air correct between you two. Let him know the reason why you broke up with him. The real reason. You are not to demand that he make it up to you in some way. The point is to recognize and let those feelings be forgiven and dissipate. You can only do that once you: 1. Recognize that you have these feelings of resentment. 2. See that they are causing hurt towards you.

Once you accomplish these two things, then your heart and mind will naturally turn towards forgiveness. You shouldn't tell this man, D, that you've forgiven him. You can, but the risk is that you might be expecting some great lifetime movie scene reconciliation. The point is to forgive and let the feelings go. Do that with the 1 and 2.

Then, once you've forgiven him, then see if you still want to be with him. I guarantee you that with all the emotions gone, you'll see things much more clearly.

[Asmodean]

Sometimes I can kind of understand why you atheists want to deny God. It is because you want to sin without suffering the consequences. But you are asking for something that you will never have.

One: I didn't ask for this existence, so your god already owes me more than it can ever repay for forcing it on me.
Two: I don't WANT to deny your god. I AM denying it.
Three: There is no god.
Four: Your "Holy Bible" is an old book of poorly written science fiction stories.

Now you can try to prove me wrong. Good luck.