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Parenting Fair??

Started by nomadicmom, April 26, 2010, 09:01:50 PM

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nomadicmom

In my intros I listed that I am married to a fundie and we have two kids. A few weeks ago, I admited I was an atheist and had been for some time. (prior to that he knew of my doubts and questions) Now that the dust has settled from the initial shock, it's time for round two...

Our kids are 8 and 4. Obviously my lack of religion is irritating his religiousness. However,we have not brought it up much around the kids. My son, who is 4, I swear was born a skeptic. My daughter is a faithful lamb and believes and does what she is told, no questions. I dont like this. I encourage her to think for herself, but already she's so deep in religion. They go to church and sunday school. My husband prays with them at night. They talk about heaven and god and jesus and blah blah blah. I grew up the same way and I just dont want that for them.

However, how on earth can we parent mixed beliefs? It's not like two religions where both believe in a supernatural being. My husband is very devout. He very much believes I am on my way to Hell. I have not even brought up allowing the kids to come to their beliefs on their own. I'm actually afraid I will have gone too far.

I dont know what to do. They are so young that I am not sure chnaging the game at this point wold just really confuse them or not. We live in the South and Sunday's the whole city is at church (makes it a great morning to go to the zoo or park!). I wouldnt mind trying out the UU church, but really really doubt he would. I've tried to do it in the past and it was like I was asking him to attend the church of Satan...

I guess what I am asking, is there a way to equally raise the children?  If so, how do we move them into this? I really don’t know how to get them to search for their own answers on religions. I don’t know where to begin.
Also, where do I begin with my husband? He seems tolerant with this, as long as I don’t bring it up. If I talk to my sister (who is also a non believer) about an article I read or documentary she should check out and he over hears, he closes up and acts strange around me for the rest of the day. This ISNT going away.  I don’t know if we are just trying to beat a square peg in a round hole or what. I mean, if he felt this couldn’t be reconciled, we’d still have to agree on the kids upbringing.  
Anyways, any advice would be great, especially if you are in a mixed household.  I’m talking about an atheist/fundie mixed. This isn’t someone who is relaxed in his beliefs. He believes hardcore what the Bible says.  
Send me happy thoughts! I’m going to need them!
Emily


All flavor.... no bite.

Asmodean

Quote from: "nomadicmom"I guess what I am asking, is there a way to equally raise the children?  If so, how do we move them into this? I really don’t know how to get them to search for their own answers on religions. I don’t know where to begin.

I'm not a parent, but I think the good first step would be to explain to them what you believe and, most importantly, why you believe that. Answer their questions honestly. Do not apply wishful thinking. Also, the myth that young kids are "too young to deal with (insert the dilemma here)" is just that. A myth. They may not understand it, but they CAN deal with it and usually better than adults. This applies to pretty much all third party influences, like losing a pet or a loved one, parents moving out, mommy or daddy getting a new partner, siblings, religion... You name it. So keep things simple, try to understand your kids position if they have one, don't force them to care if they don't and you are pretty much there.

As they grow up, try listening to them (Note that I did NOT say "talking to them" - there is a huge difference) and seeing their reasons as objectively as you can. It can be hard for a parent, but kids usually do have reasons for their thoughts and actions and even if those reasons may seem silly to you, they may be anything but to them.

Basically, you will let your kids make up their own mind if you interact with them and their world in stead of hearding them or "forcing" open-mindedness on them.

I hope this semi-oracle answer was at least somewhat helpful and at least somewhat along the lines you're thinking along now. I know I sure would appreciate my own parents if they applied the strategies named above to me. I think a lot of kids miss having their world understood by their closest people and a lot of kids miss having such a world in the first place. And I think they are entitled to it.
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

philosoraptor

I think the fair thing to do is to educate them about many different belief systems, and allow them to make their own decisions regarding what they believe.  No one should have religion pushed on them, or the lack of religious belief, either.
"Come ride with me through the veins of history,
I'll show you how god falls asleep on the job.
And how can we win when fools can be kings?
Don't waste your time or time will waste you."
-Muse

Cecilie

Quote from: "philosoraptor"I think the fair thing to do is to educate them about many different belief systems, and allow them to make their own decisions regarding what they believe.  No one should have religion pushed on them, or the lack of religious belief, either.
I agree 100%. I was fortunate to grow up in a home where they would let me decide for myself. The only thing is that it took me a little while longer before I knew what I believed or didn't believe. But I'm glad I came to that decision on my own.
The world's what you create.

pinkocommie

Quote from: "Cecilie"I agree 100%. I was fortunate to grow up in a home where they would let me decide for myself. The only thing is that it took me a little while longer before I knew what I believed or didn't believe. But I'm glad I came to that decision on my own.

I think it's probably a good thing that you took extra time to figure out what you believe.
Ubi dubium ibi libertas: Where there is doubt, there is freedom.
http://alliedatheistalliance.blogspot.com/

Asmodean

Quote from: "Cecilie"I agree 100%. I was fortunate to grow up in a home where they would let me decide for myself. The only thing is that it took me a little while longer before I knew what I believed or didn't believe. But I'm glad I came to that decision on my own.

There is a catch though, isn't there... My parents let me decide for myself too... By simply not caring. That's NOT really a way to go, I'd say, even though I turned out alright. It's about being there, but not being intrusive.
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

philosoraptor

I was raised in a home where religion was forced on me.  It only made me resentful, especially once I realized what a load of contrived bullshit it all was.  I remember being so sick one day, I begged out of going to church.  My mom told me I had to read a book of the Bible and write an essay on it.  I did.  She still grounded me for not going to church, even though I was vomiting and sick.  As hard as they forced religion on me, it obviously didn't work.  I had to learn about other beliefs on my own, but I'm glad I did.  It certainly would've been easier if my parents had encouraged that sort of freedom of thought, though.
"Come ride with me through the veins of history,
I'll show you how god falls asleep on the job.
And how can we win when fools can be kings?
Don't waste your time or time will waste you."
-Muse

Cecilie

Quote from: "Asmodean"
Quote from: "Cecilie"I agree 100%. I was fortunate to grow up in a home where they would let me decide for myself. The only thing is that it took me a little while longer before I knew what I believed or didn't believe. But I'm glad I came to that decision on my own.

There is a catch though, isn't there... My parents let me decide for myself too... By simply not caring. That's NOT really a way to go, I'd say, even though I turned out alright. It's about being there, but not being intrusive.
I really don't think my parents care though.  :P
My father is atheist, but my mother is agnostic theist I would say, though she doesn't know what that means.
The world's what you create.

Asmodean

Quote from: "Cecilie"I really don't think my parents care though.  :P
My father is atheist, but my mother is agnostic theist I would say, though she doesn't know what that means.

I'm talking about being there for your kids and understanding their world rather than caring which religion they choose.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I think it helps if you can support your kids with some healthy opinions based on understanding. And if you let them know that the choices they make will not impact you love for them.
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

Cecilie

Quote from: "Asmodean"
Quote from: "Cecilie"I really don't think my parents care though.  :P
My father is atheist, but my mother is agnostic theist I would say, though she doesn't know what that means.

I'm talking about being there for your kids and understanding their world rather than caring which religion they choose.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I think it helps if you can support your kids with some healthy opinions based on understanding. And if you let them know that the choices they make will not impact you love for them.
I just asked my mom if she would love me no matter what and her response was that as long as I don't kill my whole family. Then she may have had a hard time... That's my mom!
The world's what you create.

Asmodean

Quote from: "Cecilie"I just asked my mom if she would love me no matter what and her response was that as long as I don't kill my whole family. Then she may have had a hard time... That's my mom!

That's great! I'd be a bit careful though when applying a broad and somewhat uncaring tolerance to my kids so as not to make them feel uncared for or misunderstood. I think kids need - or at least want - to know that they are appreciated the way they are by those closest to them.
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

Cecilie

Quote from: "Asmodean"
Quote from: "Cecilie"I just asked my mom if she would love me no matter what and her response was that as long as I don't kill my whole family. Then she may have had a hard time... That's my mom!

That's great! I'd be a bit careful though when applying a broad and somewhat uncaring tolerance to my kids so as not to make them feel uncared for or misunderstood. I think kids need - or at least want - to know that they are appreciated the way they are by those closest to them.
Of course.
The world's what you create.