I'm a Young Mom, and my mom won't butt out!

[TheOGMamaBear]

Hi there! I'm 21, married stay at home mom and student. I'm the leader of a breastfeeding, parenting support group in my town and it takes up tons of my time!

I finally came to the conclusion I was an atheist when I became pregnant at the age of 18 with my daughter who is now almost 2. I admitted it to my brother first who has been a long time atheist since we were children. I told my husband, who was an agnostic, around the time my daughter was born. Slowly but surely I have mostly come out "of the atheist closet."

However, I'm struggling with my very Catholic parents. Especially my mother. I have been avoiding telling them because when I saw how terrible my mother felt when my brother admitted to being an atheist, I don't want to do that to her.

Well it looks like I already am. Last week she asked why Kyle (husband) and I were not going and were not taking Lilian (our daughter, I'm currently pregnant with number 2) to church, I said I didn't want to discuss it, and she pressed why again and again. I told her it made no difference. I was torn. I didn't want to hurt her. She was raised to believe that if you do not raise good Catholic Christian children you are a failure as a mother. Since this encounter she has not been returning my phone calls.

This morning my father came over and told me she's been crying for days that she thinks I am an atheist and how upset she is over it.

It's been really tough. I'm dropping by her house today after my daughters nap to give them a check that was mailed to me for them. I am really nervous and don't know how to deal with all this. Any tips from those who have gone through it would be lovely.

I was just starting to become comfortable with myself and who I am, and now I'm feeling really guilty!

Thanks

Sally

[Lea]

I would say go ahead and tell them that you are an atheist.  They already suspect.  Sometimes not knowing is worse than hearing really bad news.  Once you know the facts you can deal with it.  If you don't know, all kinds of scenarios come into the imagination and you don't know what to do or think.  This causes anxiety.  

Your parents are adults.  They have to deal with facts.  You are an adult.  You can believe or not believe what you choose.  Just make sure when you tell them, that you emphasize that you still love them, and hope to continue to have a good relationship with them even though you do not agree on religious matters.  (If thats what you want.  If not, tell them to f%&c off.)  

My parents are in their 80s.  I worried that the shock of me leaving our religion would kill them.  Yes, they were upset at first.  But now they are fine and we avoid the topic of religion whenever we visit.  Over all, my experience with my family has been good.  

Welcome!

[TheOGMamaBear]

I would say go ahead and tell them that you are an atheist.  They already suspect.  Sometimes not knowing is worse than hearing really bad news.  Once you know the facts you can deal with it.  If you don't know, all kinds of scenarios come into the imagination and you don't know what to do or think.  This causes anxiety.  

Your parents are adults.  They have to deal with facts.  You are an adult.  You can believe or not believe what you choose.  Just make sure when you tell them, that you emphasize that you still love them, and hope to continue to have a good relationship with them even though you do not agree on religious matters.  (If thats what you want.  If not, tell them to f%&c off.)  

My parents are in their 80s.  I worried that the shock of me leaving our religion would kill them.  Yes, they were upset at first.  But now they are fine and we avoid the topic of religion whenever we visit.  Over all, my experience with my family has been good.  

Welcome!

Thanks. I know you are right. That's exactly what people keep telling me. It would have been the perfect oppurtunity to tell my dad today.

I'm honestly and this is going to sound dumd, afraid I will cry when I tell them. I don't want to cry in front of my kid either, but I'm fucking hormonal right now. . It's just, I've seen this before, with my brother and I know how it hurts them. But you are right. I need to tell them.

My other fear is, once it's out, they can try to change me. Which makes me really freaked, I don't want every conversation from here on out to be about that.

[rlrose328]

You're an adult now and there's nothing to be afraid of.  I didn't face it and tell my mom (also Catholic) until I was 39.  Yes, she's upset and she says she does pray for me (along with her entire church... and yet I'm still an atheist... hmmm), but she eventually dealt with it in the intervening 5 years.  We're now closer than we've ever been.  Slowly, she is seeing that I'm STILL the same person.  Of course, she thinks it's because I'm "not really an atheist," but if that's what it takes for her to deal, so be it.

Just be the loving daughter you've always been, don't talk about atheistic issues in their presence, and eventually, she'll get over it.  You may have issues with the kids and the grandparents, but be firm and speak your mind.  You have that right.  My mom wanted to baptise my son last summer... LOL!  Hubby said ABSOLUTELY NOT!  I said go for it.  She's the music director of her church and for some reason, she thinks that gives her authority to baptise him in her pool  LOL!  Fine with me... they're just words and it's just water.

[TheOGMamaBear]

You're an adult now and there's nothing to be afraid of.  I didn't face it and tell my mom (also Catholic) until I was 39.  Yes, she's upset and she says she does pray for me (along with her entire church... and yet I'm still an atheist... hmmm), but she eventually dealt with it in the intervening 5 years.  We're now closer than we've ever been.  Slowly, she is seeing that I'm STILL the same person.  Of course, she thinks it's because I'm "not really an atheist," but if that's what it takes for her to deal, so be it.

Just be the loving daughter you've always been, don't talk about atheistic issues in their presence, and eventually, she'll get over it.  You may have issues with the kids and the grandparents, but be firm and speak your mind.  You have that right.  My mom wanted to baptise my son last summer... LOL!  Hubby said ABSOLUTELY NOT!  I said go for it.  She's the music director of her church and for some reason, she thinks that gives her authority to baptise him in her pool  LOL!  Fine with me... they're just words and it's just water.

We are torn on the baptism issue, I say no because maybe I feel like it's a power thing. Hubby says why not it's just water and I get that.

But still it's in a church and I don't want to go there! .

And about the same person thing....that's what I want her to get. I've been this way for awhile now, and I've been the same, so now that she KNOWS....it shouldn't make a difference!

[Lea]

Okay, it looks like you want to set boundaries.  

Decide what level of religious discussion or involvement you are comfortable with, and tell your parents.  For example you might say, "I'm an atheist and I will not change my views no matter what you say to me.  I don't want to discuss religion with you, nor do I want my children to participate in any of your religious rituals."  That being said, if your parents start to preach, or try to get you to baptize your children you might say, "Oh, look at the time!  I've got to shampoo my hair!"  Then you hang up the phone or leave.  If they are at your house, actually go into the bathroom and take a shower.  It will be relaxing and help you relieve tension.  If this happens a few times, they will get the idea.

[Chimera]

I agree with the others, it'd be best to just tell your parents now and get it out in the open. I think the stress of worrying about it and wondering is probably harder on your mom than not knowing, in some way. Just be honest and open about it, and let them know it doesn't change who you are. As for the baptism thing, I don't see why not...your daughter is young enough that she won't even remember it and it will probably make your mom feel better. Personally, I would probably say that I'd want to wait until my kid was old enough to understand and decide for him/herself, but I don't have kids and I'm not in your situation so you'll know better than I do what's best for you and your family.

Anyway, welcome to the forum and congrats on your new baby-on-the-way.

[LoneMateria]

Welcome to the forum. You should tell your parents.  Unfortunately the dogma attached to atheists will put a strain on some relationships.  I've heard cases where parents shun their children for being atheists and I hope your parents are more understanding.  You said your brother already came out to them, if the relationship hasn't changed because of it then you probably have nothing to worry about.  My personal opinion is if they don't want anything to do with you because an imaginary sky daddy then you are better off.  But like I said about your brothers relationship if it hasn't changed I wouldn't be worried.

[TheOGMamaBear]

Thanks everyone, I went over there today and she wasn't around...so next time we talk, maybe I will bring it up. I want to, I'm just nervous.

About baptism. My mom also has major power trip issues, it has been a long battle with us to get her to butt out of other aspects of our life, sometimes I feel like this is something I need to stand my ground on. Even though it's just sprinkling water.

Although they'd make us go to church and the priest likes to talk to all the parents about how they intend to raise their kids. Which is nuts.

We were married in the church for my parents and that was crazy.

[TheOGMamaBear]

Okay, it looks like you want to set boundaries.  

Decide what level of religious discussion or involvement you are comfortable with, and tell your parents.  For example you might say, "I'm an atheist and I will not change my views no matter what you say to me.  I don't want to discuss religion with you, nor do I want my children to participate in any of your religious rituals."  That being said, if your parents start to preach, or try to get you to baptize your children you might say, "Oh, look at the time!  I've got to shampoo my hair!"  Then you hang up the phone or leave.  If they are at your house, actually go into the bathroom and take a shower.  It will be relaxing and help you relieve tension.  If this happens a few times, they will get the idea.

This is an area we are still discussing. I haven't even come out to them fully...and I'm going to have to think of boundaries! It's stressful, but I like the shower idea, haha.

[Whitney]

Hi, welcome to the forum.  I had a friend who is a mom and she kinda outed herself via local tv for Camp Quest.  So she had to call her parents that day while getting ready for the interview to warn them.  She didn't exactly come out but also didn't lie (they are apparently really religious and she was trying to spare their feelings)...she probably should have come out all the way because the piece was titled "Atheist Summer Camp" we weren't expecting that title.  Short story even shorter, you might as well just come out with it now rather than they find out some other way or at a less appropriate time.

[TheOGMamaBear]

Thanks for all the responses! I'm still nervous, but I will let you all know how it goes...

[TheOGMamaBear]

My mom emailed me last night.



"Hi Sally,

Thanks for the chocolate today.  I have some left for tomorrow morning.

I've been wanting to talk to you though you don't want to.  I want to tell you that it really hurts my feelings that you can't talk to me about whatever it is about church that you don't want to talk about because we've shared our spirituality in the past and now that is gone.  I believe that you know that's an important part of my life and don't want to get me upset.

I'm sure that you know that I saw some of your posts on facebook that were atheistic comments.  So, I have assumed that that is were your head is.  I'm sorry for that but can accept it in time.  If that is where you are at, I'd like to know.  I guess because, to me, you'd be a different person than I have known you to be and I need to adjust my thoughts and actions to that.  I'll still love you.

You don't have to email me or call me right away about this.  Take your time and maybe we can talk this weekend sometime.  I facepaint from 3pm-4or 5pm at the Harvest fest this Saturday.  I'll do my homework after a workout in the morning.

Have a nice night.

Love, Mom  xoxox"


I need to get back to her still. I;m not quite sure what to say. But I know I need to tell her I'm not a different person! I hate that she thinks I am.